Browse Articles on the topic of Life After Divorce

Dating After Divorce Cheat Sheet

Dating After Divorce Cheat Sheet: The 5 Types of Men You MIGHT Meet

Dating after divorce can be frustrating. While you might remember what dating was like before your marriage, the men you meet after divorce are in a different ballpark—if, they are even in the game. Among them, those who are truly viable, you’ll find a differing assortment of good and bad. The problem is if you haven’t dated in twenty years, you have little context by which to compare the good against the bad.

As well, and far more interesting is the fact that you’ve grown—not only in age but as a result of your divorce. You’ve learned the only way to really appreciate the nuances of the goodies and the baddies (beyond and between the simple profiles offered below) is to dip your toes into those dating waters and to bear a few things in mind.

It’s an attitude, so practice it

Dating after divorce is a wonderful way to experience life anew. But don’t take your dates too seriously. Instead of looking outward for the “One” or “The Only,” invest in having fun and getting your bearings. We caution you about jumping into another long-term, committed relationship.

Instead, get a good feel for your wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. You will want to understand yourself first and learn how to stay true to you in your next relationship—if you even choose to have a next relationship. (Maybe you just want to focus on healing right now? That’s okay, too.)

If you are open to the idea of dating after divorce, though, we’ve prepared the following cheat sheet on the five types of men you might meet so you can be prepared. While we know there are a lot of great men out there, we also know there is truth in jest.

The Misanthrope

This guy is cheap—and we’re not saying cheap as in he’s not picking up the tab for the date (feminism means splitting the bill, right?). No, he’s the extreme sense of squeak—frugal with money and his time, and, sometimes, even his emotions. He’ll seem attractive at first because he’s elusive, and when he shares, he sounds so sensible. He believes in equality, “partnership,” and the mutual sharing of finances. But after a few early bird-dinners where he’s pulled out his calculator (not on his phone, but from his pocket), or your needing to negotiate his penciling you in on a Wednesday, next month, his mystery fades.

He distrusts people, and for that reason, he is loathe to invest. Are you up to the task of teaching him you are deserving and worthy?

The Monologist

Read about him here, because chances are you’ll never get a word in edgewise when you meet (your next?) Monologist. This is the type whose internet profile leads with his professional title . . . “Lawyer,” “CFO,” “Surfer.” In person, there is never any awkward silence because he fills the air sharing about himself. When you start to chime in, then dare to add a thought, you’ll suddenly be corrected (a mixed bag, because at last he’s heard you and you’re rather touched but then chastened). The word you chose to enunciate is not right. No, let him explain. And more mansplaining takes place.

Been there. But you are working on your capacity for compassion. So you let the leash run and run—to make sure he’s not as egregious as he seems. He can’t be.  He is.

Out on the street you tell him, it was lovely meeting but you don’t think it’s going to work out. Call you crazy, but you’d like a companion who asks you about yourself.

The Peter Pan

Ah, Sweet Bird of Youth! Whether he’s actually younger than you, or just at heart, his energy and attitude are so refreshing. It’s exhilarating to be with someone who’s positive, who’s au courante with happenings, and who thinks you’re cool enough, too.

Peter Pan knows the latest, latest. His fingers fly quickly across his smartphone, showing you the video of the next place you should go, you must go, it’s this club where this band he loves is playing! Peter Pan takes you to a bar where, as you look around, you notice there are only young people. Very young people who know him very well. A couple of nubile beauties sidle up to Peter Pan, and he looks at you as if to brag. You watch his arms slide comfortably around them. He’s their mascot. He’s either their seasoned, slightly older social director, or he’s their tired, tragic mascot. You are trying to decide which, when he offers to get you a drink and take you backstage “to meet the kids.” You’re excited because you get to use a word you’ve just learned, “Nolo.” And out the door you gogo.

There’s a reason this guy is so on the pulse to what’s young—he’s never grown up.

It’s also why he might be divorced. And if not, if he’s never been married, ask him if he’s big into video games.

