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The Top 7 Things to Know About Postnuptial Agreements

in Contemplating Divorce, home featured/by Ian Steinberg

While television, music, movies, and tabloids have brought prenuptial agreements into the spotlight, few people are familiar with postnuptial agreements. This refers to nuptial agreements made after a couple is married. The surprising fact is postnuptial agreements can offer significant benefits to the right couple. Look no further than this Forbes article discussing Jeff Bezos’ divorce from his now ex-wife, MacKenzie. Bezos’ divorce could have taken a much different turn had the parties signed a postnuptial agreement after Amazon become one of the most valuable companies in the world.

In an effort to demystify the postnuptial agreement and explain its value, the following is a discussion of the top 7 things to know about these types of agreements.

What is the Difference Between a Prenuptial Agreement and Postnuptial Agreement?

The more commonly known prenuptial agreement (“prenup”) is negotiated and signed by a couple prior to walking down the aisle and getting married. A postnuptial agreement (“postnup”) is signed by the couple after they have already been married. It can be signed days, weeks, months, or even years after the couple has said their vows.

What is the Purpose of a Postnuptial Agreement?

The main purpose is to let married couples set the terms for divorce or death ahead of time. A postnup can help a couple eliminate uncertainty and increase predictability in the event they divorce, or upon the death of a spouse.

This is because the parties have dictated the outcomes that will occur upon divorce or death and have put the proper mechanisms in place to ensure their plan is legally actualized.

What are Common Situations in Which a Postnup is Used?

One of the common challenges to a prenup occurs when the spouse who is receiving less under the agreement claims that it was signed under duress (think: one party presenting the other with a prenup on the night before the wedding). In order to avoid this situation, some couples will wait until after they are married to sign an agreement. The agreement they sign would therefore be a postnup and not a prenup.

Another instance in which a postnup is used is where marital issues arise that were unpredicted. If there has been infidelity, the spouse who got cheated on may want a postnup in order to stay in the marriage. This would provide that spouse with some financial protection or gain (and reassurance) in the event his or her spouse cheats again.

If you are thinking about divorce, you’ll want to be smart and healthy. Read our 36 Things to Do If You are Thinking About Divorce.

Additionally, postnups can be used when one spouse is starting a business and wants to establish how much of the business’ value (if anything) their spouse will receive upon divorce. Couples can also create postnups for estate planning purposes, or because they want to revise their prenup. If a prenup is being revised, there must be language that either states what the postnup controls or that the prenup is void altogether.

Certain Topics Can be Discussed in Postnups, While Others Cannot

For Example, Spousal Support Can Be Pre-Determined.

In a postnup, the parties can discuss the spousal support obligation of the “monied spouse” upon divorce. The couple can set out a specific amount of support in the event of a divorce, remain silent on the issue, or waive support completely. Many couples decide to determine spousal support in the postnup because leaving it in the hands of the law (or court) down the road can be unsettling. Others, however, prefer to have their financial situation at the time of divorce, as opposed to earlier, during the marriage, dictate their obligations.

It is important to know that spousal support clauses in a postnup can be vulnerable to challenge. This is because the parties’ income at the time of the divorce is unknown at the time the parties sign a postnup. If a spousal support clause in a postnup is very stingy and strays far from the statutory formula set out by the law, the spousal support clause runs the risk of being struck down as unconscionable (a term that will be discussed in detail below).

For example, if the postnup entitles the non-monied spouse to only $1,000 per month for spousal support, but the monied spouse makes $5 million per year, this spousal support clause may not be upheld.

Child-Related Issues Should Not Be Included

Divorce laws vary from state to state. In New York State, the courts decide child-related issues using the “best interests of the child(ren)” standard. If a postnup includes child-related language, the court would be deprived of its supreme jurisdiction in the area. As such, any child-related clauses in a postnup open the door for the agreement to be struck down.

However, one provision that is often included in postnups states that if one spouse owns the marital residence by himself or herself, the other spouse will not be required to vacate until there is a parenting plan in place (either by agreement or court order). This serves to encourage the parties to work quickly to come up with a plan as it relates to parental access with the children.

Estate Rights Are Often Addressed

In New York, without an agreement, a party cannot fully disinherit his or her spouse. Under the law, the non-deceased spouse would still be free to take what is called his or her “elective share,” which is defined as the larger of $50,000 or one-third (1/3) of the deceased spouse’s estate. In a postnup, the parties can give up their elective share rights, or determine that the elective share applies only to marital property. In exchange, a party who waives their elective share can ask that their future spouse take out a life insurance policy in his or her name.

Full Disclosure is Essential

When preparing a postnup, each spouse provides a complete list of his or her assets and liabilities.

While courts usually will not overturn a postnup because disclosure was not absolute, they can overturn an agreement if a party can prove that their spouse willfully concealed assets. It is often recommended that, if the value of an asset is uncertain, the parties overvalue that asset. Doing so would negate the argument that a party would have made a different deal if they knew the higher value of the asset in question.

In addition, financial disclosure allows each party to obtain insight into each other’s financial situation. This is especially important in a marriage in which one spouse is in charge of the finances, and the other spouse is in the dark.

Check out “How to Prepare for Divorce If You are a Stay-At-Home-Mom”

Specialized Clauses

There are numerous different “specialized clauses” that can be included in postnups.

A “ladder provision” can be inserted, which says that the non-monied spouse would receive additional spousal support or a lump sum payment at different anniversary milestones. For example, if the parties are married for 5 years, the monied spouse would make a $200k payment to his or her spouse upon divorce, and after 10 years that increases to $500k.

There also are “sunset provisions”, which state that the postnup will no longer be in effect if the parties are married for a certain period of time. For example, if the parties are married for 20 years, the postnup would then be void. These sunset provisions can also be used on individual clauses, such as the estate waivers no longer being effective if the parties are married for a certain number of years.

Oftentimes, parties ask about adultery provisions in which the cheating spouse would lose out on funds or spousal support in the event of a divorce. These are difficult provisions to include and maybe kicked back by the court because of the ambiguity of what “cheating” may mean.

Challenging Postnups

In general, New York courts often uphold postnups that are entered into by two consenting parties. If a party is challenging a postnup, he or she will have the burden to show why it should not be upheld. The standard of review, under the law, is whether the agreement is “fair and reasonable” at the time the parties entered into the agreement and must be “not unconscionable” at the time one party seeks to enforce them.

The arguments that a party can make as to why a postnup, or any provision of it, should not be upheld are (1) fraud, (2) duress, or (3) unconscionability. As discussed, if there is full financial disclosure, a fraud claim would most likely fail. Avoiding a duress argument is, as stated above, a reason why couples may sign a postnup instead of a prenup. The biggest threat to a postnup is unconscionability at the time of enforcement. However, unconscionability is a very high standard to attain, and so more often than not, the spouse claims it will not be successful. The circumstances would have to change so significantly over time that what was once an equitable agreement ends up becoming unconscionable by the end of the marriage.

