What is Walkaway Wife Syndrome?
Marriage is like a give-and-give relationship where both partners give their best to make things work. However, there are some cases in which one partner gives it all and the other doesn’t lift a finger. Well, maybe a pinky. But that’s not enough.
In such scenarios, you can’t help but try to remind your spouse of his role in the relationship and your needs. But sometimes, it seems he doesn’t care at all.
It’s heartbreaking to be ignored, neglected, and feel like your voice has no sound. But let me tell you that you aren’t the only one dealing with this sort of situation. Many women can relate. Some of these women have tried and tried again to bring back the connection, the sound, the respect, but their marriages remain emotionally distant. Eventually, there’s a percentage of these women who give up. They’ve received no response from their partners, even after years and years of trying. Failing to have any impact, something inside of them cracks, or they get worn down to shreds. They leave.
Today, psychologists have a phrase for this. They call it “Walkaway Wife Syndrome.”
What is Walkaway Wife Syndrome?
The phrase doesn’t do justice to the syndrome, in my eyes. It seems to suggest that a wife just walks out the door for no apparent reason. But according to psychologists, it is meant to describe when a woman feels so lonely and neglected in her relationship that, feeling she no longer wants to make improvements on her side, she decides enough is enough and goes. It usually stems from dissatisfaction and unhappiness that a wife “suddenly” decides to leave her partner. There are other phrases to describe this, too. Like “Sudden Divorce Syndrome” or “Neglected Wife Syndrome.” In my way of thinking that last one suggests the real context.
Because, as described above, this decision is never taken “suddenly”. It occurs after years of dissatisfaction and many failed attempts to fix broken patterns, which contributed to the broken relationship.
While Walkaway Wife Syndrome may not be commonly used as a phrase, there are certain facts to point to its impact. It is reported that nearly three-quarters of all divorces are initiated by women. When asked why they made this decision, most women said it was because their partners neglected them and did not take on any responsibilities concerning the marriage. Not only this, but the women also believed that they constantly needed to defend their emotions while their men often ignored or dismissed them.
Check out “Do Women Regret Divorce?”
Who Are the Women Who Walk Away?
Why do these women suddenly decide to walk away from their partners? Well, we women know. Women who suffer these circumstances may come from all walks of life, but one thing they have in common is the complaint that their husbands ignored their presence, their words, and their requests no matter how much the women tried to be heard.
Lauren, a 49-year-old divorced woman, was very honest about what she went through.
Lauren shared that she was married for almost two decades but things started to go bad in her marriage six years in, when her partner developed a severe drinking problem. He then turned her out at first, “preferring drink” as she said. And then it grew bigger. He abandoned his responsibilities in the house, to her as a partner, and his fatherly duties toward the kids.
Of course, Lauren confronted him many times, asking him to get help for his addiction. And sometimes he would promise he would change. But things only got worse and she found out about his affair at work. This was the final straw that made her give up. Unfortunately, at the same time, she discovered she was pregnant.
Then later, in 2020, Lauren started therapy sessions to help her deal with her postpartum depression. Talking things out with her therapist helped her decide that it would be better for her to leave her loveless marriage.
“Like any other wife, I just wanted his care and attention. The only thing that breaks me is that I wasted my prime with a person who never could be a true partner.” She added, “Maybe he never loved me at all.”
Another woman, Eileen, age 37, found herself in a little-too similar situation. Eileen was the only breadwinner for the family. But unlike the traditional marriage, where the male was the breadwinner and the female the stay-at-home mom — raising the kids, managing the household, the logistics of family life — when Eileen would return home from her job, she had to handle all the household chores, the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, and the driving for the family. Her husband was at home, but he never felt the need or inclination to chip in and participate in family life. For Lauren, working at her job, and working when she got home, it just felt like he was taking advantage of her and had no empathy for the many roles she was forced to play.
Learn what the research says. Consider reading, “Are Women Happier After Divorce?”
One day Lauren told a friend that she was not happy with her husband-wife relationship. The friend suggested Lauren make a list of three things where she thought there was room for improvement in her marriage. The friend suggested she talk to her husband about these three things and to see if her husband could understand where Lauren was coming from. What’s more, to see if her husband would agree to help out or if they should consider a change.
When Lauren shared her three items with her husband, he agreed to her requests, but no action on his part came of it. He was not interested in putting in any effort and quickly things derailed to what they had always been. It was then that Lauren realized she was in her marriage alone. “I knew that he didn’t care about our marriage, or me,” Eileen said.
