Menopause and Divorce

When I was diagnosed with menopause several years ago, I felt it was hugely unfair! First, I was seven years younger than my mother was when she started hers. Secondly, I was just emerging from my divorce. The combo of going through menopause and divorce felt like being hit with a tsunami and a snowstorm at the same time. Shocking and bewildering.

Growing up in my family, we didn’t discuss menopause, nor did we discuss it in my social groups. I knew it was the end of the reproductive period. Period. But, watching my mom go through her changes, I began to learn an important thing about menopause. My mother became unusually sensitive, or so it seemed to me. She was quick to take offense, cry, or stop talking. And I could see this had an impact on my parents’ relationship.  If ever my parents seemed like an unaligned, unfriendly pair of confused adults, it was during my mother’s first few years of menopause. When I look back, I am so glad they stayed together.

Menopause and Divorce

I’ve discovered that my personal experience with menopause is very much in synch with what is going on with women globally. Menopause is hitting us earlier in age than with previous generations. And there is still not much awareness or discussion of what menopause entails and how strongly it affects our relationships and behaviors.

I guess I had to hit menopause myself to start listening to what other women were saying: that their decisions about thinking about divorce, or leaving their marriages and divorcing, or finding new partners were often linked, they thought, with their emotional state and hormones.

• One woman told me she blamed menopause for getting confused and wanting to date bad boys — something which she later regretted. 
• Another woman said that she was so sad during her perimenopause that she constantly craved attention and bitterly resented her husband for being “checked out”. 
• The third menopausal acquaintance cherished even inappropriate male interest, like a drunk in a street trying to chat her up, because she felt that with her hormones softening, her attractiveness was vanishing.  She welcomed any attention.

But what’s the truth? Can perimenopause and menopause contribute to our decisions to divorce?

Correlation between Menopause and Divorce: Are They Linked?

Cause of Coincidence?

We’ve heard about a Gray Divorce, or people divorcing at a later age. I attribute this phenomenon to people living longer than ever before in history. This is exacerbated by massive changes in couples’ lives and their not being aligned to meet the new phases together. Kids growing up and not needing as much family support could also be a contributing factor.

Recently, I’ve been reading about the “Menopause Divorce”, which happens when a woman divorces during her menopausal years. In the UK, this may correspond to over 60% of divorces, which are initiated by women aged 40s, 50s, and 60s. These ages might be said to coincide with perimenopause, menopause, or post-menopause, according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS).

While it is debatable whether menopause causes divorce, it is reasonable to assume that the physical, psychological, and cognitive changes in women can lead to depression and anxiety, exacerbating the existing relationship issues.

Menopause and Divorce Rates

In a Stowe Family Law survey, 77% of women said menopause affected their mental health. 65% also reported a negative impact on their relationship. The survey revealed that a loss of physical intimacy was the area of relationships most impacted by menopause. And that 50% of those polled worried that a lack of sex could lead to their relationship ending.

According to another survey conducted by The Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education, 7 out of 10 women (73%) who participated blamed menopause for the breakdown of their marriage. While 67% women claimed that arguments and even domestic abuse increased during their menopausal years.

Of course, menopause comes together with other mid-life issues such as ageing, putting on weight, career slowdown, empty nest situations, and caring for elderly parents. Add medication to any of the above, and the combinations could contribute to lower libido and decreased communication in couples’ relationships. The husband isn’t getting any younger either and may himself experience health issues, sexual performance challenges, increased competition at work, his own medication adjustments, and ageing parents. Sometimes, divorce seems like the only way to end and change it all.

Things to Do If Divorcing During Menopause

Learn More

Menopause is a topic surrounded by stigma. We don’t know the subject or discuss it enough. The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) says that one in three US women confessed to not knowing enough about menopause or HRT (hormone replacement therapy).  So, it’s up to us to get educated and understand more.

Acknowledge the Emotional Effects of Menopause

The truth is that menopause makes us different, more vulnerable, and emotional. To be better understood and to make more balanced decisions during our divorce proceedings, we should mention that we are going through menopause to our trusted female friends, doctors, divorce coach, and, if it feels right, our lawyer.

Even lawyers are starting to recognize the impact of menopause. Some law firms are creating training sessions for their staff to help them look for indicators that a client may be going through menopause, because the thinking is, she may be especially vulnerable.

Pick the Right Expert

At SAS for Women, we advise women not to go through divorce alone and to cultivate the right professionals around them. This includes not only the right legal and financial advisors, but also the right therapist for emotional support, the right divorce coach for holistic and practical support, and the right medical doctors.

We urge women to be careful and not turn to lawyers for emotional comfort. They are not trained for it, and discussing your emotions may add higher costs to the legal bill.

If Menopause is Forever, Is There a Silver Lining?

Yes, there is!

Recently, two doctors told me that neither my metabolism nor hair thickness will ever get back to the way they used to be. The realization that menopause is forever, not just for a few years, dawned on me. I understand that I have to learn to live my post-menopause life and find new routines.

In a culture where we are often pressured to look like we are 28 years old (forever) and have wasp-like waistlines, it can be hard to see our own worth after menopause.

It’s hard to believe that a partner might want us. Not only in our life after divorce, but also during menopause in our older years.

But, as always, this cloud has a silver lining.

If we commit to finding love after divorce (or stumble into it) during menopause, it is reassuring to know that men exist who like and appreciate women their age. Some men understand aging and menopause, and they can be supportive—sometimes even deeply loving. Men, of course, have their own physical issues with aging, so for some, the need for companionship and being together in sickness, not just in health, becomes more important than the emphasis on sex.

Many couples formed after menopausal divorce say less hormone-driven relationships bring better alignment in plans and hobbies. People travel together, exercise together, and create retirement plans for their future. Friends in more mature relationships have boasted to me that they have “definitely less drama”. A male friend in his 50s said he once chased thrills but now values trust and companionship over excitement.

A female friend said she had to learn that instead of touching curls, she might now caress a bald patch.

Conclusion

Most of us would agree that menopause doesn’t help us when we are divorcing. It heightens our emotions and vulnerabilities more than we need. But menopause is a clear symbol of a life transition, and that can be helpful.

---

For more on the subject of divorce and aging, consider reading “The Truth About Starting Over After Divorce at 45.”

---

As we embrace menopause, we can come to terms with the reality that we are no longer the same.

We need to reconnect with ourselves with compassion and adopt a more loving approach to self-acceptance. Once the divorce is behind us and we’ve adjusted to menopause, life can offer better terms and conditions.

NOTES

Anna Ivanova-Galitsina is a PR consultant, recently moved to Dubai, and is carving out her new life and career in the UAE. She has two almost-grown-up boys and is full of optimism in a new relationship after her divorce.  She can be reached at anna.i.galitsina@gmail.com

 

Whether you are wondering what your life choices are, or thinking about divorce, or coping with it, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others.

Get Smart, female-led support > Book a FREE Consult with SAS for Women.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”