Youth and energy can be fun, even confidence boosting, but problematic when you’re in trouble and need a hand. Says one client formerly married to a Peter Pan:

“I just got sick of being his mother, too, of being the killjoy, the heavy always explaining to the kids that we couldn’t do what daddy was wanting because we didn’t have the money. I wanted to be the fun one, sometimes. I am working on that now!”

Mr. Plug & Play

This guy is committed. He’s really really pro-commitment. He’s looking for a “LTR” (a long-term relationship) he tells you, more than once. He seems in love with the idea of being paired-up, and you (without his knowing the least thing about you) are perfect for him.

At first, Mr. PP seems amazing because he’s so into you—he’ll hang on your every word. He’ll even listen, with that latter part making you swoon. But soon, he’ll declare, to you, to the universe, how amazing it is that you and he are exactly alike.

Except you are not.

You are open, curious, but cautious, checking him and the situation out.

This guy, on the other hand, has already plugged you into a life he created a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

If this guy is below 40, he wants desperately to be married, for whatever ambitious, personal or cultural reasons.

If this guy is 40 or older, and recently divorced, it’s likely he’s looking for his Ex’s replacement. He has done no work on himself. He’s seeking to partner up because being alone is so darn uncomfortable. He likes it when the house “is neat and organized and there’s someone there to fix his meals.”

“I felt like the missing piece to his jigsaw puzzle,” sighed Olivia. “We had not even ordered drinks when he started telling me about his needs, what he was missing. He told me, point blank, that he was looking for someone to take care of him in his old age! It wasn’t a date, it was an interview, just showing me again how insidious this white male privilege is. They are clueless.”

We think we can all agree that if you were interviewing for a job, it would be good to know the salary and benefits paid.

The Mr. Darcy

Little by little, this guy seems like the complete package—Mr. Darcy is sensible, proud, and yet, capable of cutting loose. An added boon is that he treats you with respect. He makes you feel feminine. Special somehow. But he doesn’t tell you everything about himself that first night. He actually asks you questions as a way of deflecting your questions you pose to him.

The Mr. Darcys of the world have been burned in the past and may come off as overly cautious or guarded. Maybe he’s been divorced, too. Maybe his best friend betrayed him, or maybe his Ex betrayed him with his best friend? This guy has so many walls up, you might not actually be sure he likes you until he breaks down and confesses all his thoughts, his feelings in a gushing romantic speech many dates later.

Maybe. Or maybe you just saw that scene on Netflix.

However, there may be just enough there to keep you wondering. You are not certain, but you think you might give this guy another date, if only because you know one thing sure about yourself. You absolutely stand with and for second chances.

In Sum

If you have the ability to have these experiences and muse with your girlfriends, then, each of these encounters was worth its weight in wine. On the other hand, you may not meet any of these men. Any which way, our experience with women after divorce suggests, it’s important to be mindful of OUR desire to couple up. Too often that “need” leads the show and can blind us from seeing who is really seated across the table. We encourage you to cultivate your particular perspective, to balance the desire to get out there again with the opportunity it is for you to look at yourself.

And by the way, our vote would go for Mr. Darcy. He’s the most promising according to the book.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce and recreation. Now you can secure female-centered support, information, and next steps if you are rebuilding your life with Paloma’s Group, our virtual, post-divorce group coaching class for women only.  To promote sisterhood and protect confidentiality, please know space is limited. Visit for details.

“I am so happy to have these sisters on the journey with me! Our connection is very productive, very powerful. We’ve met each other with a warm full heart! I feel understood — at last — because I know these women get it! They are going through the same thing. Our connection has ended any sense of isolation or alienation that on and off, I’ve been struggling with.

Thank you for bringing us together and creating Paloma’s Group!”

~ S.L., New York City

Divorce coach can help you heal

How to Get Through a Divorce and Heal: The Surprising X Factor of a Divorce Coach

The idea that a divorce coach could help you figure out how to get through a divorce and also heal might surprise you.

You’re may have heard of the more practical aspects of working with a divorce coach, because coaches are particularly known for helping you understand and navigate the black and white steps of divorce. Often, those steps – those logistical parts — are easier for people to understand.

