Divorce Support Groups for Women: Your Must-Haves

For many of us, divorce is shattering. Even if we are the ones who initiated it, or are now trying to rebuild our lives after the explosion. We all experience it—varying degrees of loss and shock, living through a life that is coming undone.

If you never wanted the divorce, you never saw it coming; the grief accompanying the word can seem too heavy to lift. Maybe you’re stuck staring in the rearview mirror, asking yourself…

What did you do to cause this?
Which moment was the point of No Return for him?
Can’t you just go back and fix it?

Whichever way you come to it, if you’re dealing with divorce, you have questions. We know we did – at every stage of the journey. And while it can feel like the most terrifying and lonely experience you could ever go through, we urge you to reframe your perspective and remind yourself that you have choices. You can do this solo, trying to learn things on your own, poring through divorce generalities provided by Google. Or you can piggyback on the experience (and lessons learned) of others, opening yourself to the reciprocal energy of feedback, support, and accountability.

We are talking about the power of a healthy divorce support group for women.

Let’s explore the value of a divorce support group and how it can help some women dealing with the crisis,  and what to look for when choosing the best one for you.

Divorce Support for Women: Identifying the Need

Some of us have good friends we can talk to. Others have no one they can talk to if they are thinking about or dealing with divorce. If you are in the former camp, thank your lucky stars for friends who care and want the best for you, but also know, that there is a limit to what those friends can help you with … if they’ve never been divorced.

Let’s up the ante: There’s a limit to what they can help you with if they’ve not been through divorce … and healed.

Because at the end of the day, if you have to go through this gauntlet, that’s what we all want.

We don’t want to just survive. We need to know that when we get through this crisis, one day, we will smile again.

Allow us to repeat: Your good friends can get you so far, and then you must remember:

1. They are probably not trained to care for you and your particular issues.
2. Some may transfer their own life choices, judgments, and attitudes about divorce onto you (and that’s their life, not yours).
3. They may grow tired of your story for whatever reason and quietly retreat from your life.
4. They could be overcome by your story. There’s something called Vicarious Stress Disorder.  And that’s the last thing you want to cause.

We’re not suggesting you swallow all your thoughts and feelings. You are human if your emotions are begging for a place to vent, to share what’s going on. It’s smart to want to talk out your choices and discuss what actions you could take. If this is you, you identify with this yearning for safety and guidance, then you deserve a place to feel normalized and not crazy. You would do well to consider a divorce support group.

But not just any group, as we will discuss.

What’s the Value of a Divorce Support Group?

The right support group can be the best place to find compassion and companionship from people who know firsthand what you are going through. There’s a normalizing effect: We’re all in this together.  You benefit from hearing others’ stories or tough lessons, and the perspective they have on what you are going through. There can also be a positive, almost contagious energy that develops, with group members making their individual progress, inspiring you to keep up, to face the hard stuff, too. It’s powerful to be with a comrade in the trenches.

Naturally, at SAS for Women, we are advocates of female-led support. We believe that the divorce experience is different for a woman than it is for a man. Just looking at things economically, several studies have now shown that the financial impact of divorce almost always falls heaviest on the woman.  At the same time, the man experiences greater financial success after the fallout. It makes sense, therefore, that we women need to discuss what’s best for us and our future, specifically when we face different realities than a man.

This is also to say that we believe men need their own divorce support group. So that we all learn how to do divorce as healthily as possible, given the many expectations we face, the many roles and identities we must play, and the parents we want to be. (Thank you for indulging us, we know we’re preaching to the choir.)

Returning our attention to women, we know that a good divorce support group can provide the right woman in crisis with the following benefits:

• Not feeling alone in navigating divorce and its challenges
• New ways to cope with and reduce stress and fatigue
• A safe place to vent and learn new ways to cope and reduce stress and fatigue
• New perspective on her situations and where to put her energy (and where to let things go)
• A place to learn about free and valuable divorce resources
• How to be a better parent and co-parent
• Learning about/dealing with child support or alimony issues
• Learning how to communicate better with Ex, children, and others
• Learning how to grieve the changes and loss
• Learning healthier, romantic behaviors for the future
• Gain a sense of power, control, and hope

But beyond this list, a worthwhile divorce support group will have a critical element that separates it from the merely average.

