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How to help a friend through a divorce

How to Help a Friend Through a Divorce in 18 Loyal Ways

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There may not be an infallible method for how to help a friend through a divorce, nor how to pry off the lid she’s got clamped on her real feelings. Sometimes, though, you may wish for a lid to put on her determination to post every insulting meme she can find, and block her from running by the old house “to pick something up” when really, she just wants to see whose car is in the driveway.

Even the best of friends, the most soulful, empathetic, insightful and funny among us may sometimes think we just failed miserably when trying to help.

Hang in there with her. It’s not easy but it is simple to help your friend through this messy metamorphosis and give her – if not everything — the most important things you would have put on your own divorce wish list.

Because, you know this all too well. Divorce can feel like a trampoline set on a nest of fire ants, a pogo sticking marathon on cobblestones of loss and rage, wild elation and tearing fear. It’s the sound of thin ice cracking, a naked ballet class in quicksand with hallucinations of Olympic judges hiding nearby, or it can be a thunderstorm of grief in a thimble.

It’s also a glorious unleashing of a woman’s potential, a Renaissance fair of possibility, an unfurling, a chain-snapping, brazen dance into the savannahs of self-discovery and finally getting to be exactly who we wanted to be.

How lovely it is when we get to be the Fairy God-Sister for our friend and give her some thoughtful comfort in the face of all this. Besides your magic wand, here are 18 ways to offer sustenance and succor to her, whether tangible or emotional.

How to Help a Friend Through a Divorce

1. It’s OK to Be Whatever, However, Whenever

Let her know that it is 100 percent allowed to be All Over the Place for a while. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is this: “You will have a different, really extreme emotion every five seconds. Just roll with it. It will pass. Let yourself feel it and then let it go when you can.”

One of the most powerful divorce gifts we can give our friend is to meet her where she is. She will second-guess, she may babble, she will cry and then laugh like a loon, and she will probably want to buy some really questionable outfits. Try to let her. Sometimes we just have to let the crazy out.

For a grounding on what is happening with her (or yourself?), check out “Your Shocking Post-Divorce Behavior”

2. Ask, Don’t Tell

If something feels like a really bad idea, ask her if maybe there’s another option she might consider, another way to look at something. If she’s not ready to go there yet, don’t push. Try to listen for the good timing, a natural segue and those little Easter egg word cues you can follow to the place where she’s ready to hear that there might be “another way”. And if she’s absolutely certain the hot purple plastic tube top with dominatrix ties at the neck is part of her new go-to-hell outfit of choice…well…maybe find a Girls’ Night Out option where that works and then bring a can of Mace and a sweater.

3. Don’t Make Her Wrong

Sometimes it’s difficult to bite our tongues, but it’s crucial to listen without judgment, without telling her where she “ought” to be in the process. There is absolutely no “ought to” here. Everyone has their own process and does things their way in their own time.

There is no measuring stick for how this goes and no time limit for when she should be “over it.” Nope. If the words “should” or “ought to” want to leap out of your mouth, reel them back and swallow them.

4. It’s Not a Failure, It’s a Re-Route

Look at it this way. Divorce (or the threat of it) is that GPS gal keeping us all headed toward the road of what is healthy — a solid, fulfilling partnership or preventing us from getting stuck in the gridlock of a miserable marriage for the rest of our lives.

Check out “How to Overcome the 6 Hardest Things About Life After Divorce.”

5. Patience, Patience, Patience

No sighing, no secretly rolling your eyes, no patronizing, no lecturing.

The best way to listen to someone is join them for the trip — but not be a backseat driver. You’re there to feel it with her, laugh with her through it, hug her and mirror back to her what she’s ready to hear. Sometimes pushing someone does help, but more often, our friends need to know they have people on their side more than they need to be challenged. Divorce is challenging enough.

6. When in Doubt, Delegate

You learned this in your own divorce, and now, it’s time to pass it on and not waste time. Among the greatest gifts of helping a friend through a divorce, is to encourage her to reach out to the right people for their divorce advice and expertise. Don’t just start and stop with a divorce lawyer, inspire her to connect with a divorce coach and to learn how one could anchor her and save money, time, and most of all, pain. If she hems and haws, let her know that many divorce coaches give free consultations to demonstrate how they help, so what’s to lose? And getting your friend a meeting with a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) is critical, since economics will play a definite role in her divorce. (You learned that yourself from your divorce coach😉.)

7. From Delegating to Depositions, Help Her Hire a Lawyer

Sometimes having an attorney in your corner is the only way to make it out of a divorce with the assets, the parenting agreements and the sense of control you need to recreate a life with more than just remnants and scraps. But of course, lawyers are expensive. If you have the means, lend her the money or even gift a portion of what it will cost, even if it’s just that first meeting. If that isn’t feasible – and let’s face it, these days certain grocery items are enough to cause sticker shock – check with your friends to see if pooling funds or even a GoFundMe account is a possibility, but make sure everyone understands that discretion is paramount. Along the lines of discretion, keep in mind that she may need to keep legal meetings strictly under wraps, particularly if she’s dealing with an abuser. It may be necessary to pay in cash or help her set up a separate account so as not to leave a paper trail. She will also want to interview and/or research which lawyers are best and get a general idea of what she’s entitled to and what she can expect. Try to help her formulate the best questions to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation.

8. Remind Her of Her Best Self

You’re her cheering section through this battle, so mean it. Divorce can flay us, leave us hollowed out, bring up every fear and dimmish every bit of confidence. She’s going to forget how great she is, so remind her. Don’t wonder why or get frustrated with her; the best of her is in there, she’s just in a blinding whirlwind of change right now and can’t see herself clearly. Tell her she sparkles, that she’s smart, resilient, gorgeous, funny and that she’s tougher than she thinks. Remind her of what she’s already faced, why she should be proud of herself. Remember when she kicked that 5th grade bully in the shins because he kept teasing you? She probably doesn’t remember that right now, so tell her again. Make her laugh. The finest help we can give, the most loving  way to be a friend, is to see the best of her when she’s miles away from her best and then keep telling her what you see.

9. Don’t Villainize Her Ex

He may be a Grade A douchebag, but let her say that first. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer insight, but spewing vitriol and insults over him before she does (and she will likely reach her angry phase at some point) could just make her think she was stupid for marrying him in the first place — like she was the only one who didn’t see it. It also runs the risk of emoting for her, which is less a matter of empathy and more a matter of co-opting her process.

10. Don’t Superimpose Another Divorce Story Onto Hers

This goes along with not co-opting her process. We don’t help by giving her another story to compete with. Don’t up the ante with the “had it worse and done it better” angle. Every story is valid. There is a happy medium between letting her know she’s part of a very big tribe of women and diminishing her voice and her unique story with a constant refrain of other women’s headlines. She needs you to hear her. By the same token, it’s not ok to make her fears and her sadness worse by telling her all the horror stories you’ve heard, nor is it helpful to project some angry story of your own onto her and her situation. This isn’t your part of the show. Here’s an example of what “making it all about you” looks like: One friend said to another, “Well, I hope you don’t go after your husband’s IRA. My brother’s wife went after his IRA, and it’s really not fair.” In what world is this helpful? This isn’t the time to use your friend’s story to vent your own frustrations.

11. Don’t Villainize Her Ex… But Don’t Date Him, Either

There’s a code among friends, girls, so just eliminate that little fantasy from your head right now. It really shouldn’t have to be said. You may have always liked him. You might understand why he and your friend are divorcing. But if you want your friend to stay in your life, do not get involved with her Ex now or afterward. This is not to say you can’t be civil, social, or friendly with him down the road. But dating him? That’s a certain way to throw gas on this fire and make her pain and sense of betrayal 100 times worse.

Take it from another divorced woman, and remind yourself “What You Should Never Say to a Divorced Woman.”

12. Text Her

She needs to know someone sees her, that she’s still got witnesses for her story, especially now when the plot twists are coming hard and fast. She needs to know she’s on someone’s mind. “Good morning, Beautiful Girl.” (It doesn’t matter that you’re not her dream lover; she’ll know how you mean it). Some other things she might need to hear are, “You’re a total bad-ass. I know this feels god-awful right now but it’ll get better and you’ve got this.” Or “Hey, babe, just thinking about you. Want to get coffee?” Or simply, “At least you’re not vomiting right now.”

