Why Wives are Unhappy in Marriage: The 5 Most Popular Reasons

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back, and together now at last, they live happily ever after.

Sound familiar? This male-centered, tried-and-tested formula has been the basis for many a Hollywood movie or romantic comedy. Do you remember watching Sandy and Danny finally get together before flying away in Greased Lightnin’s convertible? This trope is as old as time itself.  We need only consult the Bible’s book of Genesis. When Adam saw Eve for the first time, he uttered the words: “This is at last bone of my bones. And flesh of my flesh.”  This was a match made in heaven, literally!

I hate to break this to you, and I know you already know this, but I wish more people did, that there is NO such thing as the perfect marriage. It belongs in the land of make-believe and silver screen fairy tales. In fact, those Hollywood tales rarely explore what comes after the couple ties the knot.

In this article, SAS looks at the topic: Why wives are unhappy in marriage, and explores the five most popular reasons.

Only the other day, I heard someone say, “I married the wrong man.” Please don’t feel bad if you’re one of them; even Adam and Eve fell out when the apples turned sour. Of course, unhappy marriages are everywhere, and there are plenty of humorous takes on the subject:  See Amazon: “For Sale. Wedding dress, size 12. Worn once by mistake.”

Unrealistic Expectations

When the honeymoon period is over, and you both come back to earth, the reality sometimes hits hard. I remember thinking, I don’t recall signing up for this; he’s not at all what he was cracked up to be. And perhaps, we too, become more aware of our own personal failings. In my case, we were too young and very naïve. I kind of believed the Hollywood image, and I honestly felt that if anyone could make marriage a success, I could. Even the renowned genius Albert Einstein observed,

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope that they will change. Invariably, they are both disappointed.”

So, we’ll examine the five most common reasons why wives are unhappy in marriage; see what you think, and share your thoughts with SAS for Women. Apologies in advance if I’ve missed out on your particular favorite. You’ll probably want to add a few more of your own in the comments section.

1. Communication: He Doesn’t Listen to Me

Communication is often cited as the main reason women are unhappy in marriage. It is the very heartbeat of all relationships. No communication—no relationship; it’s that simple. In fact, a lack of communication is often a tell-tale sign of unhappiness.

If the man in your life doesn’t talk to you very much, or when he does, it’s perfunctory, it erodes the bond between you. One woman told me she felt like she had been “living with a stranger.”

The art of communicating effectively involves being a good listener as well as putting your point of view across. Good, honest, and open communication helps build trust. It makes us feel secure and strengthens the marriage bond. Only by communicating can you share your concerns and work together to dispel them before they become a problem. And more positively, only by communicating can you share each other’s dreams and work together to fulfil them.

Sometimes it’s about picking the right moment. You’ve had a stressful day… and so has he. After a busy day, take time to relax first. Ensure you’re both calm, relaxed, and free of distractions. Here’s a little acronym you might find useful:

• H.A.L.T. Don’t start important conversations if either of you is feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

And don’t underestimate the value of non-verbal communication. A warm embrace, a kiss, an affectionate arm around his shoulder, or maybe just a smile.

Are you craving that?

The flip side of this or sometimes the result of little or no communication, is something increasingly talked about. It’s called a Silent Divorce.

2. Appreciation: He Doesn’t Understand How Hard I Work

What is it with some guys?  I am sure you can empathize with this woman who told her husband is the type who needs daily thanks just for doing his job, that is constant approval, and recognition, “What about me?” you might scream. Okay, so that’s an extreme example. Your husband might not be so needy, but might drop in the odd comment like, “I have to go to work,” or “Someone has to go out and earn a living.”

Surely appreciation and thanking one another is a two-way street. Yet it seems this is something men struggle with: a failure to acknowledge and respect what women do. They take it for granted and scoff that it’s “work”. We could all write a list of the chores we do that go along with raising the children, taking them to school and activities, managing the family’s life logistics, buying and preparing the food that nourishes us, and the thankless housekeeping tasks that happen every day.  Hell, I do so much I can’t keep track but am sometimes on autopilot, never resting and unable to actually recount ALL the things I’ve done in one day.

And if you’re like me, you may also have another job outside the house!

Sometimes after a long day, all I want is to sit down and have a chat over a drink with my husband, and guess what?  He’s silent, morose; he’s tired. Or he’s late coming home from work… again. This lack of consideration can contribute to an overwhelming sense of loneliness, of not being seen or heard. “Taken for granted” is what a friend says she feels in her marriage.

A few compliments wouldn’t hurt now and then, nothing earth-shattering: “This dinner is delicious!” “How did you get Mike to baseball and Suzy to gymnastics when each sport was in a separate part of town – and at the same time?”  “What was good about your day today?”  “Gosh, the house looks beautiful with those flowers.”

Now, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?