The postnuptial agreement is a useful tool in many situations of a marriage. In order to take advantage of its benefits, it’s important to be well informed about how to structure it as they are not easy to enforce in every state. If you are thinking about divorce or wanting to change the terms of a divorce should one occur in your future, you may wish to consider a postnup. Speak to a matrimonial attorney (divorce attorney) about your story to understand your options and what would be the best move for you.

Notes

Ian Steinberg is a Matrimonial Attorney at Berkman Bottger Newman & Schein, LLP, where he focuses on the litigation, mediation, negotiation, and settlement of matrimonial and family law cases. In addition, he specializes in the drafting of prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. Prior to his current role, he practiced real estate law representing property owners in courts throughout New York City. This real estate background gives Ian important insights into the division of the marital home when couples are separating and divorcing. Connect with Ian to discuss your situation and needs.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

How to Know When It’s Time to Divorce

in Contemplating Divorce, home featured/by SAS for Women

If day in and day out you find yourself unhappy with your marriage, it’s natural to have doubts. To ask yourself, “When is enough enough?” or wonder “When is it time to divorce?”

Being unhappily married is extremely uncomfortable and even hazardous to your health. You might feel off balance because you’re not fully invested in your marriage, but you haven’t yet given up either. You’re living in a painful limbo.

At times, part of you is (almost) ready to call it quits. But then another part of you takes over, and that part of you has more questions than answers. Questions like . . .

Will I be able to make it on my own?

Will getting divorced screw up my kids?

Where will I live?

Do I even deserve to be happy?

Besides my marriage, my life is great—can’t I just deal with it?

Could this be as good as it gets?

Maybe we’re just going through a rough patch?

So, how do you know when it’s time to divorce?

The truth is that everyone who has chosen to get divorced has had to make that decision on her own. That’s because there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to deciding whether your marriage is worth saving.

Granted, there are some pretty black and white reasons to divorce:

Polygamy
Ongoing deception
Abuse (verbal, physical, or emotional) of you or your children
Substance abuse that remains untreated despite requests to do so

But most people find themselves in situations that are shades of gray, unsure whether divorce is right for them and their family.

And yet, so many couples do decide to divorce. According to a report published by AARP asking people to identify the three most important reasons they divorced, the most common motives were:

Verbal, physical, or emotional abuse
Different values and lifestyles
Infidelity
Falling out of love
Alcohol or drug abuse

What’s especially interesting about the results of this survey is that most people listed more than one reason for divorcing—in fact, they gave at least three reasons. The fact that divorce almost never comes down to one thing is part of what makes knowing when it’s time to divorce so difficult.

But if you are facing one or more of these common issues, that doesn’t necessarily mean that now is when it’s time to divorce. There are couples who face the same issues, work through them, and remain married—even happily married.

Then just how are you supposed to know if it’s time to divorce?

If you find yourself living in that gray zone, you owe it to your marriage (and to yourself) to exhaust all other avenues—to do your absolute best to resolve the issues in your marriage—before you decide whether it’s time to get a divorce. Only then will you be able to leave limbo, either by recommitting yourself to your marriage or by deciding that the best path forward is divorce.

What does it look like to exhaust all other avenues before deciding to divorce?

You’ll talk with professionals (a divorce coach, therapist, or couples counselor) who can help you gain the necessary clarity to decide whether to save your marriage. You’ll make your best effort to implement their suggestions not only for improving your marriage but for improving yourself.

Consider watching SAS for Women’s free webinar on this confusing subject . . . “Should I or Shouldn’t I . . . Divorce?”

You’ll read books and articles about how to make a marriage work and then implement the ideas that make sense to you. And for those that don’t make sense, you’ll research to understand if you are best served by discarding them.

You’ll talk with people who have made their marriages work for the long haul. You’ll respectfully and fearlessly ask the questions you need answered. There’s a good chance that you’ll learn something about how to improve your marriage and maybe even something to help you with your own personal growth.

You’ll talk with people who are divorced and understand the challenges they and their children have faced and overcome. Then, you’ll understand the reality of divorce. That reality may give you the determination to try harder to save your marriage. It may give you the knowledge that you’ll be OK regardless of whatever decision you ultimately make. (Tip: Make sure you speak to divorced people who are healed—people who have done the work to fully recover from their divorce. They’ll give you the best perspective and not transfer their wounds to you.)

What you’ll notice when you learn and start implementing the ideas you glean from exhausting all those other avenues besides divorce is that you’ll be presented with countless opportunities for self-examination. As you learn more and try different things, you’ll naturally see yourself and your marriage differently.

That still doesn’t mean that you’ll suddenly have a lightbulb moment, that the world will send you a sign telling you divorce is right for you and that now is the time.

The truth is that you’ll gain clarity but not 100% crystal clear clarity about the fate of your marriage by taking the time to understand all the options and possibilities for your life both in and out of your relationship.

However, deciding when it’s time to divorce is rarely about being 100% certain you’re making the “right” decision. Instead, it’s more about understanding your options—all your options—so that when and if a tipping point comes, you’ll not only recognize it but be prepared for it.

So, if you’re asking yourself “When is it time to divorce?” you owe it to yourself and your family to explore those options. Roll up your sleeves, exhaust every possibility of repairing the issues in your marriage, and gain the clarity you need to feel comfortable—if not confident—making the decision to divorce.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

To learn next steps or resources right for you as you seek clarity on if you should divorce or not, schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS today.

“A healthy divorce requires smart steps — taken one at a time.” – SAS

What to Do with Your Cheating Spouse

in Getting a Divorce, home featured/by Jennifer Bent

What do you do with your cheating spouse?

Well… nothing illegal, ladies. Roll your eyes, sure, but let’s start with that bottom-line simplicity, even if we think it’s an “oh-I’d-never” scenario because rage is a lovely antidote to the pain. The sadness, the betrayal. Like a good alcohol buzz, rage can become addictive and erode good judgment. And while (hopefully) most of us would not choose to, say, put those kickboxing lessons to good use, nor apply that “gesso and stucco” section of our Art 101 course to his new car or her front door, there are moments that follow the discovery of a cheating spouse when it’s helpful to have a little reminder to not make your rage-fueled fantasy a reality.

What else helps?

Laughter.

The ludicrous nature of the rage fantasy does help us laugh at ourselves and the situation, and laughter is an even better antidote to pain than rage. Where rage depletes us, laughter is sustainable; it increases immunity, beauty, endorphins, lung capacity, and hope.

Laughter leads us right into embodying the adage that “happiness is the best revenge.”