13. Meal Delivery

With or without kids, this may not be a money saver but it eliminates the need to have to think about One. More. Thing. It also gives her back a little of the framework she may be missing, that sense of being partnered, and it frees her up from the “hangry” impulse choices that are great at times but may be difficult to resist when she really wants to resist them. Sun Basket offers delivered meals to prep, all ingredients included, or microwavable options. There’s also Blue Apron and Hungry Root for vegans. If there’s enough of a friend and family network, Give in Kind is a “meal train” system, and on the other end of the spectrum, Spoonful of Comfort does just a one-time delivery. And there’s always Amazon. My sister’s friend had bone broth delivered to her during her recent Covid quarantine; she said it was a wonderful gift, not only to have something soothing and nutritious already prepared when she was far too tired to do her own cooking, but also as a tangible reminder that she was loved and cared for.

14. Give Her a Logistical Lift

Offer to pick the kids up after school, or to host them overnight at your house for a pajama party. Call her from the grocery store and ask her if there’s something she needs. Tell her you’ll feed her cat or take her dog for a walk. It’s these small, practical things that help her feel partnered even if she’s no longer married, and lets her know she’s not alone – whether in her divorce journey or in the howling wilderness of Wal-Mart.

15. Massage

One of the things that brings out the sadness in a divorce is missing the touch of someone she loved, and often wondering if she’ll have that again. A massage session is a soft way to be nurtured, feel beautiful and relaxed and also be out in the community again in a way that is both stimulating and soothing. Massage Envy or Zeel have locations in most cities, but word of mouth for local practitioners is often the best way to find the ones with the golden touch.

And send her this link, so she knows where she is headed: “46 Steps to Ensure Your Divorce Recovery: A Definition and a Guide”

16. The Pretty Basket

Women are pretty great about finding things that remind our friends that they’re beautiful and desirable but also don’t make them feel like they now have a self-improvement assignment. My sister got me some really wonderful hand-made bath bombs complete with crystals and pretty stones in them, so each bath was a delicious whipped-froth Sundae with a little treasure hunt afterward. Brilliant. 

A good hand cream is always nice and nail polish is a good one; it’s fun and the toes can often be as creative and vivid as we want them to be. Candles, of course, a comfy pair of PJ’s, a teddy bear for her to sleep with or another wee beastie she might happen to like – maybe a plush toy sloth, duck or iguana is more her thing. Regardless, it gives her something to hug at night when the silence gets really loud.  If you’re confident and it feels like a needful thing, a high-quality vibrator is a gift that keeps on giving. If you don’t feel like you’ve got the knack for this, Unbox Me is a woman-owned care package business — and those women might have just the right item for your pal.

17. A Week of Work-Outs

See if there’s something she’s wanted to try and tuck a week-long gym membership in her basket of goodies you might give her. Maybe it’s a spin class, maybe it’s pole dancing or a kickboxing gym — whatever grabs her imagination. A lot of anger can surface after a divorce and there is nothing so satisfying as the shotgun blast sound of a full-size punching bag when you kick it with everything you’ve got. Classpass allows women to try it before buying it, keeps her active and those much-needed endorphins percolating.

And of course, the …

18. Girls’ Night Out Coupons

You know, to show off those highly questionable outfits. Love those things.

NOTES

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer and print journalist living in the South Carolina Lowcountry. Connect with Jennifer at verbosej@hotmail.com

 

Here’s still more help for a friend through a divorce: Since 2012, SAS for Women has been entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women like your friend, six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies. All of it sent discreetly to her inbox.

Encourage her to join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Cheating wife

The Cheating Wife Phenomenon

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Move over, husbands with lipstick on your collars, and give the ladies some room. The cheating wife is the latest trend in women’s sexual evolution and the numbers are undeniable.

Globally, Ashley Madison membership numbers nearly match the number of married couples in the United States, and women make up half of the members on the (cheating) app. Think of that: there are enough unfaithful in the world to fill the third-largest continent — and half of them are wives. Ashley Madison, the world leader in married dating websites, had 60 million registered members worldwide as of 2019. In comparison, 62.34 million married couples exist in America as of January 2020.

Looking for Greener Grass

This means that at least 30 million women across the world are looking for sex with someone other than their husbands. And Ashley Madison is just one site. Their numbers don’t include the people on dating sites like Match, Bumble, and Tinder who are lying about their “single” status in order to land lovers on the side. That estimate is one in six. With those numbers and the topic “cheating wife” netting 5,400 hits a month on search engines and divorce sites, a new picture of sexual relationships is emerging.

Not only is cheating big business, but it isn’t just for husbands anymore.

Even the infamous 2015 hack into Ashley Madison’s database didn’t deter new users for long. Ashley Madison’s net worth added up to $1 billion six years ago—right about the time the hack occurred. As breaches go, it was explosive. Hacked information doesn’t get much more sensitive than a database full of cheating spouses, and members’ desire to maintain that secrecy doesn’t get more emotionally loaded. The hack exposed an estimated 32-37 million members’ intention to cheat, but the company boldly added another 30 million members—effectively doubling their numbers. Before the breach, they were signing about 30,000 new members every day and were back to adding about 22,000 daily just four years afterward.

The Cheating Wife & The Gender Gap

In essence, the numbers show that people are willing to risk a lot for sexual satisfaction and there is no current difference in cheating rates between the genders. But that equality has been a long time coming. Among Baby Boomers in the 57-75 age range, 25 percent of men and 10 percent of women have infidelity in their interpersonal portfolios. Just two generations later, among Millennials aged 25-40, females outnumber their male counterparts for infidelity with 11 percent of women cheating versus 10 percent of males.

So, while spouses may lie, the numbers don’t. An equal number of women and men are putting their marriage vows, family solidarity, financial well-being, and emotional equilibrium on the line for sexual expression that is fully joyful. In short, they’d risk upending their lives for the sake of feeling alive.

The questions women are asking ourselves and each other is: Why? If we are unfaithful, how do we live with it? And where did we get the idea that women feel less sexually motivated or “more monogamous” than men?

A Powerful Motivator

In the cheating wife trend, we are seeing sexual stereotypes debunked. The dusty old beliefs that women aren’t as interested in sex as men, or are motivated to have extramarital affairs because they want emotional intimacy rather than great sex, are getting exposed as a myth. Social norms made these false or only partial truths appear to be the “Truth.” Generally speaking, women didn’t want to rock that boat and men wanted to command it.

In my experience and from the woman-to-woman conversations I’ve heard, we are just as interested in sex as men are, if not more so. Our conversations about it tend to be much more explicit, as well. The current research, articles, and statistics match that impression.

Women might be more aware than men of the potential impact of sex since we bear the consequences of it in the form of pregnancy, childbirth, and most of the child-raising. We’ve also experienced sexual shaming across many world cultures. Historically, sexually free women get slapped in the face, stigmatized, or killed. (Sexually free men? A slap on the back and a high-five are much more common than recriminations). But women risk it. Women don’t go lightly into affairs, either, but they do it. When they do, it’s often because, despite therapy and many attempts at communicating their needs, they are still not reaching the intimate connection or orgasm that they seek with their husbands. While some may love their husbands and want to save the marriage, years and years of emotional or sexual flatlining is intolerable. The joy of intimacy is something they decide they want.

Sex and Emotions

In my opinion, the story that women have sex to forge greater emotional connections or are more aroused when they do feel an emotional connection has truth to it. And so does the story that we love variety in our partners and great sex—both of which motivate women powerfully. The larger, more compicated “Truth” usually lies somewhere in the middle.

“One reason women cheat is that being new to someone, being seen as interesting and desirable exactly who we are at the time, is really important, and so is being with someone who delights in us,” said one friend. “We’re not the same old person to someone new and they’re new to us. We’re not being compared to who we were 20 years ago.”

And of course, there is the added titillation of doing something forbidden.

What happens when we are denied something? It becomes more desirable. Add that zest to the spice of variety and you have a strong motivator despite the risk of being caught and despite the risk of divorce. Among “ever-marrieds,” 40 percent of those who cheated are divorced, compared to only 17 percent of the faithful being divorced. Factoring in the adrenaline of danger adds even another degree of excitement.

