What are the Different Stages of Divorce?

Whatever life-changing experience you’re going through, the loss of a job, or a loved one, a personal health crisis, or a divorce, the challenge usually involves particular stages. These specific stages are often explored in books, articles, movies, and, of course, personal counseling sessions all over the world. When you realize this, that there are stages and others have gone through them, too, it helps depersonalize your crisis a little.  You are reminded again that you are human, and that your ebbing and flowing of emotions through the crisis, including anything from grief and depression to loneliness and elation, are altogether normal, too.

Here, I’m going to discuss what the different stages of divorce are, with the hope that you’ll see yourself reflected in the talk. Perhaps this will give you an idea of what you’re about to embark on, or a road map, so to speak, if you are contemplating taking the plunge. Hopefully, it will help you navigate this road with a clearer mindset, look forward to new beginnings, but also be compassionate with yourself if you don’t always feel like getting out of bed.

Researching the Stages of Divorce

Divorce is a rich topic, an unfolding process studied and investigated in books, movies, research statistics, and counseling manuals. Of course it is – it’s a difficult life event, fraught with pain, disillusion, and insecurity. Aside from experiencing it firsthand, I’ve read a lot about it, watched how novelists and playwrights tackle it in dramas and comedies, and scoured statistics online.

Having survived it and navigated the stages, I have some good news for you. Now you don’t have to do this yourself if you’re thinking about divorce. The even better news? If you are dealing with a toxic marriage, or wonder how could you divorce a nice guy? Or, you’ve been hit with an unwanted divorce, or farther out, wonder will the pain of divorce ever go away? It’s always a good idea to listen to the experts who have studied this life event and counseled people on coping with the crisis – and beyond.  Yes, you really want to know what it takes to move through these divorce stages, and particularly, what steps to take in your divorce recovery phase, so you heal.

I found three experts who particularly fascinated me because of their knowledge, their experience, and the way they help people tackle the experience. I share these with you below to give you an idea of what to expect as you consider or move through your divorce journey, both the pitfalls and the human touches that most of us go through on the way to overcoming the pain and emerging as a strong, independent woman.

The 6 Stages of Divorce

Robert Taibbi, LCSW, has 50 years of counseling experience, has written 13 books and 300+ articles, and trains professionals globally. In a 2023 article in Psychology Today, he discussed the following six emotional stages of divorce:

Stage 1: The Shock:

This comes, he says, when one partner leaves or after a formal separation. He talks about the “sense of relief” that people who initiate divorce feel when they finally decide to divorce. He also discusses the shock the other partner usually has when confronted with this decision.  (If you’ve been hit with an unwanted divorce, you may wish to read SAS’s article on what to do if your husband leaves you.)

Stage 2: 21 Days Later

Just a few weeks on, the person who initiates the divorce is looking forward to “new possibilities”. The partner left behind has “difficulty focusing, no energy, feels angry or depressed, and doesn’t quite know what to say to family or friends.”

Stage 3: Three Months Later

The partner left behind could still feel depressed and lonely, but is “functioning better and even has good days where they feel like they’re more in control of their lives, or where they go out with friends after work and actually have a good time. They still worry about the next steps.”

Stage 4: Six Months to One Year

“There may be attempts to reconcile,” (consider learning what percentage of marriages end in divorce), or arguments about kids and custody. Legal proceedings may begin.” Support from family and friends may ease the pain.

Stage 5: After a Year

Now, life has a pattern. The kids have adjusted, but may still hope for a reconciliation.

Stage 6: Two Years Later

Changed circumstances have become the norm, and there is some good news, if you are prepared to move on and realize “that all this, too, shall pass”.

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Consider reading why women initiate divorce more than men ….

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The 6 Stages of Divorce Based on Categories

Licensed therapist, Becky Webstone, PhD, describes stages of divorce as “adjustment pathways”. She defines these stages in years. The first year, she says, everyone suffers. By the end of year two, most people have improved and are leading more “constructive” lives. Six years down the line, after divorce, many people have moved on, remarried, and are living new existences.