So have a great time with the fantasy; hell, write a book. At least read one that will make you laugh at the situation. Fiction can be a nice escape because it allows us to experience emotions while being removed from them. We can live vicariously through the characters, where people can do things they wouldn’t do in real life. One of my favorite authors (Jennifer Crusie—I love that woman) does a great scene in her book Bet Me where a pissed off stay-at-home mom punctuates every screeching syllable of …“thirty-seven goddamn years!” with a pointy-toed kick of her Manolo Blahniks as she accuses her husband of being a cheating spouse. Then there’s the scene from one of the Harry Potter books where one character encounters his spell-bound cat and goes hunting for the culprit, demanding at the top of his lungs, “I want to see some punishment!”

Can we relate? Make the cat in the story a metaphor for your pride: would we like to “see some punishment” for cheating, which smashes a promise to remain faithful and destroys our sense of self and our faith in our character judgment? (How could we have picked someone who would do this? I gave him everything! How did I believe this guy)? Yes, most of us can relate to that. And most of us won’t get it in a no-fault state, which most are.

Managing Your Emotional Reactions to Cheating

There are a lot of opinions weighing in on this subject, as cheating is one of the top three reasons for divorce. I personally know of only one exception to the rage reaction, and she had been wishing for a divorce for years before discovering her husband had cheated on her. For her, at that point, it was a giddy relief: she finally had an iron-clad reason to demand a divorce—a reason he couldn’t gaslight her out of. Most of us, however, experience rage as the primary emotional response to a cheating spouse.

Regardless, try to laugh and find your other joys in life as soon as you can, and refrain from the illegal. Avoid assault (including verbal and on social media). Avoid destruction of property. Indulge the fantasy for a bit, but leave that mental vacation on the island and re-enter reality as soon as possible.

“Ultimately, women need to know it’s good to fantasize about getting even; but the court and the law care not a whit that you’ve been cheated on,” says SAS for Women co-founder and divorce coach Liza Caldwell. “So seek your justice another way, or learn to accept he’ll get his in a bigger court.”

In recognizing that there is a higher, karma-centered court, we take a step back from allowing our spouse to blame us for the cheating, rather than owning their own choice. Whether the cheating spouse has done so once or many times with multiple partners may also make a difference in whether we choose to divorce or stay and make it work. On the other hand, we co-create our marriages, so another facet of healing from infidelity involves taking responsibility for our part.

Own Your Side of the Road

Did you make everything in the marriage about you? Did you tell him to stop singing while he washed the dishes because the noise stressed you out? Create a dictatorship out of the cute kitchen accessory that says “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? Do your own form of cheating by attaching to an addictive behavior like drinking too much, spending hours and too much money shopping online, working too much, getting too wrapped up in your children’s lives instead of making a life with your spouse? Owning our side of the road in a marriage can be galling when dealing with a cheating spouse, but it’s even more necessary at that point. If done well, often with professional help and your spouse’s ownership of their own side, divorce may not have to be the outcome.

That being said, it’s also essential not to take the blame for the infidelity. The cheating spouse has to own their choice to cheat, not redirect all responsibility onto you. Their decision to do that is their fault, not yours, and a spouse who refuses to see themselves or their choice to cheat as wrong or recognize its hurtfulness probably should be left.

There is a choice to stay or go. Depending on the scenario and each party’s willingness to own their part, it is possible to come back from infidelity with a stronger marriage and a greater understanding of each other and ourselves.

Stay or Go

Whatever you decide to do, though, decide fully. Choose happiness fully, and if you stay, choose to forgive completely. Either way, wash your hands of it entirely and let it go. To spend the next 30 years punishing your spouse with barbed comments and the occasional replay, playing the guilt card, living in suspicion—all of this is toxic. (All of us give in sometimes to bringing up something from the past that hurt us, but to invest energy in sustaining that hurt is another matter).

Annie’s Group :: for those thinking about or beginning the divorce process.

“There’s a comfort in strangers, that is simply not possible with friends and family who are not themselves divorcing.” ~ T.Y., New York City

Either choice—staying or going—requires work. If you divorce and go, go fully, with joy in who you are, especially now that you’re stronger, savvier, and have more self-knowledge.

Inside every regret and each mistake is the seed of positive change and new growth. We might practice saying to ourselves, “I was {this or that} in our relationship, and I regret it, but I see it and own it, ask forgiveness for it, forgive myself, and embrace the lesson, which is to become the regret’s opposite.” For example, if you regret not being fully present in the relationship, become fully present to yourself, without distraction. If you enter a new romantic relationship, you’ll know much better how to be present for that person as well as yourself, and be better equipped to do both.

Embracing the Hill

Staying or going, forgiving fully, laughter, choosing happiness, taking ownership of your side of the road, identifying where it’s not your fault, and sometimes developing the skill to deflect manipulative blaming and redirection—each choice requires work. One of the leaders at a local community mental health agency is a long-distance runner with rheumatoid arthritis; in that person’s office is a plaque with the motto “Embrace the Hill.” Whatever the choice, it will involve work and working through the pain. It passes, but you have to choose to let it pass. No dwelling, wallowing, brooding, stewing, or perseverating. Embrace the hill and know that most challenges that come after a cheating spouse will feel like rolling downhill; it will seem easy.

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer, former print journalist and feature writer living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves word craft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys compelling content and the liberty to write about interesting contributors and innovative ideas. Connect with Jennifer at verbosej@hotmail.com

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and rebuilding their lives afterward. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS. Tell us confidentially what’s going on, and we’ll give you black & white feedback, resources, and suggestions for your next steps.

*This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Does Being in a Loveless Marriage Mean You Should Divorce?

in Contemplating Divorce, home featured/by Jennifer Bent

Love is a foundational and primal need all humans have, but how each of us feels and expresses love most joyfully, from the gut, with no hesitation, is up to us to define. We’d like to think we enter marriages or other long-term love partnerships knowing that about ourselves. But more realistically, we might not discover that until we are already committed to one. And, as humans are organic, dynamic beings, we are therefore not only subject to change, but are also not growing unless we do.

If we know we are worthy of love, do we commit to ourselves enough to avoid settling for a partnership where love disappears? This question gives birth to the next, one that is the most difficult to answer, which often keeps people frozen inside loveless marriages all their lives.

Does being in a loveless marriage mean I should divorce? (Even in the midst of a pandemic)?

Well, as divorce is difficult, to say the very least, it’s worth trying to recover that love, but that requires that we first evaluate the marriage to see if it is showing signs of rupture that are beyond repair. The consensus is that some issues are more serious signs of a marriage that’s about to hit the rocks. For example, when the predominant number of exchanges between two spouses involve:

Criticism (not just occasional complaining but the more character assassinating, i.e. “you do,” “you don’t,” or “you never” statements of criticism).
Contempt.
Chronic defensiveness or “stonewalling.