Guilty Pleasure or Good for the Goose and Gander?

There are also the more emotional consequences of cheating, but even those aren’t nearly as clear-cut as you’d think. One Catholic-raised friend who did cheat on her husband felt guilty about it but also knew she was unhappy in her marriage to a controlling man. Like many women, she used the affair to leverage herself out of the marriage.

The only thing that her guilty feelings really impacted was the financial fallout from her divorce.

“My mistake was that I let him make me feel guilty enough about cheating that I didn’t seek more of a settlement of what I was legitimately entitled to,” she said.

You might think that guilt would stop women from being untrue to their mates. However, a lot of us do not feel the guilt and shame that society taught us to feel or have inflicted on each other.

Reported Benefits of Infidelity

“For these women, the release they experienced through sex with an affair partner saved their marriages. Prior to participating in an affair, they doubted their own ability to stay in the marriage. They simply didn’t know how much longer they could live sexlessly or with a sex life absent pleasurable release. However, the thought of dissolving their marriages evoked sadness and despair. But the sexual relief of being a cheating wife made them feel capable of continuing to stay in those marriages—something they very much desired,” writes Alicia Walker, Ph.D. in her article “The Secret Lives of Cheating Wives.”

“With their sexual needs met, at least periodically, they found themselves better able to endure the daily frustrations of a shared life. They could overlook an unequal division of household labor, irritating habits, and even inattentiveness, in part because they kept such a large, stigmatized secret from their spouse. Many pointed out that when they got angry with their husbands about something small, they checked themselves with some version of the thought: ‘I’m a cheating [b-word].’ But aside from the guilt about their behavior, the sheer power of having their sexual needs met enabled them to be a more gracious version of themselves.”

Her Story, Not His-Story

What we are seeing as women become primary breadwinners, business moguls, national leaders, and power brokers in greater numbers is more than a sexual evolution. It is a resurrection of women’s original sexuality.

Look back at the Goddess-centered cultures that covered the globe for the Paleolithic period. There was no passage of property linked to children, who were only guaranteed to belong to one man by control over his wife’s sexuality. Wealth, the means of making it, and children belonged more to the cooperative group than the ruling few.

It wasn’t until the much later and much shorter epochs that cultures became more hierarchical and violence-dominated. Wealth moved upward to a chosen few male leaders and their consorts, instead of funneling down and out to the greater community. (This is kind of the “One Ring to Rule Them All” model). Those few men of means began to want a guarantee that their children were theirs before making them their heirs. So, women became property, and their sexual power came under control, scrutiny, and often, punishment in one form or another.

We have since learned to normalize that control and the resulting muffled female sexuality. It clearly isn’t natural. When we look at how much longer the Paleolithic lasted than later periods, and the sexual norms that went with it, the rising tide of “cheating wives” seems to indicate more of a return to nature rather than an aberration.

What we are seeing in the cheating wife trend may be disturbing to some and vindicating for others. Regardless, it is an indicator of women taking their power back and re-writing their story themselves.

Notes

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer, former print journalist, and feature writer living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves wordcraft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys compelling content and the liberty to write about interesting contributors and innovative ideas. Connect with Jennifer at verbosej@hotmail.com.

Since 2012, SAS for Women dedicates time and effort to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusion afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Tricky Part movie poster sexual assault awareness month male abuse

Sexual Assault Awareness Month: It’s Tricky

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In Tarana Burke’s Ted Talk, the founder of the #MeToo movement describes how she came to that moment of clarity that launched a tidal wave of change. Growing up in the projects of the Bronx, she was raped and assaulted repeatedly as a child and teenager. As she got older, her mother encouraged her to get involved in the community to find healing from these experiences. While working in Alabama, she met a girl whose name was Heaven, who told her about being assaulted by her mother’s boyfriend. As Tarana silently listened, she didn’t know what to say, and while she would never meet her again, as she spoke, two words whispered inside Tarana: “Me too.” A few years later, as she was trying to raise awareness through social media, her hashtag opened a door for women to speak about the unspeakable.

We all know what’s happened since, but what also I found interesting about Tarana’s talk was that she made it clear sexual assault is not gender-exclusive.

Tarana wanted to open a door to all who have been abused against their will and suffered silently, to help give them a voice and the courage to speak out.

It’s hard to believe, but one in six men are sexually assaulted by the age of 18. That’s more than 22 million men in the U.S. By and large, despite how common this is, there is still a social stigma and silence surrounding it—we don’t talk about male abuse when we “celebrate” sexual assault awareness month. There is also a lack of awareness and understanding about the effects of these experiences, and common consequences can include rocky relationships and self-destructive behaviors.

Last year, my dear friend, actor Anthony Edwards (whom you may remember as Dr. Mark Greene from E.R. or Goose from Top Gun) asked if I would consider filming portions of an Off-Broadway show, an Obie Award-winning play called The Tricky Part. A few years before, he had spoken out for the first time about how a mentor crossed the line when he was just starting in the business as a teenager. Now a father of three, Anthony decided to come forward and speak publicly about his experience, and he thereby began the journey to heal the shame associated with this unwanted sexual experience.

Based on a memoir by Martin Moran, the one-man show The Tricky Part describes a three-year relationship Martin had at the age of 12 with his camp counselor. His play and performance garnered rave reviews in New York City, but Tony wanted to film portions of the show to use as a tool for 1in6.org, the organization he is now working with that helps men identify their experiences and provide resources to support a path towards healing.

As I found out, men are less likely to disclose these experiences then females. Men who have been sexually assaulted are at much greater risk than those who haven’t for serious mental health problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts, problems in intimate relationships and under achievement at school and work.

I knew none of this. I had not seen the show, nor had I read the book. But I knew Tony to be an extraordinary man, and so I said yes immediately. Once I did see the play I was knocked out by Martin’s story. He opens a door to a conversation that has been somewhat off limits, and it seemed to me that anyone who has been violated might find comfort and healing in his performance, as he invites you in and paints such an honest and accurate portrait. My immediate thought was to not just film a few scenes, but rather the entire show. And we did.

We completed a full feature film of The Tricky Part in January of this year. We had hoped to get it out to audiences and begin taking it to film festivals, a common route for independent films. We were moments from submitting it to festivals, when one-by-one they began announcing they were closing due to the coronavirus crisis. As April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, Tony suggested we spotlight male abuse, pivot to respond to the moment, get it out for people to see, and do a Live Stream Premiere of the film. The Tricky Part will now air this Thursday (April 30), followed by a live panel with Tony, Martin and me after the show.

If there is any possible upside to the world being put on pause, perhaps it’s that we now have time to reflect in ways we were unable to before.

Through the process of understanding this issue more, I’ve learned that the victims of assault are not just the individuals who have experienced it, but also their family members and loved ones. If “men don’t talk” about male abuse, during sexual assault awareness month or not, then the concentric circles of harm these experiences can generate can play out in a family, in a marriage, in a relationship, or a partnership. As unexamined issues, they get expressed, one way or the other—that is a clear message in all the research. So what I’ve discovered through the process of making this film, digesting the memoir and learning about the effects of shame is that while this is a story about a man’s journey, it is powerful for women, as well. Martin’s story is a way to open a door of understanding to the complexities of this kind of experience; he moves you and makes you laugh as he engages with his audience. He is a master storyteller.

I have worked as an actor since I was 4 and had the privilege of telling all kinds of stories, on film and on stage. Not everything has had a higher purpose—sometimes, it’s just about the escape or the distraction, honestly. I get that—especially now. I am also aware that we are all dealing with a great deal of complexity in the world at the moment, and distraction may be the most obvious response. But I know that we are innately social beings, and that beautifully crafted stories with heart and depth, shared in a theater with a group of others, is a way to remind us of our humanity.

A shared experience grounds us and reaffirms that we are not alone and gives us a common bond of feeling.

My journey to tell this story as a director, has brought me face to face with a lot of questions, opened doors in me that are surprising and layered. But mostly, as all great art can, it has elevated my perspective, opened my heart, and given me a window into understanding something that has stayed with me, long after the curtain has fallen. I am so grateful that Tony asked me to do this, and I am excited about the possibility of reaching more people with this captured on film. Our hope is that in the weeks and months to come, we will be able to announce the film hosted on a streaming site, on demand.