Your Divorce Support Group Must-Have

Plain and simple, a good divorce support group is facilitated by an expert, a trained professional who protects the space and keeps the conversation moving in the right direction, that is, upward. You probably know this, but it bears repeating: the last thing you want is to be sitting in a circle with others who are in crisis, and all of you are howling at the moon. No, you want the conversation to be intentional and directed. You want to be supported and give support, and you want the conversation to take you somewhere.

You’ll know if the conversation took you somewhere for the better if, when you step out of that meeting, you feel like you learned something. You feel lighter like you were seen, heard, and inspired to carry on.

Two Warnings About a Divorce Support Group

It’s worth reminding you that:

1. The other members are not therapists and have limited expertise
2. Everyone’s situation is different

These are still more reasons for a good facilitator to make sure no one member dominates or disrespects the agreements and boundaries of the group. A trained facilitator (or even better, a trained facilitator, divorce coach certified in divorce coaching) will maintain safety and steer the conversation to constructive engagement, and importantly, provide feedback and professional advice.

Having a safe place to vent but also to learn what to do after venting is a critical element of a good divorce support group conversation.

What If a Divorce Support Group Turns You Off?

There’s no need to join a group if you don’t like that kind of forum, or you don’t have the space and time for one. Not all things are for everybody. But do find the person who is supporting you through your divorce questions and issues. (See below for ideas.)

Kinds of Divorce Support Groups

Whether you chose divorce, or it was your partner’s decision, a group can help you understand where you are and what your next healthiest steps might be. So, as you consider a group, you’ll want to begin by thinking about the kind of issues you have today and your biggest concerns. You’ll want to look for a group that addresses your needs and where you are on the road.

Keep in mind that no group will be everything to you. This is why you’d benefit perhaps from working one-on-one — with a therapist who specializes in divorce, a divorce coach, a divorce doula, or participating solo (or with your spouse) in some kind of divorce counseling. And certainly, in terms of protecting your interests legally and financially, nothing takes the place of getting educated by a divorce lawyer in your state and county. If you don’t know how to begin, check out our article on how to find a good divorce lawyer.

When you start realizing that you’d like a community, something none of those things above can give you,  you could consider what kind of group format calls you:

1. Live, in-person local meetings
2. Online or virtual, live meetings
3. Chat rooms (virtual) 
4. Weekend or retreat workshops spanning several to many days (in-person for a limited time)

The best place to find a good divorce support group for women is by word of mouth, if you are lucky, or online. However, you could also check with your religious community, mothers’ groups, college, or professional communities.  We have clients who tell us they discovered SAS through their company’s employee handbook.

Divorce Support Groups Online

Exploring online is one of the easiest ways to learn about your choices.  Start by Googling “divorce support groups near me” or “divorce support groups for women”.  If you live in a big town or city, you could also investigate Meet Up, which is like a community bulletin board for your area, listing in-person and online groups of every sort of activity/interest imaginable.

Current to the time of writing this blog post, there is no fully comprehensive, national directory of divorce groups. Some online articles reference various divorce groups, but many other groups must be discovered.

Divorce Support Group: The Right One for You

You’ll see that various organizations, professionals, and divorce survivors run divorce support groups. Some groups are religious, like Divorcecare. Others are non-sectarian. Some are more socially oriented, promoting camaraderie and friendship. Others may focus on the financial or emotional experience of divorce, how to co-parent, or how to date and begin again as a newly single person.

When you are evaluating groups, we suggest starting with the basics.  Look for divorce support groups that are …

• Women-centered
• Run by a certified facilitator, divorce coach, or leader
• Meeting at regular times that work for you
• A comfortable size that is, neither too big nor too small
• Permit you to speak with the facilitator in advance
• Committed to confidentiality 
• Willing to offer you a refund
• Willing to let you try out a meeting

It’s always a good idea to chat with the facilitator before you join, to learn if you are going to fit in and have your needs met.

Is there a way to review the topics that will be discussed?  This is a great way to vet the quality of the group by the themes they are electing to take on. Do they make sense to you? Knowing the topic ahead of time also means you can decide to attend depending on whether the subject interests you or not.

Outside of the formal group meetings, is it possible to connect with the other participants directly to do things together or meet for a cup of coffee? Will you have common ground with the others?

Ask if you can attend a meeting before committing (a big ask due to confidentiality issues) or if they can recommend you talk to someone who did their program.

---

Read “4 Questions to Consider When Joining an Online Divorce Support Group?”