Regarding these spousal interactions, generally defining what is meant by “predominant,” the Gottman Institute identifies a ratio of about five to one. If five to every one exchange is positive, loving, supportive, romantic, admiring, respectful, nurturing or symbiotically humorous (as opposed to caustically humorous, with one partner deriding the other), then the relationship is likely in good shape. Now flip that: If five to every one exchange is critical, fault-finding, passive aggressive, dismissive, impatient, indifferent, abusive, etc., then it is time to seriously consider getting professional help. Failing that help, it is time to consider that the marriage is on the brink of failure.

Qualitative Issues in Loveless Marriage

Further signs of total disrepair aren’t as much quantifiable as qualitative, and stem more from how we as individuals are creating or responding to the environment of our marriage rather than on a number of positive vs. negative exchanges with our spouse. Signs of serious qualitative issues in the marriage may include:

Prioritizing “Me time” or just avoiding time with your spouse instead of spending time together (i.e. We’d rather spend three hours in the basement with the dirty laundry than one hour with them in the living room, scrolling silently through the channels).
Fantasizing about escaping the marriage happens more often than seeking ways to make it better.
Experiencing prolonged absence
Creating a primary relationship with something other than our primary partner (i.e. with work or another focus, fixation, or addiction that has taken our spouse’s place as our primary relationship—after all, we can be completely absent mentally and emotionally and still be sitting right there in the room).
Lacking sexual expression of the love that works for both partners.
Experiencing abuse (physical or emotional).

All of the above are the most commonly cited signs of a failing marriage, where the deficit is too great to fill back in unless each partner agrees to pick up a shovel and start digging.

When “Working on Your Marriage” Fails

And if that hole proves to big, too unstable to fill back in? Do we stay in a marriage that is completely loveless? That is mired in emotional deficit? If it’s just the two of you in the relationship, then no. If you have done honest and consistent work on yourself, worked together to address it, talked to a marriage counselor, rabbi, pastor, or divorce coach about it and applied what you learn to fixing it… and it still isn’t reparable?

If the answer isn’t no, why?

At that point we stop dithering (many of us are blue ribbon ditherers), and act. Whether you are going to stay in the marriage or leave it, braving that conversation with our spouse and asking for what we need has to happen. We have to act; we have to have that conversation. Otherwise, we will stay in a loveless marriage out of fear—literally wasting our lives away, and there is nothing about that that is authentic or joyful. It is a half-life.

Considering Divorce When Children Are Involved

What about the love you have for your kids? Well, then you’ve brought a third love into your marriage, and it supersedes the love you have for yourself and your mate. You have entered a form of love that is more about service to a goal beyond the two of you, which, ideally, is about raising healthy human beings.

If you do not have love for each other any longer but are still committed to the loving of your children together, then ultimately that is not a loveless marriage. You have love for your children.

At that point, while you may still share the goal of parenting, you do not share a love for each other. The love exists—and if you respect each other enough to coparent, that is a form of love, which might be a comforting thought.

But it is not just our children who need love. Each of us does. Commitment to ourselves is foundational; it comes first. If we are meeting our own needs in that regard, then we’re not creating a deficit within the relationship. We are present in partnering ourselves and expressing some aspect of individuality in a way that is meaningful to us.

Annie’s Group :: for those thinking about or beginning the divorce process.

“There’s a comfort in strangers, that is simply not possible with friends and family who are not themselves divorcing.” ~ T.Y., New York City

If we love ourselves enough to partner ourselves, then we most likely know when our spouse is not partnering us the way we need. If we choose to remain married to this person despite that, because doing so serves the children best, then we need to consider that the form of the marriage needs to change in order for our needs to be met.

Marriage, Act II: Renegotiation

A renegotiation of terms is completely possible, and along with LAT relationships (Living Apart Together), it’s happening far more often than a traditional marriage. We call this a Parenting Marriage. Do we live apart but remain married? Do we agree to partner in raising the children but allow ourselves and each other the right to see other people and engage in life activity that doesn’t include our spouse?

Certainly.

“Marriage is changing in so many ways, and the rigid paradigm of Ozzie and Harriet is trailing in the rearview mirror at breakneck speed… Now, couples are starting to see that they can renegotiate the terms of their marriage—without shame,” writes Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW.

Gadoua stresses that both spouses have to accept that the marriage they originally set out to create—built on the romantic love they had for each other—has ended. Additionally, each spouse must commit equally to the love they share for their children and the idea that staying in partnership with each other is the best way to reach the goal of raising healthy kids. They discuss the renegotiation with the children together, and they agree on new terms.

This is the alchemy of changing an institution to fit you; it is a significant challenge, as we have no built-in template to work from, but people are learning that they can bend an institutional concept to fit them, rather than breaking themselves in half in order to fit an outdated set of laws and ideals.

Setting New Terms for the Marriage

Gadoua’s final point regarding the renegotiation of the marriage—a sort of emotional and social repurposing—is that both spouses draft and agree on the new terms.

New terms of the marriage might include an arrangement of one person sleeping in a new room in the house, planning set times with the kids, separating personal finances (i.e. those that don’t impact the family, such as mortgage and insurance payments). This may also include a negotiation of freedom: an agreement that they can spend their free time how they please and even have a relationship, as long as that person isn’t introduced to the kids without agreement ahead of time.

So, if we do actively choose to “stay in the marriage for the kids,” it does not necessarily then follow that the marriage is an emotional desert for us and yet an oasis of nourishment for our children. In fact, that’s impossible. Love can include variations on a theme and so can marriage. But if we’re staying and not going, we do have to get boldly creative about making an oasis somewhere inside that marriage for ourselves.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

What Should I Do to Leave My Husband?

in Contemplating Divorce/by SAS for Women

“If I know I can’t stay in this marriage, what should I do to leave my husband?”

Leaving a marriage is complicated, scary, painful. And that’s when both of you are in agreement. Leaving your husband when you’re the only one wanting to end the relationship is even more difficult.

Your reasons for wanting, even needing, to leave will determine your course of action. Obviously there’s a difference between leaving because of abuse and safety issues and leaving because of general dissatisfaction with your marriage.

Safety first for you, your children, and your pets. Always. If your question, What should I do to leave my husband?, regards an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. And, if you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Your local women’s shelter is a rich resource of information and assistance for women and children living in abusive situations. They can guide you through a plan of action to get you safely out of the home and into protection. And they can walk you through important steps like:

Filing a restraining order
Safely filing for divorce, despite threats from your husband
Preparing and protecting your children
Filing for and securing custody of your children
Planning an exit strategy
Getting an escort to help you retrieve your belongings
Making sure you have money
Securing legal representation for divorce and/or abuse charges
Looking for work and a safe place to live
Getting counseling for you and your children

If there are guns in the house, try to remove them. If you cannot safely do so, at least remove the ammunition and anything you can that could be used to cause harm.