I look forward to that. But as of now, this event is live and for 1in6.org. It’s easy to share my passion for a subject that matters, beautifully told, in a world looking for ways to find a common bond. I would like to suggest that now more than ever, artists can lead the way to what the world needs most of all: Greater understanding of one other’s journey. The Tricky Part does that in spades.

Join 1in6 on Thursday, April 30th for 1in6 Presents: The Tricky Part! A free live virtual screening, followed by an interactive roundtable with actors Anthony Edwards, Raphael Sbarge, and Martin Moran. Dr. David Lisak and Patti Giggans of Peace Over Violence will also join moderator, 1in6 CEO Matthew Ennis. Stream live on Facebook or 1in6.org 

Raphael Sbarge is a beloved actor, filmmaker and award winning director and producer. His last film, LA Foodways, aired on PBS.  His production company Wishing Well Entertainment has produced films and videos all over the U.S and continues to tell stories of amazing people across all walks of life. SAS is honored to call Raphael a friend and we remain grateful for his vision in writing and directing, Divorce and Women: One Woman’s Unapologetic Journey.

Two women contemplating the state of women's health around the world

Women’s Health Around the World & Why It Matters

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We are no longer living when women aren’t allowed to vote. If our marriages are no longer serving us, we can get a divorce. If we want fulfilling careers, we can go out into the world, work hard, and create them. Starting a family? It’s our choice, not an obligation. We can now celebrate our strengths and achievements as women instead of hiding them away, preferring to be meek and docile and “feminine” to make men feel more comfortable and capable. No longer confined by the old-fashioned, we can be more than simply daughters, wives, and mothers. We can be providers, too.

Some women do, of course, provide for their families, but for others, this reality is still nothing but a concept. While the 21st-century woman has a lot more freedom than women of the past, the societal norms that once held us captive did not vanish completely. They only took on a different shape, one that continues to suffocate and oppress us.

Our culture makes it difficult to fully escape a gender binary. For the most part, we are either male or female, and people expect us to perform our assigned gender role. Many of us still face prejudice based on gender, trampling the equality that good men and women around the world have fought so hard for.

They say women can do anything men can do, but in truth, we tend to always pull the short straw. This is most evident when it comes to the state of women’s health around the world.

Maternal health

Women face many challenges today—unequal pay, racism, sexual harassment, and poor healthcare, to name a few. Healthcare, especially, is one aspect of our lives that is particularly lacking—because when it comes to women, our health does not seem to be much of a priority throughout the world.

Many women suffer from a myriad of health conditions that go unnoticed. This isn’t just because having quality health care can be a challenge but because of a lack of time—even women with full-time jobs often find themselves taking care of their family in ways that surpass the efforts of their husbands. There are also health issues that exclusively effect women, such as pregnancy, menopause, breast cancer, and cervical cancer.

Here are some examples of health concerns that women commonly have:

  • Cancer: breast and cervical cancer are the two most common cancers that effect women. Early detection is crucial to keeping yourself healthy and alive.
  • Sexual and reproductive health problems: this accounts for one-third of issues women aged 15 to 34 face.
  • Maternal health: women today are experiencing a great improvement in their care during pregnancy and childbirth compared to previous generations, but around the world, many women still die of routine complications.
  • Violence against women: women, whether in a heterosexual or same-sex marriage, are likelier to be subject to various forms of violence at the hands of their partner.
  • Sexually transmitted disease: unsafe sex has led to a considerable number of women contracting sexually transmitted diseases, such as HIV and HPV infection.
  • Mental health: women have a higher tendency to suffer from mental health issues, like depression and anxiety, than men.

Aging is also a factor related to women’s health. Older women often have less access to quality health care, pensions, and social services—a truth we know so well.

Violence against women

Many women face physical, sexual, and mental abuse—from broken bones to mental issues, violence against women is recognized as a global epidemic. This violence and abuse is just one reason that many women struggle to leave their husbands. If you’re currently in the midst of a particularly nasty divorce, prepare yourself and find support.

Among the health impacts of domestic violence include depression, sexually transmitted infections, alcohol addiction, low birth weight of babies, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, as well as injury and death. This violence is so alarmingly common that we urgently need to find the underlying causes and ways to prevent more women from becoming victims.

Women and suicide

In countries around the world, there is a higher chance of women suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts than men. Interestingly enough, while men may suffer from depression less overall, on average, more men commit suicide. But the numbers are still worrisome. The female suicide rate varies from country to country. Lesotho, a South African country, has the highest female suicide rates at 32.6 percent, with a population of 100,000.

Suicide is a complex, sensitive issue with a multitude of causes. It’s scary to think that one day someone you love may fall into a depression so deep and vast that they seriously entertain thoughts of suicide. Fortunately, mental health awareness is growing. More people are learning to understand that mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of. The more we as a society normalize these conversations, the more we can have honest conversations about what possible factors contribute to it.

Whether it is women’s suicide, violence, or mental health issues, communication is a key element that can make a significant change. Open communication and increased awareness is the first step to bringing these issues into the spotlight and addressing them.

Infographic explaining the state of women's health around the world

Women constitute more than half of the world’s population. The state of women’s health around the world is an indicator of how developed a country is. For example, approximately 529,000 women die from pregnancy-related causes each year, and 99 percent of those maternal deaths happen in developing nations. What we see when we look at the data is that improved women’s health means an improved community: higher levels of education, less people living in poverty, better access to healthcare.

The world may be working against us, but women are strong. Look for ways to find some peace and quiet in your life. Practice self-care. We are pillars of both society and our families. While no one can dispute our contributions and achievements, we are often victims of our society’s lack of support and misogyny. We may be far from our dream of equality, but we cannot lose hope. Women’s health couldn’t be more important—it has a ripple effect on everything around us.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

Finding ourselves after divorce

What Does Finding Ourselves After Divorce Mean & Is It Actually Possible?

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The concept of “finding ourselves” crops up time and time again in life. When you’re a teenager getting to know yourself, when you’re exploring your tumultuous twenties (and possibly completely reevaluating that teenage version of yourself you invented), and later on in life, when you experience a life-changing event like divorce.

We are often told as divorcees that the end of our marriage is a good opportunity to really “find ourselves” and connect with our inner selves. But what is the intention behind this saying? Is it just a useless platitude meant to reassure us that there is a larger meaning to life, or is it a zen-like state of self-awareness that is actually achievable?

In this post, we’ll be taking a closer look at the idea of finding ourselves after divorce, asking ourselves what that really means, and discovering whether or not it’s even possible.

Being comfortable spending time with yourself

When you’re married, you spend a lot of your time as one half of a whole. That’s the thing about married life; whether you have been together for decades or just a few years, whether you have children together or not, your lives become intertwined. It can be hard to remember where one of you begins and the other ends. You start to ask yourself questions like, do I even like hiking or bowling or any of the other activities I once did as a couple, or do I just think I do because my husband does? Why do I keep putting off x, y, or z? Do I actually like the person I’ve become? When you are forced to see yourself through your own eyes instead of someone else’s, your entire perspective can shift.

As a divorced person, you go from being constantly with someone else—if not physically then at least consciously having to take that person and their thoughts and goals into consideration—to being on your own again. And this transition can be extremely difficult. After all, the person you once shared everything with is no longer there by your side. Add in all those questions cycling through your mind, and it can feel a bit like an identity crisis.

In this situation, it can be tempting to either hide away from society completely (thus becoming intensely lonely) or bury your problems by surrounding yourself with the hustle and bustle of everyday life—like white noise that drowns out any pain or loneliness you may be feeling. Some people throw themselves into crazy behaviors as a means of experiencing their new, wild freedom.

Instead of doing this, seek comfort from yourself and find it within. It’s so important to be comfortable spending time with yourself, whether it’s for the long term or if you end up in a new relationship. Regardless, you need to be happy living your own independent life with your wellbeing at the center of everything you do.