They seem more obvious.

For example, a good divorce coach will help you understand what your criteria is for really deciding if you should divorce or what your options are when it comes to finding the right legal process for you and your family. The right process is paramount for achieving the best outcome, one that will allow all of you to not only survive the process in one piece but to move on and rebuild afterward.

How to get through a divorce: the nuts and bolts

After helping you understand the different ways to divorce, and which may be the right approach for you (mediation? litigation? traditional approach? DIY?), your coach will help you find the right lawyer or mediator to consult or work with if that seems appropriate. A key piece your coach will help you with is making sure you ask the right questions when you get in front of a legal professional — based on your story and its unique factors. You’ll appreciate having somewhere to go after speaking with a lawyer, too—as you begin the process of metabolizing what the lawyer actually said; and then, developing your strategy for moving forward.

When it comes to the financial aspects of the divorce itself and your life post-divorce, your divorce coach can play a vital role.

“It’s a sad fact that even today many women aren’t especially financially literate,” says Trisha, a divorced mother living in Madison, Wisconsin with her three young boys. “Some of us have allowed our spouses to control the money while we focus our attention elsewhere. When we’re on our own, it all becomes so overwhelming—like we’re starting back at square one.”

It’s because of this that your divorce coach will be invaluable in helping you understand the impact your divorce will have on your finances – and this is different from the legal process ending your marriage.

A divorce coach will support you in making smart financial decisions that take into account your specific situation and particularly, your goals. She’ll also introduce you to exceptionally qualified and reliable financial experts should you need their expertise – during the divorce when it comes to understanding your financial negotiations, and importantly, for building your life as an independent woman.

“Your divorce coach will help you figure out how to make all the moving pieces of your daily life work together—a new living situation, a job, health insurance, child care. Even car maintenance!” says Trisha.

In other words, throughout the confusing, frustrating, and frightening process of divorce one of the critical roles your divorce coach will fill for you is being your “thinking partner.” She will be there with you every step of the way to help ensure that you understand the nitty-gritty details of how to get through the divorce strategically, economically and healthily. Armed with the right knowledge, you can make the best decisions for your future.

But how to get through a divorce and heal? That is another proposal.

A divorce coach can help you more than you realize . . .

Your divorce coach can help you do so much more than deal with the practical nuts and bolts of how to get through a divorce. She’ll help you understand the journey you’re on and the kind of healing that must take place to really recover from your divorce  This path of healing and recovery is very, very different from the logistical, legal, or financial paths that you must also take.

Each step of your divorce journey will evoke powerful and unfamiliar emotions

These negative emotions are often volatile and messy—they live outside the tidy boxes of logistics and documents. And at times, these emotions make us feel ashamed, like they are not normal. We are not “normal.”

“There might be times you hardly recognize yourself,” says Rebecca, who runs her own photography business in Brooklyn, New York. “A divorce coach can help you understand the value of these emotion and teach you how to release or rehabilitate them in a positive, healthy way instead of lashing out at your ‘was-band’.”

Your divorce coach will help you discover who you want to be during and after divorce

She will gently remind you of who you are and what you really want when the overwhelming emotional realities come crashing down on you. She will be your life-line helping you hold steady and connected to your truth along the way so that you don’t drown or wallow in negativity.

“I was so freaking hurt,” said Millie, a Los Angeles woman who had been married for 32 years before her husband asked for a divorce, “that I couldn’t get over my own victimhood, my rage and my incredible sense of betrayal. I look back and I see I needed those emotions at the time, to get through it all, to feel like I had been wronged, that he was the villain. I didn’t know what being whole again would feel like. I didn’t know what constituted ‘being healed.’ Working with a coach made me realize so much about myself — that I had a powerful journey to complete, to feel restored, to move on! I am sure I saved time having an incredible guide. Hell, I may have saved my life.”

Forgiveness is another important part of the divorce journey. Unfortunately, forgiveness is also a very misunderstood act. Your divorce coach can help you realize what forgiveness really is. She can also help you decide who in your life deserves your forgiveness, so you can move on without being haunted by the past.