Whether you are leaving for safety, sanity, or both, it is imperative that you have a plan. Think through what you are doing and why. Cross your t’s and dot your i’s because “leaving” isn’t as simple as walking out the door and not looking back.

You have a footprint — legal, financial, and custodial. You are, in essence, “building your case” for leaving — and possibly for custody — so details matter. You can’t, for example, just pack up the kids and take them with you, let alone across state lines.

Courts are sworn to the law, no matter how much a story tugs at their heartstrings. So be smart, wise, and prepared. And build your village of knowledgeable, credentialed support early.

One of the best gifts you can give yourself is the accompanying guidance of a therapist and a support group. This is especially true if you are overthinking when to leave your husband but know in your heart you need to leave.

For a lot of women, “What should I do to leave my husband?” is primarily a question of financial preparation and sustenance. They know they will need financial help in order to just survive, but they don’t know where to get it. And they will often stay in an unhappy and/or unhealthy situation just to have some semblance of financial security.

As a Stay-at-Home-Mom, you may have forfeited a career to raise children, so your skill sets are outdated and your earning potential is low.

Your husband — thanks in large part to you holding down the homefront — may have enjoyed a rising career. He may never want for income, thanks to his income. He may control the money, both the day-to-day flow and the retirement savings.

That puts you in a very vulnerable position when thinking about how to leave your husband. Suddenly you have to summon your own empowerment, but he seems to have all the power.

According to a study conducted by CDFA Laurie Itkin and Worthy, despite the fact that 55% of married women managed the bill-paying, over 20% left investment decisions to the husband. And almost half, while going through divorce, admitted to unexpected “surprises” that set them back.

So how can you leave and still know that you will be OK after the divorce is over? Here are 7 important steps to help you prepare to leave your husband:

1. Financial preparation.

Become educated about bill paying, investing and stay involved in the family finances. Single and divorced women have to manage all aspects of their finances, so married women should be just as involved.

Knowing your net worth, both as a couple and as individuals, is essential when it comes time to divide assets. Make a list of all assets — “yours, mine, ours.” Too often women leave financial assets in their husbands’ court, only to suffer later when their settlement is depleted.

If things are already too late in the game for that, seek out legal and financial representation early. And don’t underestimate your worth, needs, or contributions made, without pay, so your husband could build his career.

2. The date.

Have a date in mind and make sure you have affordable housing lined up. Can you stay with a friend or family member for a while? Do you have enough income or savings to rent for the first year while you adjust?

3. Get Support and feedback for guidance and direction.

Connect with those who understand the journey — strategically and healthily. Find a therapist who has experience supporting women through this crisis, or join Annie’s Group — our virtual group coaching program for women, or on your own, take advantage of our Master Class: How to Know If Divorce is Right for You and What You Must Know to Do It and receive a private coaching session and a consult with a financial person, dedicated to your specific story and needs. If you are planning on moving out, and especially if you have children, check with a lawyer that your move won’t adversely impact your claim to things or how you are viewed by the law.

4. PINS, passwords, and important documents.

Be sure to change all PINS and passwords to your accounts and have all your important documents (including copies of mutual documents) in one place.

5. The kids.

Most importantly, have a plan for your children. Assuming you are not in a crisis situation, you and your husband should have conversations about disclosure and co-parenting.

This is a good time to seek the guidance of a family therapist to help both of you through this painful time.

A therapist who specializes in children of divorce can help prepare you to provide your children with an emotionally safe transition. And your child’s school counselor can be one of the best resources and advocates for your child during this time.

6. The pets.

Make a plan for your pets, as well, especially if you are in a stressful situation and have reason to worry about their safety. They feel and respond to negative energy, and the upheaval of their routine can be very upsetting.

Perhaps a friend can keep your pet in a safe, calm environment until you are settled. But this arrangement should be well thought-out, too, as pets are often pawns for retribution. And you don’t want to put a friend in harm’s way if there is any concern about your husband’s actions.

If you are looking for more, read our popular “36 Things to Do If You are Thinking about Divorce“

7. Documentation.

Finally, document everything, even when it seems trivial or unnecessary. Document dates, times, locations, texts, calls, resources, conversations, arguments, financial actions, threats, everything.

You will always be grateful you have the information in writing and not loosely sworn to memory. And a court will take you far more seriously if you have your case well laid out and documented.

“Putting asunder” what was once a forecast of eternal bliss is traumatic, even when necessary. Even having to ask, “What should I do to leave my husband?” is a sad statement about the status of your life. No matter what decisions you make, change is coming with them. And fear, grief, loss, and worry will be in its wake.

You may not be able to walk out the front door with a confident smile and no worries. But having a plan and being prepared can at least help you leave with the assurance that you are going to be OK.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

Will Marriage Become Obsolete?

in Contemplating Divorce, home featured/by Jennifer Bent

With the steady downturn in the number of new marriages and the 40 to 50 percent chance that existing ones will end in divorce, it would be comforting to think that marriage has become obsolete, or that, at the very least, successfully navigating the end of a legally-binding partnership would somehow be written into our DNA, like a migration pattern or an aversion to cilantro. With the coronavirus (COVID-19) impacting our sense of normalcy—putting both marriages and divorces alike on pause, in some cases—many of us find ourselves thinking about the role marriage and companionship play in our lives.

Divorce hasn’t yet been written in our DNA, of course. But if genetics change with our choices over time—and they do—it appears we are getting closer to a DNA-level instinct for divorce or marriage-avoidance. This is an exaggeration, yes, but we’re certainly getting closer to a pervasive social norm that does not include marriage as an assumed preference.

A generational shift

As of 2015, only about half of the adults in the United States claim to live with a spouse. Those adults include five of the six generations currently alive in America today—from the G.I. or Great Generation all the way down to Generation Z—and these generations’ collective attitudes about marriage have shifted dramatically over time. My 102-year-old grandmother’s generation, “The Greats” (born 1901 to 1926), hung in there until the bitter end. If you made a vow, you kept it, despite abuse, dislike, infidelity, and whatever other problem that may have snaked its way into your marriage. For the most part, so did the “Silent Generation,” people born between 1927 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers, though, who account for 77 million people in the US, began to shake things up. This generation (born 1946 to 1965) embraced the civil rights movement, feminism, women joining the work force as a rule rather than as an exception, and television.

The Baby Boomers brought us divorce because a person wasn’t happy—albeit still struggled with its taboo of humiliation that somehow we are not measuring up if we can’t make our marriage work, but still, divorce nonetheless. My generation, Gen Xers, born 1965 through 1980, was the first generation for whom having divorced parents was a common thing.