---

Two Important Points About Divorce Support Groups and You

1. If you are dealing with an unwanted divorce, make sure your experience is well-represented in the divorce support group you attend. Otherwise, it can hurt to hear how others are planning (or planning for) their divorce when you are on the receiving end of that experience. You need to be with women who identify with your experience to feel understood and supported.
2. You’ll want to be in a group that matches where you are in the divorce process. If you are only contemplating divorce, you don’t want to be with a divorce recovery support group.  You and they are on completely different planets.

Read more about the “right” group below.

Divorce Support Groups for Women Thinking About Divorce

If you are thinking about divorce, a divorce support group may sound premature or even unnecessary. After all, you’ve not yet decided to divorce or stay married.

But did you know that getting educated about your legal rights (like do Stay-at-Home-Moms Get Alimony?) and learning how you might divorce strategically and healthily actually helps you with your decision to divorce — or not?

If you are looking to understand your real choices before you make any big decisions, learn about Annie’s Group, our live, online divorce support group and educational program. Annie’s Group is named after the first woman to get divorced in North America in 1643, Anne Clarke.

Annie’s Group is specific. We are talking to women thinking about or facing divorce.

Support Groups for Women Going Through Divorce

Women in the middle of a divorce are dealing with the reality of negotiating a life built for two that must now be split in half. This is a very different experience from women who are “thinking” about divorce. Here, the divorce is happening, and there are definite and defined things that need attention, like who should keep the house?  Is there a divorce checklist on things to do and when? What is the best custody arrangement? Is it smart to nest? How do you keep your IRA if everything is split?

If you are seeking support for the fire that is happening now, learn about Frida’s Group, and her leader, high-conflict divorce coach, and co-parenting expert, Dori Braddell. Frida’s Group, an online divorce group, is dedicated to women in the middle of a divorce or legal separation.

Support Groups for Women Recovering from Divorce

But what happens after divorce? Even if the dust has settled, you may be wondering how long does it take to get over a divorce? Or, will the pain of divorce ever go away? 

We’ve got news.

While it’s likely you will still be in flux, ebbing and flowing emotionally for a time, post-divorce, the rest of the world, this means good old, conventional society thinks you must be “complete” because you’ve signed a legal document You’ll know this, because people start saying things, like “Are you going to get back up on that horse?” “Are you dating yet?” “Will you marry again?” 

So if there’s ever a time you need a support group, it’s when you are reinventing after divorce. Because you are out of the box, most of the world doesn’t understand you, and you’ve got to learn to live with it, and more importantly, reconnect with you. (Spoiler alert:  That’s the partnership you want to focus on.)  By the time you reach this stage of your divorce journey, you’ve realized you’ve got to heal from your story before you ever partner up again. And for most people, it’s a mystery how to heal or what to heal exactly from.

There’s an interior world in you that needs healing, and an exterior world that needs your attention.

How powerful to find the right divorce recovery group where you can explore what is happening to you, inside you, and where this confusing emotion, grief, plays a major role? At the same time, you’ll want support for rebuilding yourself on the outside — economically, practically, and socially. There’s a whole you that wants to be put back together, and it’s the greatest opportunity before you: to put it back together intentionally.

Read about Paloma’s Group to learn what we are talking about.

Costs & Fees of a Divorce Support Group

Many groups are free, some charge a nominal fee each month, while other groups are robust educational programs with classes, support group meetings, and private consultations that charge a tuition. You will want to compare different approaches of the many divorce support groups that exist today and consider what you value, what it will give you, and how much it will cost. For many women we know, the investment they make in themselves, finding community, structure, and guidance in the right platform, makes all the difference in their lives and in assuming control of their futures.

Google online to find costs, and fees, or schedule an information chat with the group’s facilitator. As well, check out this article that discusses free divorce resources for women.

Conclusion

There’s no easy way to end a marriage. It’s painful and traumatic, and the path beyond is rarely clear. But there are ways to cope, to help you and the kids feel less anxious, and to commit to moving through the process with smarts and integrity. As divorced women, educators, and coaches, we know that one of the most powerful keys to helping you survive and build your best, most exciting future is to connect with other women through a good divorce support group. That is, to surround yourself with others who understand the challenge that is divorce, and the opportunity it is to build a more conscious future for ourselves.

Be discerning, but find a divorce support group near you. You deserve it.

NOTES

Whether you are wondering what your life choices are, or thinking about divorce, or coping with it, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others. Choose not to go it alone.

Learn your choices ~ Book a Free Consultation with SAS for Women

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”