How to Manage Your Emotional Divorce Spending During and After Divorce

As a divorced woman, I certainly don’t have any regrets in the decision to end my marriage, but perhaps just maybe one or two regarding the way I spent my money. If we’re not careful, mistakes during and after a divorce can affect our lives for years to come. 

Common financial mistakes people make at different stages of divorce were recently covered by The Wall Street Journal, in which they interviewed SAS for Women founder, Liza Caldwell. The article briefly touched on five areas. This is the first of five articles that will examine each financial mistake in a little more depth. The first mistake is divorcées who spend too much.

What Do We Mean By “Emotional Divorce Spending”?

Okay, so your divorce is now done and dusted. Or is going to be. As someone who has been through two divorces, let me just start by saying that it’s tough! You’d think that by my second divorce, I’d have gotten used to it, but no, the second one was much more traumatic because now there were children to take care of. Personally, I felt like I’d been to hell and back. When I did get some precious time to sit down and process things, I remember thinking that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to spoil myself once in a while.

Why We Tend to Overspend After Divorce

Although I never went on any wild shopping sprees, I do remember treating myself to one particularly expensive item. A piece of jewelry that I’d always had my eye on. Yes, it did make me feel a little better when I told myself I was buying it for me; it was a gift from me to me.  “I can buy myself flowers,” so to speak (to reference Miley). But looking back on my own personal experience, I might have stuck with tulips. Because too much financial self-indulgence is never a good idea, and that sizeable bijoux put an unnecessary strain on my cash flow.

On the other hand, it could be that the divorce settlement worked in your favor, or you think it will. You are walking away, or you think you’ll walk away with a decent chunk of money or assets. You’re sitting pretty for the time being. The temptation to throw caution to the wind and spend like there’s no tomorrow can be wildly tempting. 

Some women have said their motivation was triggered by anger or an urge to somehow get even with their Ex. Maybe they learned their spouse was having an affair and spending plenty of money on the GF. Or others are breaking free from a toxic marriage, and are experiencing the rush it is to make decisions on their own, not consulting him or his controlling ways.  Whatever the case, it’s all driven by heightened emotions, a sure sign that you are dealing with or recovering from divorce, and you’ve not yet reached terra firma.

Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Away with You

I’m sure most of us can identify with the feeling of well-being you get while indulging in a bit of retail therapy. But there’s a danger that one thing can inevitably lead to another, and it becomes your go-to source of comfort. Of course, it’s always easier to say these things with a level head.

I once learned about a woman who married young before she had any real experience managing money. She openly admitted that she and her husband argued mostly about money. They clashed over everything—from who made the final decisions while shopping, to what she could wear, to who handled the bills. Shortly after their divorce, she started spending. Oh sure, it started simple enough with small purchases, but things soon got dangerously out of hand, and it grew into a regular practice. Before long, she found herself in trouble financially, swamped with bank overdraft fees and credit card statements. She sought help and is now handling her money more responsibly, but admitted that she is still not out of the woods financially speaking.

All of which raises our next question.

What’s the Worst That Can Happen with Too Much Emotional Divorce Spending?

You might be thinking to yourself, what’s the harm with a mad shopping spree here and there, but there are countless examples of women who have splashed the cash on bigger things. We’re talking luxury holidays, an expensive new car, when there’s a perfectly good one in the garage, or maybe living beyond their means by taking out a mortgage or rent that they can’t afford.

More seriously, a divorce that creates a spending addiction could be hiding more deep-rooted problems. It’s similar to the way some people turn to drink or drugs as a way to handle traumatic situations.

Ultimately, this kind of behavior will leave less money in the pot for you and your future, leading to yet more angst further down the line. And, if it’s something that happens before the divorce is finalized, the shopaholic may end up owing their spouse half of what they spent for the dissipation of the marital estate.

Another reason to be careful with money is that while women eventually come out of a divorce stronger and happier than men, the opposite is true from a financial standpoint. Figures have shown that it’s often women who lose out more than men when it comes to money, with a divorce hitting their pockets harder.

Being carefree with your cash can lead to severe financial consequences that can last for years, and these problems are compounded if you have any dependents. Just think of the added stress of not being able to afford childcare, education, or health insurance.

Pull Yourself Together

This article is meant to serve as a kind reminder, female-to-female divorce advice,  not to patronize. It sounds so obvious, but don’t let your emotions get the better of you, or the relief that comes with a large settlement lull you into a false sense of financial security. A divorce can leave you emotionally wrung out, so resist the temptation of letting your heart rule your head.

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Feel inspired. Build your confidence. Read our unusual  “100 Must Do’s for the Newly Divorced Independent Woman.”

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During particularly stressful times, I often say to myself keep calm and carry on. Yes, I know it was a slogan invented by the U.K. government facing the imminent threat of war, but its basic message still rings true.  Do your best to hold your feelings in check when it comes to money matters or big decisions. Try to find other, more constructive ways of repairing your bruised emotions or zeal to be free. The advice is clear: settle into your new life first before taking out any loans or making life-changing financial decisions.

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If you just aren’t feeling it yet, check out “Life After Divorce: It’s Going to Be Better Than You Imagined.”

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How Can You Get a Grip on Your Emotional Divorce Spending?

One way to manage your spending while going through and recovering from divorce is to regularly check your expenses, and I mean EVERYTHING you spend money on, for the first year following your divorce settlement. It’s one of the best ways to spot any negative trends and rein yourself in if necessary to get yourself back in the black. 

I realize that this might be a challenge for some of us, especially if your Ex handled all the bills. Take control, create a budget that covers the basics, and be sure to stick to the plan until you’re back on your feet emotionally and financially.

What Do the Experts Say about Divorce Spending?

Okay, the divorce is out of the way. What you need is a fresh start. Many women say they can’t bear to stay in the same four walls so full of bad memories, and immediately start looking for a new place to live. Right?

Wrong!

When asked, divorce recovery coach Liza Caldwell at SAS for Women recommends taking your time when buying a place to live, “Allow for an appropriate amount of time to pass until you, your feelings, and your finances have stabilized.”  Liza even suggested in the WSJ article that women rent for the first couple of years.

Writing this article made me think of when I visit my favorite department store. I love to spend an hour, but it’s usually more, collecting a cartful of shoes and clothes. But the weird thing is, the longer I spend in the shop looking around, the more I begin to question my choices.  When I’ve gotten over that first flush of excitement, I very often find myself going back to put some of the items back on the racks. That was just a long-winded way of saying allow for a cooling-off period before making any final decisions, and don’t rush into any impulse buys—large or small.

Think positively, you have a new and exciting future ahead of you, don’t wreck the boat before you’ve even left the harbor. A robust and balanced financial plan will pay dividends—literally!

NOTES

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation with SAS for Women.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”