The result of this shift

Perhaps as a response, my peers have a lower divorce rate than Boomers (the numbers of Baby Boomers ending their marriages doubled in the last 20 years and is on its way to tripling). Gen Xers also waited a lot longer to take vows. When you grow up as a witness to all the ways in which marriage both supports and fails people, it seems only natural that your first inclination would be to approach things differently.

Millennials, for instance, are showing a trend of partnering and having children but avoiding the altar altogether. Only 26 percent of Millennials are actually getting married, down from Gen X’s 36 percent, the Boomers’ 48 percent, and the Silent Generation’s 65 percent.

Will marriage become obsolete?

That’s quite a drop. The youngest of Generation Z, born after 2001, have yet to make their choices about long-term life partnering, but as a population, this generation is larger than the Boomers, so its impact on social norms and potentially our genetic code for mating will be worth measuring.

We are now finding that even in the midst of a global pandemic, people are leaving marriages that no longer serve them. Living together under a quarantine order is, some people are finding, bringing problems in a marriage that once seemed small and easy to ignore to the surface. Divorce rates in China spiked as soon as restrictions lifted.

Even so, marriage has not become obsolete quite yet. But one day marriage may become the exception rather than the rule. One day that rising inclination to say “let’s revisit this conversation every two or three years and see where we are with this thing” (or some version of it) may be the new social norm—but until a union that used to be “forever” is honored as fluid, a dance of choice between two organic, dynamic beings, all we can do is support those who have found that their partnership no longer serves them.

No one wants to go through a divorce, but sometimes it’s the only real option you have. Perhaps by the time Generation Zs are having their second children, what was once considered the only choice—marriage, til death do us part—will have undergone such scrutiny that the idea of it is, as they say, as repellant as cilantro to a certain genetic selection of taste buds.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

6 Crazy Facts That Increase Your Risk of Divorce

in Contemplating Divorce, home featured/by Melanie Figueroa

We romanticize our relationships, ignoring all the divorce facts and advice out there in favor of writing our own story. That story is the one you pull out when a friend, family member, or coworker asks you that dreaded question: what happened?

It’s a question that’s almost impossible to answer because relationships are not linear, they are like constellations or whole galaxies, full of black holes that will pull you in and tear you apart if you let them, the gravity of every moment creating patterns and paths that the two of you unconsciously follow. We spend a lot of time thinking about divorce, attempting to unravel it all, before we pull the trigger.

But if you’re anything like me—a chronic planner, a person who arms herself with research and divorce facts in an attempt to make sense of her world—then it might help to know that even in the unique intricacies of a marriage there are common reasons for divorce.

Let’s stop the romanticizing. There is comfort in knowing that, sometimes, we are more alike than we are different. Below are 6 interesting facts that have been known to increase your chance of divorce.

Spending a lot on an engagement ring and wedding

A diamond is forever, and a fairy tale wedding ensures a happy ending—this is what we tell ourselves, and what the world reflects back at us. But high spending on weddings and engagement rings has been tied to shorter marriages. Women, for instance, are 3.5 times more likely to divorce someone when they spend over $20,000 on a wedding versus $5,000 to $10,000. Financial stress is one of the more common reasons for divorce, regardless of how large or extravagant your wedding is, so maybe this divorce fact isn’t too surprising.

It’s okay to be flashy, but sometimes we have to question our motives. Do we want a marriage, or do we want a wedding? There’s nothing wrong with wanting your wedding to be special, but it probably shouldn’t, arguably, be the best or happiest day of your life. You have a long road ahead of you, both in life and in marriage.

The same research that ties wedding and engagement expenses to a likelihood of divorce also ties higher wedding attendance and a honeymoon to longer marriages. It’s a point worth lingering on. These divorce facts are telling us to pay attention—to focus on people and connection instead of an entire industry that exists to commodify love and marriage even at our own detriment.

Getting married or moving in together at a young age

You either grow together or you grow apart. So maybe it’s not too surprising that the younger two people are when they get married to or move in with their spouse, the more likely they are to get divorced. Most of us begin our early adulthoods full of lofty goals and dreams—we’re shaped, in part, by our achievements and failures, by the setbacks we experience and the ways in which we embrace change.

You might have a partner who enjoys watching you grow throughout all of this, or you might have a partner who resents that growth. But you’re becoming a new, better version of yourself, ideally, and if you find yourself in the latter situation, it’s likely a sign that your time with that partner has reached its end. You’re different people now than you were when your relationship began, and that’s okay. It’s natural and normal. It’s healthy.

Working with people of the opposite sex

The fact of the matter is that it’s hard to meet new people as an adult, and since we spend most of our time at our workplace, it’s one of the few places we might regularly interact with people outside of our marriage. If you work with people of the opposite sex, then you might have a higher risk of divorce than those who don’t.

Sometimes close proximity breeds intimacy. You have shared experiences. You go from those coworkers who always sit next to each other at meetings to eating lunch together to grabbing a drink after your shift, and then suddenly this person has become a regular fixture of your life, someone you look forward to seeing. A boundary may have been crossed, even inadvertently, and if you don’t set new ones, you might find yourself feeling distant from your partner as you grow closer to someone else.

Being close to other people who are recently divorced

Fear keeps us from doing many things in life, including leaving our marriages behind. If you have people in your life who’ve recently gone through or are currently going through a divorce, you might find yourself looking inward at your own relationship. They did it, we might think to ourselves, so why can’t I?

We live vicariously through the divorces of others. But it becomes a problem when we refuse to live out our own experiences in spite of this, stubbornly assuming we have all the answers or that we can learn from someone else’s mistakes. The facts of someone else’s marriage will not change the facts of ours. On the other hand, the divorce of a friend, family member, or coworker can make us feel brave and give ourselves permission to take a leap we may have been considering for far too long.

Wondering how long it takes to get over a divorce? Read on to learn more about the signs that mean you’re on your way.

Living near a lot of conservative or evangelical Protestants

It might surprise you that married couples living in a highly conservative or religious area are more likely to get divorced—after all, both Christians and conservatives are known for upholding institutions like marriage. But this divorce fact holds true whether or not the couple themselves is religious or not.

The beliefs and behaviors of those living around them become cultural and systematic, like roots digging themselves into the land. Abstinence-only sexual education is likely to be taught in schools, early marriage is heavily promoted, and there’s a strong push for starting a family sooner rather than later. These regions tend not to value higher education, too, and so income levels become stagnant and job training is limited. None of these values is inherently wrong, but the result is a lot of pressure and stress on what is likely a young marriage.

Marrying someone with a big age difference

Our values and goals often depend on where we’re at in life, in age and maturity and experience. Being close in age means we have shared the universal experiences specific to certain generations (music, movies, societal expectations, and historical events, etc.). You share a common language, and there’s a comfort in that.