Go to the movies on your own; go out for dinner and relish in your table for one. Have fun and enjoy your own company. Run yourself a relaxing bath, pour yourself a glass of wine, and settle in with a good book. Start to view your time on your own as a luxury; don’t let it pass you by. There are hundreds of things you can do as a newly-divorced, independent woman. When we talk about finding ourselves after divorce, this is how we get there.

Being happy with every aspect of you—including your body

Finding yourself means being comfortable and confident in your own skin, feeling free and happy enough to do whatever you want to do.

Becoming content with every aspect of yourself—including your body—is a tricky thing to achieve if you’re going through or have gone through a divorce. If the reason for the breakdown of your marriage is infidelity on your Ex’s part, then it’s all too easy to feel like your body isn’t good enough. It’s not skinny enough or curvy enough or young enough.

Read How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce? And 4 Signs You are on Your Way.

Or maybe it’s that you went into your marriage during a different time of your life. Back then, you were younger and your body looked different. Maybe it was before you had children. It’s no secret that childbirth changes our bodies, and many women struggle to deal with their postpartum body and find themselves beautiful again.

Embracing your mom figure and seeing the beauty in your body again can be tough, especially if you’re going through a divorce as well. Perhaps you’ve put on weight, or your mom tummy won’t go. Or maybe you’re self-conscious about your stretch marks.

Whatever your body hang-ups, underwear brand Knix is helping to challenge these self-hating thoughts and celebrate mom bodies with their inspiring Life After Birth Project. Partnering with online initiate The Empowered Birth Project and doula collective Carriage House Birth, Knix has launched a powerful visual project celebrating the strength and beauty of postpartum bodies.

As this project shows, finding happiness with your body isn’t about looking to the past and aiming to get back to the previous version of you: it’s about redefining yourself. Celebrate where you are now and what your body has achieved, whether that is growing and nursing healthy children, staying active and healthy, or carrying you through life’s challenges. You are fabulous and so is your body.

Making sense of your past

Making sense of our past is an important stepping stone to finding ourselves after divorce. It helps you to understand yourself, your behavior, and your actions more, which is what really helps us to define ourselves.

It’s not always easy to make sense of your past—especially if you’ve been sharing that past with your Ex and you are no longer together. Looking back at our history can be hurtful and challenging.

For many of us, we got into a relationship with our Ex (or Exes) at a completely different stage in our lives—and sometimes, very very young. Maybe too young, even. Perhaps this “forever” relationship papered over some cracks in your life that you haven’t thought about in a long, long time, such as your upbringing. Whatever happened in your past, now is a good time to make sense of it all. By doing so, you will start to understand yourself wholly and do the work that is deeply necessary for your divorce recovery.

This could be your own solo exploration of your past—perhaps writing a journal to become more self-aware or doing exercises involving looking back on your memories and previous life without anger or bitterness. You may even find fondness and gratitude, but if this is too hard, then at least try to find neutrality. The rest will come with time.

If you are struggling to make sense of your experiences and feelings from before, you might want to speak to someone. A kind and trustworthy friend or family member may help, but sometimes the most help we get comes from people removed from a situation—that perhaps don’t know you or your past that well—like a therapist. They will help you explore and make sense of your past safely, helping you find peace.

Recognizing your own power

Ultimately, finding yourself comes down to feeling fulfilled because you found the courage and the power within yourself to create the person you always knew you could be.

Think about what you want and who you really want to be, and recognize your own power to make this happen. You are in control of your life and your fate.

Sometimes, this means getting out of your comfort zone and trying new things. After all, if you’re going through the same old routine every day—going to the same job, eating the same food, and coming home to the same evening staying in and watching television—you’re never going to grow and challenge yourself.

Give yourself time and permission to try new things: take up a new hobby—something you’ve always wanted to do, like painting or dancing. Push yourself to meet new people. You’d be amazed at the new friends that come into your life when you’re going through a big change like a divorce. Of course, life is all about balance. By all means, be a thrill-seeker and experiment, but remember to be reliable for the sake of your family.

Putting yourself into new (and sometimes challenging) situations gives you a chance to grow, explore yourself, and most of all, have fun.

Life doesn’t stop just because you are divorced. Your new life begins—and it’s full of possibilities and excitement. Remember, you have the power, and recognizing this brings you a step closer to find yourself and finding fulfillment.

Finding ourselves after divorce means feeling content and fulfilled by the person we are and the life we lead. And the great news is that it is definitely possible.

In fact, it’s actually one of the positive side effects of going through something as huge and life-changing as a divorce. This is your chance to really connect with your inner self, recognize your power, and make changes to your life that will give you true happiness and confidence. Maybe finding ourselves after divorce isn’t so much about dusting off an old version of yourself or even inventing a new persona so much as having the courage to redefine your reality.

 

About the author: Kayleigh Alexandra is a writer, editor and influencer coordinator that regularly pens lifestyle advice for a range of inspirational brands and thought leaders around the world. Follow her work via Twitter @MentionMeio.

Whether you are considering a divorce, navigating it, or recovering from the challenging experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6, FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you and your future. Join our tribe now.

Thinking about mental health in a relationship

Reasons to Always Check Your Mental Health in a Relationship

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People say you can forget yourself in someone else—given that, it’s no wonder people also forget about their mental health in a relationship. It can be hard to squeeze in self-care on a good day. When things in your love life feel precarious, everything, including yourself, seems to fall to the wayside.

Relationships can come with many challenges, but like most of us, you and your partner likely aim to solve whatever problems come your way together. But sometimes, events may lead to that mutual understanding and trust dissolving right before your very eyes. The “band” has broken up. You’re no longer a team. A divorce or separation seems inevitable. If you find yourself in this position, don’t forget about the importance of checking your mental health.

While there are plenty more, here are four reasons why you should always check your mental health in a relationship:

1. Mental and physical health may form a link

Certain thought patterns may let the body feel specific feelings. If you’re watching a scary movie, your hair might stand on end, or if you’re falling in love, it might feel like there are butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

Now, many relationships come with challenges. For instance, you or your partner might be working day and night to meet deadlines. This scenario may leave the other person in the relationship feeling alone. It might even lead to a lot of overthinking.

Negative thoughts may result in physical manifestations of those views. The anxiety and worry might make your stomach churn as you think about your partner and your relationship. The extra stress might make you lose your appetite.

If faced with challenges in your relationship, consider taking deep breaths. This action may seem simple, but it might help you think more clearly. Don’t let pride get in the way of a healthy, loving relationship. There might be times when you have to be the better person as you take a step back. Focus on your thoughts and breathing patterns.

And if you or your partner are having difficulties that are already affecting your mental health, consider seeking professional advice.

2. Mental health may affect social interactions

Social events like working in an office, interacting with family members, and ordering coffee at the local café may seem like everyday tasks. However, these interactions require a person to have sound mental wellbeing.

Challenges in relationships might create negative thoughts that affect these social interactions. If you fight with your partner before heading into the office, it might change your work ethic. Routine tasks like documenting reports might feel like more of a challenge than usual. Arguments may replay in your mind. Seemingly routine tasks like ordering coffee or talking with a relative might become more tiresome than the norm.

Despite whatever is going on in your relationship, it’s essential to redefine your focus for the day. Head to a quiet room as you try to listen to your thoughts. Play happy music to help you relax. Try not to let the last fight with your partner hinder you from completing important tasks. And again, if you think it’s becoming a larger problem, consider seeking professional counseling services.

3. Current mental illnesses may worsen when provoked

Couples may already have certain mental illnesses before their relationship starts. These ailments may include mood, personality, and anxiety disorders—and because of that, they might affect your mental health in a relationship.

Having bipolar disorder means you have alternating instances of ecstasy and depression. These feelings may come and go without warning. Your happiness, sadness, and anger may become extreme. The adverse events happening in your life might make you burst out in anger at your partner, even if your partner isn’t the primary cause of those emotions.

Consider finding a happy place inside your head when stressful events seem to come from all sides. Talk to your partner about your mental condition. Your partner may be able to help you find solutions to cope with your mental illness. Keep in mind that one of the essential aspects of a long-term relationship is proper communication. Handling stress might seem complicated, but always remember that your partner is there to help you in times of need.

4. Physical health might worsen when mental wellbeing drops

You might be living with a chronic illness that may make everyday tasks more challenging to deal with. A few examples of these chronic ailments include cancer, diabetes, and heart-related concerns.