3. Physical: He Just Wants Me for Sex

Do you ever get the feeling you’re just there for one thing … physical gratification: Sex? I know that sex isn’t the be-all and end-all of a relationship, and neither should it be. But it’s an important part of marriage, nonetheless. Physical intimacy helps keep a couple close. When it comes to intimacy, men and women are built differently. This is shown in differences in sexual desire, arousal patterns, and emotional connection. So, it’s hardly surprising that they’ll be fireworks now and again, and not always the romantic kind. I’m no Dr. Ruth, so let’s keep things simple.

You’ve heard of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

I prefer the phrase, Men are microwaves, women are ovens. Men are quickly turned on to full power, whereas women can take a little time to get up to temperature. Understanding these differences can go a long way toward fostering mutual respect for each other’s needs.

If you feel your husband only wants you for sex, it’s usually because you feel undervalued and emotionally disconnected; maybe you even have feelings of loneliness and isolation. No wonder sex feels just like another chore. My girlfriend Emma and I had this same conversation the other day. She commented,

“Foreplay begins way before the main event.”

She’s right. If there’s poor communication and a lack of appreciation, don’t expect that everything will just work itself out. Honest communication and non-sexual affection are often a good way to reconnect, letting your husband know that you need to feel loved and protected.

Maybe you have no libido, are exhausted, disregarded, and bored as you are with the relationship. Or maybe you are the one who is craving physical intimacy, and you might be saying to yourself, and maybe to your girlfriends (if you dare), “My sexless marriage is killing me.” It’s not just men who want it; a lot of times we do, too.

There may be nothing happening in the bedroom, for whatever reason. A good therapist can help you address this issue and normalize your feelings … and needs.  After a certain age, we often need a little help to keep the fire stoked.

4. Too Busy: He Doesn’t Make Time for Me!

Ever feel like you’re an afterthought? He always makes time for the things that are important to him: the fishing weekend, the meetup with his buddies to watch a game, his time in the gym, his “needs”. Don’t you count?

I suppose it’s true; we all make time for the things we want to do. And what we choose to do and how we spend our time is an indication of our priorities. Does your husband suddenly announce that he has to be somewhere, without any advance warning? If only he had used a bit of forethought, it would’ve made all the difference. You deserve his attention; you should be his priority. The realities of life mean that a couple can’t always be together, but when they are, you should both make the most of that time together.

And if you are both busy?

Then make time. It won’t just happen; it takes planning. Maybe even rescheduling other things so that once or twice a week, you spend dedicated quality time together.

And what about the kids? One woman commented that, despite being married, she felt as if she were parenting her children on her own: she was the one left holding the baby in a very literal sense. Sad to say, not all women are as lucky as I was on that score. To be fair to my husband, he would get up at 2 am to feed our baby and put him back to sleep. And he would be up early the next morning, getting ready for work. It seems like a small thing, but at the time I was extremely grateful for that bit of respite. Likewise, if I just needed a half-hour nap in the afternoon, he would take our young children out so I could get some peace and quiet. It doesn’t have to be anything amazing, just enough little things to make a difference.

5. The Invisible Woman: Lack of Emotional Support

Another major source of women’s unhappiness in marriage stems from a lack of emotional care and awareness. We all deserve happiness, but I can guarantee that if your husband is distant and doesn’t see you and doesn’t take into account your emotional needs, you won’t be.

Some women are dealing with “Miserable Husband Syndrome”; their husbands are shut down, non- communicative and not interested in making the marriage better.

Is that fair?

For sure, men and women are equal, but different. What do I mean? It’s the difference between a fine bone china cup and a robust tin mug. Both are used for the same purpose—to drink from –  but you wouldn’t dream of treating them in the same way. You don’t have to be as careful with a tin mug; if it gets dropped, it might pick up a scratch, maybe a dent or two. But a delicate bone china cup should be treated with care, more respect and handled more lovingly if you don’t want it to break. Look after it, and it will last you a lifetime.

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What about the guys? If they’re miserable, why are they staying put? Read “13 Reasons Why men Stay Married in Unhappy Marriages”.

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So, what sort of qualities do we mean?

Men have a saying in England: “Happy wife, happy life.” We’d love to hear your female version of this! (Put it in the comments box below.)

We’ve looked at five reasons why women feel unhappy in marriage, but the point is, if one half is unhappy, chances are the other one is unhappy too. Happiness is infectious; it’s really about being a happy couple.

And, please don’t panic; if you can identify with any of the points we’ve mentioned, it doesn’t automatically mean that divorce is inevitable for you. But it is food for thought, and hopefully something that will encourage you to address some of these issues we’ve raised rather than giving up and settling for what might grow into a toxic marriage.

These are popular complaints and, ultimately, reasons for unhappiness that lead to divorce.

One final thing. Maybe I can set you a little challenge. Although this article is aimed primarily at women like us, why not make it a goal to make sure your partner reads this article too?  See what your partner says. Their response will be very telling about the state of your marriage.

I recently heard a quote that sums things up beautifully:

“Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.”

NOTES

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to guide them through the emotional, financial, and practical experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, smart steps, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”