When you marry someone much older or younger than you, there can be the feeling of always being two steps behind or never quite being on the same page. One of you is travel weary while the other is itching for an adventure. One of you has already had kids and a family while the other may still be hoping to start one. One of you is looking to begin a new venture (go back to school, change careers, start a business, etc.) while the other is looking to settle down. Even if you truly connect with your partner one-on-one, you may feel like a fish out of water when surrounded by their friends and family members.

Divorce facts aside, none of us wants to be reduced to numbers and statistics. The best part of writing your own story is that you are in control of it—you get to decide how it ends, and what’s best for you and your family. Don’t isolate yourself during this difficult time. Put yourself out there and get the support you need. Find a therapist or work with a divorce coach so you can separate fact from fiction and clearly see the options laid out before you.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. Schedule your free consultation with SAS. Tell us confidentially what’s going on and we’ll give you black & white feedback, resources and suggestions for your next healthiest steps (regardless of your working further with us or not). Everyone deserves to know what is possible for HER.

This article was authored for the all-women website SAS for Women by Melanie Figueroa, a writer and content editor who loves discussing women’s issues and creativity.

A woman walking through nature thinking about the signs of divorce

The Signs of Divorce and How to Spot Them

in Contemplating Divorce, home featured/by Melanie Figueroa

Divorce can sometimes feel like it comes out of the blue—one day you are “happily married,” and the next, your spouse is asking you to sign on the dotted line. The world you’ve built together seems like it’s falling apart. Other times, there are clear signs of divorce, ones that you may have noticed and ones that you may be ignoring.

One of the biggest signs of divorce might just be that you’re here, reading this post. Deciding whether or not to divorce your husband* may be something that’s been weighing on your mind for quite some time. We get it. Before divorce, it feels like a giant leap to take, and it’s only after that you realize what you were always capable of—that you’re stronger than you realize.

Right now you might be in need of a friend who can make sense of all the competing emotions and choices at war inside you. We’re happy to be that person for you. The following six signs of divorce are good indicators that your marriage and your relationship with your husband are not in the healthiest place. If these feel familiar, it might be time to take a step back and reevaluate your marriage and to learn what else is possible.

1. The fighting has stopped

Yes, on the surface, the end of arguing might seem like a good thing—no fighting means you and your husband are on the same page, right? Not exactly. Whether you’re fighting over big things like how to manage finances or small things like which brand of toothpaste to buy, if the arguments have stopped without actually being resolved, it can be a sign that one of you has simply given up.

Having disagreements, expressing opposing or conflicting opinions, and then working them out means that you and your husband are invested in creating a lasting future together. Once your investment in your marriage stops, the possibility of divorce becomes more and more likely.

2. You’re arguing way more than usual

Yes, there is such a thing as fighting too little and fighting too much. Conflicts happen, but as adults, we must learn how to work through disagreements in a healthy way. If small arguments have suddenly become huge battles within your household, arguments that end with no resolution and tension that lingers in the air like a bad taste in your mouth, something has fundamentally changed between you and your husband—and not in a good way.

Once a relationship becomes so antagonistic that arguments simply never end, divorce is one way to find peace once again and escape from an unhealthy or potentially abusive situation.

3. Your finances are in a bad place

Marriage is hard, and money problems make marriage even more difficult. If one or both of you are having issues at work and your income isn’t what it used to be, that extra pressure can compound the problems in your marriage. You and your husband might not be on the brink of bankruptcy, but maybe you two have fundamentally different ideas on how a person budgets and spends money. You, for instance, might want savings safely tucked away in case of an emergency while he might prefer to spend any extra money he has on the latest gadget.

For whatever reason, you two are in a bad place financially, and you aren’t seeing eye to eye. We might not like it, but money is key to our survival and one of the biggest sources of stress in a marriage. This is one of those situations that isn’t likely to change without some serious communication and work on both of your parts, and if both of you aren’t willing to budge? It might be time to talk about divorce.

4. You don’t feel connected to your husband anymore

Fridays used to be date nights, but now things have changed. You can’t really remember the last time you two had a good talk, or the last time you’ve gone out and truly enjoyed each other’s company. At the dinner table, it sometimes feels like you’re sitting across from a roommate or, worse, a stranger who just happens to share the same space.

If it’s been a while since you and your husband have invested time in each other, then you’re not maintaining an emotionally intimate connection, and you can lose that spark you once had. This is called emotional disengagement, where one or both parties in a marriage have stopped investing in maintaining emotional intimacy. Once you and your husband no longer feel like a couple, divorce starts to make more and more sense. It feels like an inevitability and the only way to find someone else you do have an emotional connection with.

5. There’s a lack of physical intimacy in your marriage

Yes, sex matters. Especially in marriage. Emotional intimacy is important, and one reflection of strong emotional intimacy within a marriage manifests itself as a strong physical connection between two partners. If you can’t remember the last time you and your husband were intimate, and there’s a clear change in how often you sleep together, you might have something to worry about.

Sometimes the source of the change is obvious—it’s medical, for instance, or there are young children at home, problems at work, or another source of stress. But combined with other factors in your relationship, a lack of physical intimacy becomes a worrisome sign that divorce may be on the horizon.

6. Your or your husband’s focus is outside the relationship

You two are no longer working on building something together, but instead, you find yourself more invested in things outside of your marriage, such as a club, the gym, or a large project at work. Maybe your husband has been spending a lot of late nights at the office, or he spends most weekends working on his golf swing with friends. You find yourself spending more and more time alone. Marriage can get boring, just like anything, and sometimes instead of looking inward and finding interests to share, grow, or explore with a partner, we turn to people in our lives who we’re already engaged with (or who we’d like to be).

When you and your husband have stopped making time for each other, it’s a sign that something’s wrong in your marriage that neither of you are willing to look at head on and address. Without working together to form a solid marriage, you two are actively growing emotionally apart and that can lead you down the road to divorce.

If you recognize one or more of these signs of divorce in your own marriage, it might be time to think about the future—your future, specifically. Do you see your husband in that future? Do these challenges in your marriage feel like things the two of you can overcome together?

If you want to salvage your marriage and you think that it’s not too late, talking to your husband about going to counseling is one option. And if so, we recommend this kind of marital support. You can also reach out to a divorce coach to fully understand all of the options in front of you, no matter which path you take (even if you decide not to get a divorce).

The truth is that even if you want to salvage your marriage, once you start seeing the signs of divorce, things might already be too far along for you and your husband to work together to solve the problems in your marriage. Knowing your options is the best way to protect yourself, your children, and your husband in case divorce is inevitable. Together, you can work on what you must navigate near term, and what your post-divorce future will look like so you can start down the path to your divorce recovery. It might be even better than you expect.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to support them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. SAS offers women 6 FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future.