Physical health concerns might worsen when you don’t care for your mental health. Depression, for instance, may lead to unhealthy appetites, which can then lead to other health issues like anorexia or high blood pressure.

Don’t forget to think about yourself even when you’re in a relationship. Self-care is even more important during trying times in your relationship, like when you’re filing for divorce. While working together is still a critical aspect of a long-term relationship, consider thinking about yourself when needed, especially if your partner isn’t around to be there with you. Search for things that can help you relax. You might want to carry a stress ball around with you, for example, or eat your favorite, healthy comfort food.

Try not to let your emotions get the best of you when battling negative thoughts. Outbursts may cause mental and physical health problems. Check for the signs of mental health issues before they worsen. Above all, opt for professional counseling services if you find it too difficult to cope with what’s happening around you.

This article was written by Rebecca Hawkings who loves life and loves to help people change their lives for the better. She’s volunteered in the past to help those who are less fortunate and currently works full time while studying to become a psychologist. 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

Tips for Women for Love and Health

Tips for Women Taking a Holistic Approach to Love and Health

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When you hear about taking care of your health, your mind almost instantly goes to tips for women about eating well and exercising—about not “letting yourself go.” The reality is that there is more to people than their physical bodies and digestive systems. There is mental health wellness, like taking care of yourself emotionally and acknowledging that being sexual is both healthy and necessary, for instance.

To take a holistic approach to enhancing your health, all areas need to be addressed. Ensure that your love life isn’t neglected and give it as much care as you do your physical and mental well being. It can sometimes be difficult to determine where to start depending on where you are in life, but these tips for women should be a good jumping off point and hopefully get you motivated.

Learning and recognizing what your sexual needs are

Just as there are people who enjoy hitting the gym regularly, jogging every morning, or doing aerobics at home, everyone has different sexual needs. Human sexuality is intrinsic and natural. Whether you are single or in a committed relationship, you have to make your sexual needs a priority. Human sexuality is based on more than just physical satisfaction. There are elements such as intimacy, variety, and even expression.

Learning what exactly your sexual needs are can be hit or miss. But after divorce, it’s important to experiment and educate yourself so that you can fulfill your needs the same way you do in other aspects of your life.

Enhancing your love life

Besides accepting the fact that all humans have sexual urges and needs and that they’re natural, there’s also the fact that there’s nothing wrong with utilizing enhancements. There are many different items, supplies, and enhancements that can be used to improve your love life.

Even if you aren’t normally the adventurous type, trying out different types of sex toys and enhancements can really change and improve the way you feel about yourself. Some would describe the best strap-on sex toy as one that allows both people to feel satisfied. Wet for Her is a good company to check out if you are looking for sex-positive accessories and toys you can incorporate into your sex life. (Remember, experimentation is good—there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.)

Experimenting in the bedroom

You might have a set routine when it comes to intimacy. Things may begin, proceed, and end very similarly nearly every time. But routines can become habitual in a way that’s no longer exciting, and experimentation helps people have the best overall sexual health.

Now being sexually “adventurous” or even just being open to trying out new toys, positions, etc. isn’t something that you have to do all the time. In fact, many couples choose to experiment only on a semi-regular basis. When you find what works for you, it isn’t really necessary to reinvent the wheel. Instead try to think of experimenting in the bedroom as a much-welcome surprise that you get to endeavor in every once in a while.

Becoming empowered

At times, taking care of your health and love life can be difficult. Especially if your love life might be going through a rough patch. For most people, this can happen during a breakup or even after divorce. When you part ways with someone you have been in a relationship with for a very long time, your sexual health might be something that you put on the back burner.

It’s important during times of difficulty that you take the time to continue to explore your sexuality—empower yourself with it. While exploring you might discover things that benefit you that you were unaware of before. These are tips for women, specifically, because we don’t know often give ourselves permission to be completely selfish.

Just as you should exercise on a regular schedule and avoid eating unhealthily, your sexual health must be a priority. Take some time to be celibate and clear your mind if you’re single or getting over a break-up. If you’re in a relationship, be open to trying new things and listen to your partner’s suggestions.

At the same time, don’t be shy when it’s your turn to speak up. If there is something going on in the bedroom you want to talk about, make your thoughts known. Likewise, if you and your significant other have recently tried something new that you really enjoy, don’t hesitate to let him* know what makes you happy. As you continue on your divorce journey know that when you take a holistic approach to your health, a happy love life naturally follows.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body.  

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

 

*At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Breast cancer diagnosis

Breast Cancer Diagnosis: What You Need to Know

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A note from SAS Cofounder Liza Caldwell

Dear Reader,

It happened. Life was moving beautifully for this 53-year-old, post-divorce, single woman.

It was the end of June 2016, and I was preparing for a trip to Peru. I was particularly excited as I’d be traveling alone with my daughters. I remember I was cleaning my hiking boots, having scheduled my shots, and taken care of pesky medical exams. I was wondering … wondering if I was really up to this climbing we’d be doing. I had heard it would be hard. I was asking myself if I was really up to it … when I got the follow-up phone call. 

“What?” I seemed to stammer. “Excuse me?” No, that’s not part of my checklist, no where do I see THAT on the itinerary…

The words “breast cancer diagnosis” stopped me then, and in a parallel universe, I seemed to travel back in time. Stress swept up to blur my thoughts and I was suddenly a little girl again. A dumb little girl again. I was misunderstanding most probably. On the phone, the doctor kept talking, using multi-syllable words. but all the while I was not really hearing because a million things surged in and out of my head. Nothing was sticking.

Except this little girl was going to die. 

But I haven’t died. Not by a long shot. I did go through a mental, physical and emotional contortion though. It was another crisis that I could liken to the crisis of divorce.  But for here and now, this particular crisis I’d like to see it lessened for you should you ever be struggling with similar news. Because this shock can happen at any time, and it’s out of the blue. It only happens out of the blue! when suddenly you’ve joined legions of other women who’ve fought and survived breast cancer.

This post is about what you must know if you are given a breast cancer diagnosis. But allow me to emphasize three things up front.

First, a breast cancer diagnosis no longer means a death sentence. We are lucky that today more than 80 percent of those diagnosed with breast cancer (women and men) go on to live the lives they were meant to live. 

Secondly, put this in your muscle memory: a good question to ask a doctor if you’ve just received news of a cancer diagnosis or anything as frightening …

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how life threatening is this tumor (plug in any issue) you’ve just found?”

Because you need anchoring when you’ve been told something as serious as this, and some doctors who see cancer (or serious issues) everyday fail to remember we don’t. We have no clue what the prospect is for life after. And thanks to stress flooding our prefrontal cortex, our ability to think straight or formulate questions go out the window.

Ask that question,”how threatening on a scale of 1-10″ to curb the stress and get some perspective.

Then, thirdly, grab your best friend. And with his or her support seek several medical opinions from breast surgeons. You want a breast surgeon with an excellent record performing the kind of surgery you need specifically. You ALSO want a breast surgeon who is particularly sensitive to the scar your surgery will leave. As the female surgeon I ultimately chose told me — months after my surgery —

“I spend the majority of my time in the operating room paying attention to how I’ve gone in to remove the cancer and especially, what my exit path looks like. It is cosmetic, because what helps a woman heal is not only being told she is cancer-free afterwards but that eventually, there is less and less of a scar to see. She’s not reminded of her trauma every time she looks in the mirror. Recovery has a lot to do with mindset.”

Two years beyond my diagnosis, I’ve finally made it to Peru, and as for the day to day, I look great is what I am told! I don’t think about it anymore but to be grateful because my diagnosis caught the cancer so early. I am also grateful for my exceptionally skilled surgeon. Grateful for my amazing and dear friend, Susan who accompanied me to all the medical exams, and procedures and who made the nurses, doctors and me laugh. And grateful for my daughters who, joining this group of extraordinary women showed me there ain’t no mountain high enough.

If you are ever diagnosed with breast cancer, chances are you will be lucky like me.  

