What is a Menodivorce?

I remember the moment a friend of mine first mentioned the term “Menodivorce.” My initial thought was, “Wow! Now that’s an interesting confluence of words.” I couldn’t help but ponder the depth of what the term might really mean. It made perfect sense to me, in a weird kind of way. You’re not just losing a marriage. You feel like you’re losing your mind, your identity, your hormones, and your sense of purpose–all at the same time, because menopause is involved! 

“Menodivorce” is a new term for the increasing number of divorces among older people, particularly those in their fifties, when menopause can play a huge role in the decision-making that leads to divorce and its experience. 

My first thought was, Is this really a thing? But my second thought was, I can see how menopause could definitely be a contributing factor to divorce. If you have found yourself in midlife and you are wrestling with the decision to part with your spouse, menopause could actually be more of a contributing factor than you might dare to admit.

Because we know menopause is a real thing.

For many, it’s a struggle that can be brutal, alienating, and confusing as our female bodies start to shut off from childbearing capacity.  And yet so many of us have drunk the Kool-Aid that we women are irrational, emotional, etc., on and on. Naturally, we might balk at saying our biology has something to do with our decision-making about divorce.

So, is menodivorce a legitimate thing or simply another way to blame women for the destruction of their marriage?

What is Menodivorce?

“Menodivorce” is where the intersection of a midlife crisis, menopause, and a marital breakdown collide in an explosion of turmoil for women. Now, I will say, this is not a specific medical term by any means, but it is a cultural term that is starting to gain traction in the world of divorce. This is not about blaming hormones, but this is a very real, under-discussed experience that many women face, while the thought of divorce is lurking in the shadows.

We usually can’t see it coming, but boy, when it does, it’s like the huge wakeup call we were never expecting.

When the Wakeup Call Finally Hits

I know when I received my wakeup call, my life began to unravel fairly quickly. I always felt like I had a good handle on my life, until that very moment, when it was quite apparent that I was no longer in the driver’s seat. For that matter, I don’t think I ever had been in control, but now the realization was profoundly real on a much deeper level, and glaring.

Can you relate? Hormonal shifts, heartbreak, identity loss, hot flashes, all with an inability to think or see clearly, all flooding into your life like the perfect storm, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You wake up one day, feeling not happy in your marriage, realizing you are not living the life that you had always imagined, and you feel like the only choice is to jump ship, before the waves take you under and you drown.

You’re not alone. This is a common theme that is becoming more common in our culture, and women are trying to fight their inner battles to simply feel like their old selves again. You’re in the epicenter of a biological, emotional, and spiritual battle zone that is draining your energy–emotionally, spiritually, and physically on all fronts. You’re not weak, you’re not crazy, and you’re not just being dramatic. The struggle is real.

Wait…Is Menodivorce Sexist?

Could this simply be another backhanded way of blaming women for being “crazy” in midlife? I don’t think so, if women themselves are the ones who are naming this pattern. Not only are men seeing it, but women are seeing and feeling it as well.

This is not about shaming women; it’s about trying to make sense of this perfect storm that is engulfing couples’ homes and rocking their marriages.

I like to think of Menodivorce as magnifying unspoken truths in women that have been simmering for years. Menopause is not the only cause of divorce, but it certainly doesn’t nurture the marriage either.

Why Menodivorce Hits Differently

For years, you ignored the cracks in the foundation of your home. You ignored the creaks and the subtle shifts because life kept moving, and so did you. Then one day, the floor caves in beneath you, and you finally see that the structure has been weakening for years. Instead of acknowledging it sooner, you find yourself standing in the rubble, facing what’s been there all along.

Menodivorce is this unique cocktail of loss of self, hormonal changes, the fear of aging, repressed resentment, dreams that never came to pass, and emotional numbness. This doesn’t just happen overnight. It has been years in the making, like a cancer cell that has been dormant for years but suddenly starts to spread into all parts of your body.

We all know that divorce is an unfortunate reality in our culture. As you might guess, it happens to be quite common. But have you ever asked yourself why do women initiate divorce more than men?  And why are women happier after divorce? You might check out these articles for answers.

Are Women Just in an Altered State?

Some people might be quick to say, “Oh yeah, Susie left because her hormones were raging and she was having a midlife crisis. She’ll regret this once she comes to her senses again.” Yes, menopause can mess with your brain chemistry, and Lord knows I’ve been there, but maybe it’s actually about the raw truth finally rising to the surface and women gaining clarity about their lives for the first time in a long time.

According to an article in USA Today, “In 1990, almost 1 in 10 of all divorces in the United States were among adults 50 and older. By 2019, that percentage had grown to almost 1 in 4, according to a study by Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family and Marriage Research. That coincides with a time most women go through perimenopause and menopause.

You’re not crazy. You might actually be waking up from a long, dark slumber much like Snow White–only this time you’re not awakened by the dreamy prince, but instead by an unvarnished reality, or with a clock ticking, a living nightmare. You realize some women endure pain and suffering for their entire marriage, and wake up one day wondering where their entire life went. They believe so deeply in the sanctity of marriage that they are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, often by sacrificing their own courage or safety.

Consider Reading:  “Bad Marriage: The Real Impact and What to Do About It.” Or “36 Things to Do If You are Thinking about Divorce.”

Regret? Relief? Or Both?

These are the difficult questions we wrestle with in the dark hours of the night. In their life after divorce, some women feel free for the first time in years, if they were enduring a toxic marriage. Some women feel completely gutted from a menopausal divorce, believing they were somebody else during that period of time they were navigating both menopause and divorce. They question if they would have made that decision or other divorce decisions if they weren’t going through all of the hormonal shifts during that phase of time. Other women feel both things simultaneously. To each woman their own, but the reality is that the struggle is alive and well in our current culture.

Menodivorce allows women to name this season of their lives and empowers them to understand what’s happening to them.

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This allows women to come together, support each other, and heal better, much like we do in SAS for Women. We don’t want menodivorce to be an excuse, but instead, a framework for self-understanding, grace, and growth. If you are experiencing a menodivorce, schedule a free consultation with SAS for Women, and we can help you navigate this difficult season.  We’ve been there and know there is indeed another big side of light waiting for you.

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Conclusion

A menodivorce doesn’t mean you fell apart. You cracked wide open, and sometimes that can be a good thing. You’ve got to discover who you really are. You’re discovering pieces of yourself you never even knew were there. Now, you get to decide who this new woman is, who rises from the ashes of her life.

Embrace your story and don’t hide from the ashes. It is possible to rise and come back even better than before.

NOTES

This article was written by Lori Ann Feeley, who loves helping midlife Christian women find hope in the darkest corners of life & chase their dreams. She is a freelance writer, adoption advocate, Certified Christian Life Coach, and Founder & CEO of Lori Ann Feeley Elite Coaching. Connect with Lori Ann at hello@loriannfeeley.com.

 

If you’re dealing with menodivorce, remember SAS for Women. Since 2012, we’ve been helping women consider … navigate … and rebuild after divorce.

Options include educational programs, divorce groups, virtual events, specialized coaching, and a FREE 6-month, weekly coaching letter dedicated to your journey.

SAS also provides a free website with 400+ articles focused on the woman’s journey through divorce.

Finding out how others survive and go on to lead full, meaningful lives after a divorce is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. Trust us.

Be connected and join our tribe now.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”