“When a woman comes through divorce with the proper guidance and her questions answered, her life stands before her like something she could never imagine while she was is in the dark.” ~ SAS for Women

This article was authored for the all-women website SAS for Women by Melanie Figueroa, a writer and content editor who loves discussing women’s issues and creativity.

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Overthinking When to Leave Your Husband

in Contemplating Divorce, popular/by SAS for Women

You have a bad fight or a bad day with your husband—or more likely, you’ve had a series of them. So many thoughts race through your mind, but there’s one that stands out the most: I want a divorce. Sometimes this thought surprises us so much that we can’t be sure we really had it at all. We push the thought to the back of our mind and bury it deep. We smile and pretend, and everything goes “back to normal.” But because our normal means being unhappy, the cracks appear again. We have another bad day. And when it rains, it pours. All those emotions and moments we buried rise to the surface in the storm.

You are lost and stumbling through the fog that is Considering Divorce Syndrome (CDS). All you seem to have are questions and no answers. I want a divorce, or do I? I want a divorce, but should I? How do I even begin to leave my husband*?

When you find yourself searching for instructions on how to leave your husband, it’s the beginning of a long and confusing journey. We know that you are in pain and emotional turmoil right now—that is why you’ve found your way here. Our job is to help you break the cycle of wondering that’s associated with CDS with points you should be thinking about and considering.

As you’re considering divorce, keep your marriage in context

So, you’re thinking to yourself, “I want to divorce my husband.” Did this thought just come out of nowhere? Or has the idea been a living and breathing” thing” lurking in the back of your mind for some time now?

Did you and your husband have a blowup? Are you still seething? Do you feel depressed? Are you reacting from a highly-charged or frustrated place, typing “Should I leave my husband?” into the search engine?

“Early on in my marriage,” Sally told us she and her husband went to a couples’ therapist. “At the first meeting, the doctor said, ‘Why did you react that way?’ when my husband described a story about me. Without waiting for my response, the doctor asked me more, ‘Were you menstruating?'”

We’ve all experienced a moment like this, haven’t we? We’ve been told that our “issues” or “moods” are related to our highly emotional states, which must be a function of our biology. And because we are women, when we are feeling things outside a man’s comfort zone, we are “crazy” or “PMSing” or both.

For the sake of this post and our sanity, let’s set that experience aside, and ask, How long have you wanted to leave your husband? Or if you don’t really want to leave your husband, why is it that you think you should?

If divorce has been something more than a random thought but a persistent idea that’s been circulating in your head for a long time now, you’ll need to ask yourself even more questions.

How committed are you to divorce, on a scale of 1 to 10?

If you’re a 10, you are fully committed to divorce—you’re OUT the door! If you’re a 1, you’re happily, even blissfully married.

But it’s not just about how you feel right now, at this moment. Today could be a 10 and the rest of the month a 1. You need to check in with yourself over the course of the month and keep a private record (somewhere safe, somewhere secret) to see the ebb and flow of your happiness over the month. If the numbers are 5 or above most days, it’s time to seriously start looking at ways to change your relationship. A divorce coach is a great, safe person to talk to if you’ve started seriously thinking about what else is possible for you.

Wait, there are still other reasons to stay married, right? I don’t need to talk to a divorce coach yet

So, you look at your commitment chart and see mostly 5s, a couple 3s, and even some 10s plastered on the page—but then you think of the kids. Divorce will be hard on them! There’s always a chance your husband can change, right? And who knows, you might even change too. Things can get better. There’s always hope, even the hope of finding hope when confronted with the reality that hope may have fled your marriage long ago.

There’s this voice inside your head that’s saying “If I talk to someone, I might have to act on what I’m feeling. I might have to do something about this truth,” or “No, I can’t talk to anyone yet. There’s still hope I can turn things around.”

“I want to leave my husband” suddenly becomes “we’re just having a rough patch.” Only the rough patch never ends.

The truth is, many women find themselves circling a 5 on that scale. They are halfway out the door, while the other half isn’t sure exactly what they want, except change.

Listen: living in this stage is purgatory

Revisiting the question of “should I…or shouldn’t I divorce” keeps you unsettled and compartmentalizing ( — on one level functioning, on another level wondering if your world is falling apart). This is one of the insidious and oddly, paralyzing effects of CDS.

Maybe you think you are fun and easy to live with? On some level, you are being cruel to your husband, your kids, and yourself by continuing to live in such a hovering and non-committed place.

You may think you are fooling everyone, but it’s more likely you’re only fooling yourself.

Luckily, we know this syndrome of divorce ambivalence acutely. We were like you, sitting on that pointed, painful fence called “considering divorce” for far too long.

So, allow us to deliver the sometimes brutal truth that will save you time: nothing is going to change unless you do something.

Did you go to marriage counseling and find it didn’t stick, with you and your partner ending up in the same old dysfunctional routine? Do you complain to your friends regularly about your husband’s behaviors but never do anything to try to change things? Do you withdraw from your marriage or the world or act out in various ways but still find yourself at home or in bed next to the same man night after night?

It’s time to break this pattern.

How is your health?

CDS, the constant cycle of considering divorce and not following through, can take a toll on your health. This repetitive and constant stress is going to wear on you, no matter how strong you are.

You are not living your life authentically. Your body might be showing you the signs through symptoms that range from feeling tired all the time no matter how much you sleep, a loss of appetite, a sense of being removed from things you once enjoyed, disconnected to your friends and family, constant flu or cold-like symptoms when doctors say there’s nothing wrong with you, and so on. These are all signs of depression which can be linked to stress.

You and I might look around and see marriages with similar or even more dysfunction and stress than yours—some of your best friends might be living with CDS and seem to function fine between complaints about their spouses—but you are not them, and they are not you. And every marriage, even in its dysfunction, is different.

If you are feeling burnt out, done, and you have decided you can no longer live in the purgatory of waiting for change or trying but not fixing the dysfunction in your marriage, you need to own where your marriage is right now. You need to face the possibility of a future as a divorced woman, and you need someone to talk it out with. Right now.

If you are in an abusive marriage, read this article right now.

If you are in a relationship where the pressure is “manageable,” you can prioritize the time to figure out if you should or should not divorce and what would be the healthiest way of doing it. If that’s you, then you are the woman we are talking to right now. Our critical suggestion is that you get educated on what your choices are. Get ready. Because the truth is if you’re constantly considering divorce, there’s a reason and you owe it to yourself to stop thinking about it and take action. The right action is talking with someone who can help you figure out what your independence might look like.

Whether you are considering a divorce, navigating it, or already rebuilding after the overwhelming experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. Take advantage of our free consultation we give every brave woman. Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation for support. Whether you work with us further or not, we guarantee you will learn a new resource, a piece of information, or an insight that will give you a next step or help shift your way of thinking what is genuinely possible for your life.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”