What you need to know about your breast cancer diagnosis

Across the country, hundreds of thousands of women feel the effects of breast cancer, whether they have recently been diagnosed, are actively fighting it, are a survivor, or have a loved one who has been through these stages. Breast cancer is a reality that most women don’t want to think about, but one in eight women in the United States are diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime.

Fortunately, there are also over 3.3 million breast cancer survivors alive and thriving in the United States today. With the support and knowledge of these brave survivors, the growing research about breast cancer, and your own network of friends and family, you can take the appropriate steps at each stage to ensure that you live the healthiest and fullest life possible.

Before breast cancer: the common causes and risks

Despite the widespread effects of breast cancer, the exact causes of the disease are still unknown. Researchers do know that any type of cancer involves the body’s cells multiplying uncontrollably and excessively. With breast cancer, the rapid cell growth typically starts in the inner lining of the breast’s milk ducts or lobules, which are tiny glands that produce milk for breastfeeding.

While experts haven’t been able to pinpoint what exactly spurs cancer’s rapid cell growth, they have been able to identify likely risk factors, many of which are preventable. If you’re concerned about your own risk of developing breast cancer, you can mitigate that risk by knowing these likely factors:

  • Genetics: Your risk for breast cancer may be higher if a close relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes have been linked with developing both breast cancer and ovarian cancer.
  • Age: While women of all ages can develop breast cancer, the risk increases with age. A 20-year-old woman’s chance of developing breast cancer within the next decade is 0.6 percent, while a woman who is 70 years old has a 3.84 percent chance.
  • Body weight: Those who are overweight, especially after menopause, may run a higher risk of developing breast cancer. This is possibly due to higher levels of estrogen in the body, which has been linked to the development of breast cancer. It could also be because of high sugar intake.
  • High alcohol consumption: According to some studies, women who consume more than three drinks per day have a risk of developing breast cancer that is 1.5 times higher than those who don’t drink as much alcohol.

While these risk factors have been linked to breast cancer diagnoses, no single factor has been guaranteed to result in breast cancer.

Preventing breast cancer: what steps you can take to avoid a diagnosis

No matter how much you may crave the ability to change your genetics or age, those risk factors are, unfortunately, set in stone. However, you can do your best to manage other risks, like alcohol and food consumption, to lower your chances of developing breast cancer.

Many women associate an increase in stress with an increased risk of breast cancer, as stories of women finding lumps in their breasts after going through a divorce or a losing a loved one are startlingly common. Researchers have investigated this possibility as well. A Scandinavian study found that among women who perceived their lives to be more stressful, there was an increased risk for breast cancer.

It’s important to remember that these scientists have not found a definite cause and effect between the negative emotions and bodily reactions that come with stress and breast cancer diagnoses. While chronic stress has been thought to weaken your immune system, this type of bodily reaction rarely happens in isolation. When stressed, people tend to eat, drink, and smoke more, all of which could factor heavily into an increased risk for cancer.

One of the best ways to minimize your chances of developing breast cancer, especially if you feel you are predisposed because of genetics, age, or stress, is to stick to a strategic breast cancer diet plan. Research has shown that changing what you eat and how you exercise can prevent as much as 30 percent of breast cancer diagnoses. If you’re looking to eat the best foods possible to lower your risk, consider working these nutritional wonders into your daily meals:

  • Fibrous foods: Studies in nutritional science have shown that foods high in fiber can help lower the amounts of estrogen in your body, reducing your risk of breast cancer. These fibrous fighters include nuts, beans, and whole wheat bread.
  • Sources of omega-3: Omega-3s are essential fatty acids that are not produced in your body naturally, so you must put in the work to get them in there. Fatty acids are important because they help with inflammation, which can damage otherwise healthy tissue. Try turning to salmon, walnuts, and oysters for your fatty acid intake.
  • Sulforaphane and carotenoids: These nutritional compounds have both been found to reduce the risk of breast cancer when consumed in increased amounts. Sulforaphane can be found in arugula, cabbage, and broccoli, while carotenoids are found in carrots, tomatoes, and sweet potatoes.

A breast cancer diagnosis: what next?

Sometimes, even when you take all the right preventative measures, those cancer cells decide to multiply anyway, and then it’s time for you to fight it. The first step is to see a surgical oncologist, who is a surgeon with a specialty in removing cancer. Your oncologist will be able to give you your breast cancer prognosis. Often, your physician will recommend a surgeon, and they are a great place for you to start. Many women may seek a second opinion as well to understand all their options.

While you want to take the time to consider all your treatment options, you will also want to act fast to remove the cancer as soon as possible. Be sure to have a reliable support network of family and friends during this time. They will be essential in helping you make decisions and necessary shoulders to lean on during this time. There are also vast networks of breast cancer patients and survivors throughout the country. Connecting with patients in the same circumstances as yourself can be extremely helpful throughout the process.

Your breast cancer prognosis may look slightly different than others, but no matter who you are, if you are diagnosed, one of the best things to do is keep your spirits up. With today’s medical options, the average five-year survival rate is 90 percent and the average 10-year rate is 83 percent. Millions of women and men live long and healthy lives after receiving a breast cancer diagnosis and it often begins with choosing the right mindset.

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of change and reinvention. Women facing a major life challenge, transition or calling are invited to schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS to discuss your next smartest moves. “Life — your life — is calling you.”

 

You Are Not Alone: Women Reach to Kavanaugh

You are Not Alone: Women React to Kavanaugh Confirmation

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Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony in Justice Kavanaugh’s nomination proceedings, the #MeToo movement, and the appointment of Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court will and have had a lasting impact on our everyday lives. Whether you’re a political person or not, conservative or progressive, single, married, or divorced, women are feeling the Kavanaugh effects. But today, this post is here to remind you that if you are hurt, if you feel silenced, if you feel powerless, you are not alone—other women are not only feeling the same way as you but are here to support you.

Women across the political spectrum have reached out to SAS for Women to share their reactions to the Kavanaugh nomination hearing and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony. You may see yourself in some of their experiences and emotions. Even when things look darkest, we have other women whom we can create a community of care and support with.

The women below wished to be kept anonymous, so all names used are fictitious.

Mariana P.

Twenty-three years ago, Mariana P. was in college when she was sexually assaulted. She didn’t report it. “Right now, my brain is consumed with the fact that I’m thinking about divorce, have a lot of work-related stress, and parenting a special needs child,” she said. For her, living now in Madison, Wisconsin, “the Kavanaugh nomination [now confirmation] and testimony has opened up old wounds.”

Thursday after work, I found myself buried under the covers of my bed and just cried for a couple of hours . . . I felt completely alone.

It’s amazing how quickly 23 years can disappear, leaving one feeling like a scared college girl again, trying to make sense of something terrible that’s happened to you. Mariana’s husband, soon to be Ex, knows of her past and her story but couldn’t be there for her.

Divorce is hard for so many reasons—not just because of the problems driving us to end our marriage but sometimes because we feel like we’re losing one of our closest friends and confidants. Even if those beliefs are fantasies (and he was never there) or actually based on another time when your marriage was stronger, the revelation hurts. Other times, political or social issues underscore the rifts and disappointments we are feeling in our intimate world. Survivors like Mariana are finding themselves triggered by Christine’s testimony and the appointment of Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by those emotions, find community, a guided support group, a friend or family member, or a professional.

Lorraine T.

Lorraine T. has been married for 10 years, with the last five years of her marriage described as rough. She loves her three beautiful children and is in school working toward a degree, but she also feels trapped. Her husband gaslights her. She feels like she can do better on her own without his lies and manipulative behavior. She feels so consumed by her own life and sense of loss that she hasn’t even been able to turn on the TV and listen to the news about Kavanaugh.

And that’s totally fine. When our own lives get overwhelming, sometimes it’s too much to look beyond our immediate problems at the bigger social picture. What’s most important is getting yourself and your situation sorted so that you feel like you are in a safe space. Piling social problems on top of personal problems only adds to feelings of being overwhelmed and isn’t healthy for anyone.

If you are in an abusive marriage and want to figure a way out, you will want to read: “Leaving an Abusive Marriage? There are Steps You Need to Take First”

Frieda N.

