How Does My Divorce Make You Feel?

I can still remember the exact moment I even dared to Google the horrific word “divorce.” My chest was tight, I felt a lump in my throat, and my cheeks immediately flushed. I never thought in a million years that I would be in that place, googling what I felt was the most forbidden word of all – “divorce.” Simply knowing that my marriage had reached that disturbing level made me feel like I had failed at life, even though I was unable to control all of the contributing factors that led to the demise of my marriage. It honestly took me a long time to even utter that simple word to anyone. Even long after my divorce was finalized. 

I quickly realized that divorce isn’t just something you go through, but everyone around you does as well, and they definitely had their own opinions about mine. I never stopped to ask, “How does my divorce make you feel?” but I certainly experienced others’ thoughts, opinions, and feelings.

This isn’t about blame, but I would like to discuss the unseen emotional, social, religious, and relational ripple effects that divorce creates for those close to us.

How Does My Divorce Make You Feel?

If we’re being transparent, divorce disrupts the emotional ecosystem of relationships on many levels. Strangely, it can feel like you are holding up a mirror for others and forcing them to look at their own marriage and the decisions they made, even though they might not want to see their reflection. You might notice that friends suddenly become more distant and are less likely to have long phone chats with you, or meet you for a cup of coffee, like they did before. Family members might grow increasingly uncomfortable around you because they simply don’t know what to say. Other friends may suddenly become your new “Dr. Phil” that you never requested, but suddenly, Dr. Phil lives in your favorite living room chair and wants to dig into the story and film an eight-hour show on a daily basis.

Your divorce suddenly becomes the thing that your friends and family have to grieve and find their own way of emotionally laying it to rest.

Just remember, those around you are trying to make sense of your divorce and gain closure as well. If their reactions are less than comforting, it may say more about their fears than your choices. 

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Consider reading, “The Stages of Grief in Divorce – And How Long They Last”.

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What Is Your Judgment About Divorce and Hearing How I Am Facing It?

Let’s be real. The truth is, we face judgment as divorced women, whether spoken or unspoken. The religious crowd whispers behind your back as you sit in church, hoping to find redemption at this crossroads in your marriage, the one you thought would last forever. The generational or cultural judgment about divorce from your parents, grandparents, and kin, who managed to stand by each other through thick and thin, no matter what. The unfortunate truth is, sometimes your partner makes the decision, and you no longer have a say in your own marriage.

The Pressure and Expectations Women Carry

The reality is that things happen behind closed doors that those beautifully painted walls will never tell, and only you know the miles you’ve walked to try and save your marriage.

People will always have opinions of what they may have done or not done, or what you should do, but they have never walked in your shoes. Society places a weight of expectations on women to endure, to sacrifice, and to stay silent, no matter the cost. So, is that what you’re supposed to do? Even if that means sacrificing your own health? The well-being of your children and your family? Your own soul? What if your partner won’t go to counseling with you? What if they won’t stop the destructive behavior that is destroying your home? Are you responsible for their actions? I don’t think so. We are all responsible for our own actions, and sometimes they lead us to places we never thought we’d find ourselves.

Divorce doesn’t equal failure, and it doesn’t disqualify you from living the beautiful life you’ve been given. Divorce doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact, it often means you need to be stronger than you ever thought you could be. Divorce doesn’t mean that you deliberately tried to go against God’s marriage order – it means that life unfolded for you unexpectedly. I don’t know anyone who gets married hoping and praying that it will all fall apart, right? 

As a Woman, What Do You Feel Hearing About My Divorce?

When my friend Emily heard that I had gotten divorced, her first reaction was, “Wow! I never saw that coming. I wonder if my marriage could end up the same way?” She was having problems with her partner at the time and feared that he was going to leave her. The reality of my divorce forced her to confront her own marital problems in a serious way, and it gave her permission to be vulnerable with me about her own concerns.

I had other friends who distanced themselves after my divorce, because they wanted to protect their own worldview and felt that by still being my friend, they were condoning divorce. The fact is, to a certain extent, you will have to come to terms with how to face feeling alone after divorce. Your friends and family will all metabolize your divorce in unique ways, but the important thing to remember is to protect your own peace and joy. Divorce, and even divorce recovery, is an emotional rollercoaster for you and everyone around you, so be prepared to ride the highs and the lows. Believe it or not, you will still get to your final destination.

The Quiet Way Divorce Normalizes What Was Once Unspeakable

Your divorce might have “broken the ice” for the loved ones around you. Your divorce can give others the unspoken license to evaluate their own marriages. When we are open and vulnerable about our divorce, it becomes less taboo and allows others to reflect and see where they could be doing better in their own marriage. Normalizing this type of honesty does not mean that you are encouraging divorce. It simply means that you might be opening doors that others haven’t looked through, or been too afraid to explore, and that can ultimately be a good thing. Maybe they will get help before their marriage falls apart.

Holding Judgment and Support at the Same Time

Looking back, I realize that some people surprised me with their comfort and grace. Others surprised me with their silence and criticism. As Forrest Gump said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” I’m grateful I received both. I learned who my true friends are, and I learned that complete strangers can be your biggest source of comfort during the most difficult time of your life.

Be kind to yourself. You may lose people along the way who, for whatever reasons choose not to understand.  But the space they leave you can open up a new and expansive place for you to call in the people who are right for you; people who are compassionate and who understand.  One of my biggest discoveries was connecting with the power of other divorced women who knew exactly what I’d been through. I didn’t have to defend myself or my marriage story.  These women were willing to take my hand as we stepped into our next chapter, seeking to live our most authentic lives. Support and, in particular, divorce support, doesn’t always come from where you expect it; it often shows up in the most unusual places with other women who are finding their way along the same path.

Conclusion

So, how does my divorce make you feel? 

I hope it makes you reflect and become more aware of your own marriage and your choices. Maybe it even makes you a little uncomfortable, so you don’t always take the easy way out and instead choose the harder path when needed. More than anything, I hope it revitalizes your faith, reminding you that even in difficult moments, you can rise and create a meaningful life after divorce.

Was my divorce difficult? Absolutely. But I believe everything happens for a reason, and that it is possible to use your pain for a purpose. Did it break me? Yes, but you can put those scattered pieces back together again into a beautiful mosaic.

Divorce made me the woman I am today, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. Divorce is a word that has now been ingrained in the fabric of my life for a greater purpose. So, when you consider how my divorce makes you feel, I hope it brings you hope, even if you are thinking about divorce or in the midst of it. You can rise from the ashes and live an extraordinary life that is beyond your wildest imagination. I am a walking, breathing testimony.

NOTES

This article was written by Lori Ann Feeley, who loves helping others find hope in the darkest corners of life. She is a freelance writer, adoption advocate, Certified Life Coach, and Founder & CEO of Faith Revolution Creative. Connect with Lori Ann at loriann@faithrevolutioncreative.com.

 

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