Dr. Webstone published an article in The Medium, discussing her research for a book she wrote. This included a 30-year study entitled The Virginia Longitudinal Study (VLS), undertaken by psychologist Mavis Hetherington. It focused on 1,400 divorced families, which were divided into six different categories:

1. “Enhanced”: Hetherington called this category, which was mostly female, “divorce winners”, who positively “adapted and worked to improve their new life”. They were “driven by a strong survival instinct and desire to stay balanced socially and professionally”. This group made up one-fifth of the study.
2. “Good Enough”: This group made up 40% of those studied. They did their best to “improve their lives, tackled problems”, but were unable to keep it up.
3. “Seekers”: They “sought a new mate as quickly as possible”. A year after divorce, 40% of men and 38% of women were ‘seeking’.
4. Freedom Lovers: This group was mostly male. At the start, they led busy single lives like “libertines”, but felt guilty for leaving their families. (Webstone does not tell us how many of those studied fall into this category, but she does say they eventually balance out, and probably merge into one of the other 5 categories, or they may end up “going to rehab” or needing to.)
5. Happy & Alone: Only 10% of people studied fell into the group who don’t remarry after divorce. She calls them “well adjusted” and “socially skilled” and says they lead “fulfilling” lives. (Knowing the number of happily single divorced women I do, I’d suggest this is higher than 10 percent!)
6. “The Defeated”: People in this group, about 10 percent of those studied, usually experienced various issues while they were married. Many of them were emotionally and financially dependent on their partners, and they fell apart after divorce. They often succumbed to “depression, substance abuse, and a sense of purposelessness.”

The 7 Stages of Divorce

San Antonio-based Dawn Dais had her own difficult marriage, endured a divorce, and emerged eventually, feeling stronger. In 2023, she published a book entitled The S*** No One Tells You About Divorce. In an excerpt from that book, she discussed her “divorce obstacle course” – Seven Stages of Divorce. She believes we experience these stages “more than once” when we go through a divorce. In fact, she says, we can experience “multiple stages in a day”.

These 7 stages include:

• Stage 1 – Denial: Dawn believes it’s hard to face that what you may consider a ‘trial’ separation could be the real thing.
• Stage 2 – Exuberance: In this stage, one celebrates milestones and small achievements. Enjoy those “new beginnings” while they last. 
• Stage 3 – Blaming: This is when you blame your Ex because you don’t have financial security anymore, and aren’t part of a couple.
• Stage 4 – Crying: When times are tough, we may fall apart. This is when we face the fact that we are getting divorced.
• Stage 5 – Therapy: Finally, it’s time to consult an expert and consider the future.
• Stage 6 – You’re Single: To heal, you need to accept you’re single, start having fun, and meet new people.
• Stage 7 – Time to Shrug: Accepting it’s over, and moving on.

“The hate you carry around at the beginning of your divorce is rooted in the love that used to exist between the two of you,” Dawn explains.

As long as you hate your Ex, you are still admitting that you care. Caring is not easy to navigate around and through, but once you do, you’ll find that indifference is a much easier place to reside.”

“The opposite of love isn’t hate; the opposite of love is indifference.” – Dawn Dais.

Conclusion

Of the three experts, I’d say my divorce experience resonates the most with Dawn’s “obstacle course”. Just as I thought I’d got over one divorce hurdle, and was progressing toward the next stage of divorce, I’d take a few steps backward, or tumble and fall. Life happens, it’s not scientific, and we are bound to ebb and flow through these stages, feeling the same things over again at different times. And yet, if we’re conscious, we will progress. We’ve got to want it. When you can sit down and talk to your Ex without tears or recriminations and perhaps share one of your children’s achievements, you’ll know it’s finally over.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa, with two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”