What About the Men in These Marriages?
It’s not uncommon to be living in this kind of marriage and when women finally decide to leave, they feel the pull of internal conflict: their action may appear like it is coming out of the blue.
As Joannie, a 60-year-old woman, says “I am getting ready to leave I think, but I feel guilt that I haven’t warned him enough. I’ve let it slide for 35 years. He’s become accustomed to my bitching. He’ll be blown away when I tell him I can’t take it anymore and I’m going.”
To Joannie, we at SAS for Women would like to say, we understand. In some way, you feel responsible. You are and maybe always have been, the only adult in the house. But you’ve been telling him for 35 years, Joannie. Yes, you let it slide, hoping beyond hope that somehow things would change, but they never did.
When are you going to stop banging your head against a door that doesn’t open?
Why does his life and his toxic neglect of you matter more than your own life?
We know that it will probably be a shock for him. He may be blown away. He and you have grown addicted to the status quo. But it’s an unhealthy status quo and something has to give. Maybe it’s the shock that will finally wake him up from taking you for granted. Maybe you need to show him something different than what you’ve been saying since your words have fallen on deaf ears. A change, even a temporary one could be the lightning bolt that leads you both to a healthier place.
Consider reading, “27 Signs You are in a Toxic Marriage.”
Do You Feel the Pull of Walking Away?
When hearing OTHER people’s stories, it is easy to understand why someone else would choose to leave an imbalanced marriage. Especially when they have tried and tried various options for rescuing the marriage but were met with no response or reciprocation.
Perhaps you too have tried talking to your spouse. Maybe you’ve suggested things to do that could make the status quo better. You might have yelled, screamed, retreated, gone silent, but in response from your mate, heard nothing but crickets?
It’s important to know that many women in such situations develop intense frustration and emotional burnout. They grow ill. They grow depressed. And if this all sounds familiar, it’s time for you to seek professional help, so you look at the situation differently — so you reconnect with your self-worth.
While seeking support from outside can feel hard, some people can help like therapists, coaches, and support groups. When you get over the shame of being in a situation like this and choose to vocalize your story to a compassionate third person, it’s the beginning of you getting perspective and letting go of the weight you are carrying inside you. It’s the beginning of your understanding this is not simply your private nightmare, but something that happens to many women today. A good professional can help you explore if you could try different communication styles to make your messages and needs heard, and if not, how to prepare for something different like a trial separation, a pause, or a divorce.
Read “Divorce for Women: Why It’s Different.”
Conclusion: What Should You Do Before You Walk Away?
Contemplating divorce, or leaving behind a life that you worked so hard to create is never an easy thing to do. But can your body continue to live this way? Is this what your life was meant to be? Is it what you want to model to your children? Do you want your children to grow up replicating your pattern of hard work, martyrdom, or hostility? Or his pattern of neglect and indifference toward his life partner?
Read “36 Things to Do If You Are Thinking About Divorce.”
There are some ways to think about your situation. You can ask yourself questions:
- “Have you done everything you could to make things work even if it was just you?”
- “Have you told your partner what you need from him?”
- “Have you asked your partner to go to counseling together to see if new patterns could be learned by both of you?”
- “Have you given your partner enough time to respond and improve?”
If you said yes to all these questions, then it is time to consider alternatives. Because something has to change.
Remember the first rule of marriage is that both partners must continue to work on the marriage. A marriage cannot be successful if one partner is struggling while the other half is sitting back and doing nothing. You deserve to be happy, to be nourished, to grow. And to do that you have to sometimes make very hard choices, like ending a bad marriage.
Since it is a delicate decision, be truthful to yourself. Get help, and talk it out with someone who has experience supporting women like you. So, if you walk away, you know it is because you are choosing something healthier, something more balanced, like reconnecting with yourself and what you truly deserve. Walk Away Wife Syndrome is a real thing for real reasons.
NOTES
Aimen is a doctor by profession and is passionate about supporting women’s mental health. She writes often for websites exploring issues and offering insights about women’s emotional and mental well-being. Aimen actively advocates for women’s rights in her community and tries to amplify their voices, making the world a better place for everyone.
Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation with SAS for Women. Whether you are wondering what your life choices are, or thinking about divorce, or coping with it, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others. Choose to not go it alone.
*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”