Representing another point of view is Frieda in Utica, New York.  A registered nurse, who is divorced after 28 years of marriage and the mother to two young adults. Frieda says, “Frankly I am starting to feel sorry for the men. No one can give a woman a compliment for fear of losing their job. Women can accuse men of things with NO PROOF whatsoever. No one deserves to be raped but when a woman uses her feminine wiles to appeal to a man’s baser instinct to get a job or promotion (and yes this DOES occur), they should own up to the fact that they ‘played the game’ and expected something in return. Pretty soon, we won’t be able to speak to the opposite sex. I am disgusted with Dr. Ford. This guy had some fairly big jobs before, and it took 40 years for the ‘trauma’ to emerge?”

Frieda, thank you for taking the time to share your view. Your perspective and conflation of Dr. Ford with other experiences you’ve observed points to the complexity and emotional volatility related to these issues.

Heeyeon S.

You are not alone women respond to Kavanaugh

Credit: Weheartit

Living in New York City, Heeyeon S. is angry. “[I’m] very angry with the Brett Kavanaugh nomination, appointment, and the way Christine Blasey Ford has been treated by the Republicans and other Americans throughout this process.” She sees this as “a manifestation of how men in power can force their will on all of us. What’s happening is a metaphor for sexual assault itself. The more we say ‘No, stop, this isn’t right,’ the more they insist, force, and bully us.”

Anger is a valid reaction to what is happening and to what is going on in American politics right now. Heeyeon elaborates, saying “I don’t know what to do with this anger. Suppressing it is not an option. I have enough suppressed anger to last me various lifetimes! I would like to use this anger in a constructive way to make a change, but that’s easier said than done.”

Heeyeon is also adjusting to life as a recently single woman after 35 years of marriage and is trying to “reevaluate and reconcile my past” with “how to go on in a productive way, with me at the center, for the first time ever.” Trying to find the center and balance in a newly single life is already rough, but add to that the anger and resentment many women across the nation are feeling about Kavanaugh and life gets a little bit harder. In times like this, it’s good to remember not just your own past but also the fact that other women out there feel the same way you do.

If you feel like Heeyeon too—angry with the strong need to do something—keep reading below.

Matilda F.

Married for 28 years, divorced now for three, Matilda is an art teacher doing her own work and “loving life and my freedom.”  However, when it comes to the Kavanaugh confirmation, she’s so angry she wants to put her emotion to work. “I WANT TO GET INVOLVED in something related to our politics because I am outraged and tearful. Would love to hear what others are doing!”

As we say, keep reading.

Women react to Kavanaugh Confirmation

Credit: Unsplash

Katrina V.S.

As if in answer to Matilda’s and Heeyeon’s rage, Katrina, widowed and living in Brooklyn shared this link with the SAS community on how Democrats can regain the House in November by getting out the vote in key swingable districts.  “If you or anyone you know wants to channel their outrage into useful action, this organization—Swing Left—is a good place to start,” says Katrina.

Volunteer in the midterms

Celine D.

“Neither the Kavanaugh/Ford situation or the #MeToo movement play any role in the downfall of my marriage,” says Celine D. Celine has been married for ten years and is a teacher and a mother to two in Austin, Texas. “My husband decided he no longer wanted to be a husband. He was unhappy and wasn’t going to change, he told me. He refused marriage counseling, individual counseling, and anything else that represented him not quitting the marriage. He said he didn’t want to answer to anyone and wanted to do as he pleased (staying out all night drinking). Picking up the pieces of a broken family and learning a new normal as a single mom is what I am facing.  My marriage had its issues well before these things made the news.”

We get it, Celine. It’s hard to imagine how headlines can impact our own fight for survival. And yet we know, when the dust settles after “resolving” your relationship, you will want the best options available to you as a newly independent woman. And we hope your health insurance and your ability to exercise choice when it comes to freedoms for your body and your daughter’s is not mitigated as a result of these political times.

Eliza C.

“It’s as if we continue to hit these watershed moments, points of no return, when the rifts in our country our ripped open so seismically that the gap seems impossible to mend,” says Eliza C., an educator who is divorced and living in Minnesota. “Each time, we think it’s a new reckoning, a new all-time low—or for some, a long-awaited vindication, a new dawn. What’s clear is this gaping wound is not being tended to but fed. The leaders who might be trying to help us learn what healing looks like (the Martin Luther Kings, the activist peacemakers) are not given airtime. Their message doesn’t sell. Mutual hate is amped.

It reminds me of a marriage spiraling out of control, where both spouses believe they are the one who is right. They are unable to communicate or hear each other. Vilification of the other is easy. Hitting pause to listen and really hear what is going on is the work we must do.

Believe me, I have to check myself for I too am growing intolerant of this dated white male privilege we see personified by Kavanaugh’s confirmation. But is my participation in ‘the hating’ moving us along the evolutionary path? I don’t think so. Trying to forge through conflict with an eye toward healing is the hardest thing of all. My divorce taught me that.”

Susan M.

Separated and the mother to one young adult son in Manhattan, Susan, like other women who wrote us, feels the urgency to channel her rage into action. “There’s Postcards to Voters which anyone can do from home, as many or as few as you have time or energy for. I’ve been writing these with friends. We get together for tea … and other drinks, and instead of just kvetching, we are doing something! Well, we kvetch, too. But it sure feels good to vent and take action.”

Volunteer with Postcards to Voters

Helena W.

You are Not Alone. Women react to Kavanaugh

Credit: Unsplash

Helena W., still married, shares that “watching the Kavanaugh hearings and knowing of his appointment has been an overwhelming experience for me as a woman. I remembered so many times during my life when I felt cornered or uncomfortable around men and frighteningly aware of my own physical vulnerability.” But there is hope out there, and Helena has tapped into it. “Since the Kavanaugh hearings,” she writes, “I have been in touch with a wide range of friends from ages 27 to 85—all of whom have stories about work-related sexual harassment.”

The Senate confirming this man feels like a blow. The message is clear—the men with the greatest power in the country do not care about women. They do not believe our stories and they do not feel women should have control of their own bodies.

But Helena, living in Upstate New York, does find a silver lining despite Kavanaugh’s confirmation. While the stories are sad and the situations are dire, she is working on building herself a network of support and care through reaching out to her friends and sharing stories. “I heard the wonderful, clear and expressive voices of the ‘elevator women’ who confronted Senator Jeff Flake. I heard their pain, and I saw his expression when he was forced to face a concept that had dissolved and took human form.”

‘Don’t look away from me,’ one of the women cried. That battle cry alone gives me hope for the future.

Brenda S.

Brenda, divorced and living in Columbus, Ohio, is rebuilding her life after 42 years of marriage. The pain, the loss, and the learning that presents itself after such a momentous break up has Brenda considering things in a different way. We like so much what Brenda says (born from her firsthand experience) that it inspires us to end this post with her words:

“It’s fall: election season. I’m watching what everyone else sees: polarization and a reduction in civil discourse. But I thought of something today. Just as in a “carbon footprint,” what if we had a “civility footprint”? Except this one you want to grow larger, not smaller.

I know from experience that all meaningful change happens at the personal level.  Therefore, what if you leaned into discomfort and listened, actually listened to those around you who have ideas widely divergent from yours? What if you gave them respect, instead of dismissing, or worse yet, yelling at them or shutting them off? What if, when they are sharing the ideas most different from yours, you allowed yourself to be even more uncomfortable and said “TELL ME MORE….”

Here’s the thing: ‘PEOPLE ARE HARD TO HATE CLOSE UP:  MOVE IN!!!’

Those are not my words about moving in, but Brene Brown’s. ‘The point.’ says Brown, “is that we are all vulnerable to the slow and insidious practice of dehumanizing, therefore we are all responsible for recognizing and stopping it.’

We cannot ask politicians to reach across the aisle unless we ourselves are doing it. TAKE THE CHALLENGE!”

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While these women have had a vast range of reactions and experiences throughout Dr. Ford’s testimony and the Kavanaugh confirmation to the Supreme Court, all have felt the need to share their stories to help other women experiencing similar emotions feel less alone. Among these sisters, too, are those who build upon the momentum of sharing and offer us resources or a challenge to inspire us to be more and do more. If any of these stories connect with you or if you simply feel like sharing your thoughts or a resource you know, we would love to hear from you. We invite you to comment below.

 

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of Divorce. “A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women