Experiencing and moving through grief is another part of the divorce healing journey

There are so many things to grieve when one chapter of your life ends—and it may not be grieving the absence of your Ex. Your coach can help you understand what grief is and how to identify and process each and every facet of its confusion. To free yourself from the grasp of what was and could have been, you must embrace a new future for your family and yourself.

One of the key components of healing from divorce is compassion. Ultimately, it’s what will allow you to rise above the strife of this huge life change. With that said, compassion is almost impossible to embrace on your own when you’re in the throes of turmoil.

Luckily, your coach knows the redemptive power of compassion. She will share her skills with you and teach you how to see your world with a compassionate perspective — starting with yourself. This skill will serve you again and again as you face other challenges in your future.

You cannot fully recover from divorce without compassion.

Because your coach will assist you in discovering who you want to be after your divorce is over, she’ll also help you identify the opportunities that are unfolding as a result of this huge life change. Sometimes those opportunities disguise themselves as problems. But with her guidance, your divorce coach will help you see what she sees as being possible for you.

For the right person, a divorce coach can be one of the best sources of complete support you can have as you figure out how to get through one of the biggest, if not the biggest challenge of your life. She is someone who not only understands all the legal, logistical, and financial aspects of the dissolution of a marriage but will compassionately help you embrace your emotions and heal as you invest in yourself so that, moving forward healthily and wholly, you blossom. You become who you are meant to be.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of  divorce. 

“A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women

All women — no matter your economic profile or location — are invited to schedule a free consultation with SAS where you will learn of resources and the best next steps you might consider that honor your life.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

40 Inspirational Divorce Quotes to Make You Feel Less Alone

40 Inspirational Divorce Quotes to Make You Feel Less Alone

At any given time along this path of change, you might be feeling scared, confused, angry, sad, and lonely. You might be feelinged-out, numb. And all those plucky words of chin-up encouragement, or flat-lining platitudes friends and family continue to proffer are falling on your deaf and numb and pained ears.

Other times our reaction to another person’s words can take us by surprise. We might find ourselves struck by a truth we feel so deeply, so innately, that we could never express it in words. Great writers make us feel like that. Their words could be our own—they so closely resemble what we think and feel. Such writers give us a voice when we can’t trust ourselves. They make us feel seen and less alone

Below are 40 divorce quotes from inspirational women that will make you feel just that: less alone. If you find a quote that makes you vibe, consider printing and hanging it somewhere you’ll see it every day.

You are not alone. Everyone needs help dealing with divorce and especially, divorce recovery (do you know what “healed” even looks like?) We’ve been there, in that place of not knowing what you don’t know.

Without further ado, here are 40 divorce quotes that you can read on dark days when you need a little camaraderie and inspiration:

1. Reese Witherspoon divorce quote

 

2. “You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”
—Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

3.  “There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” 
— C. Joybell C.

 

4. “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”
— Lucille Ball

 

5. “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to.”
— Helen Rowland

 

6. “Divorce isn’t the child’s fault. Don’t say anything unkind about your ex to the child, because you’re really just hurting the child.”
— Valerie Bertinelli

 

7. “I wanted to turn my divorce into a positive. What if I didn’t blame the other person for anything, and held myself 100 percent accountable? What if I checked my own s— at the door and put my children first? And reminded myself about the things about my ex-husband that I love, and fostered the friendship?”
— Gwyneth Paltrow

 

8. J.K. Rowling quote on divorce

 

9. “Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.”
— Rupi Kaur

 

10. “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”
― Jennifer Weiner

 

11. “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”
— Coco Chanel

 

12. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

 

13. “Success is its own reward, but failure is a great teacher too, and not to be feared.”
— Sonia Sotomayor

 

14. “I was a high-functioning depressive, seemingly pulled together and buttoned down. But inside deep, I was numb and mute. Now on the other side of divorce, I know that was me fragmented and doing my best to cope. But my body knew.”
— Liza Caldwell, SAS for Women Cofounder

 

15. “It always gets worse before it can get better. But it will get better. Like everything else, and like our past struggles, at some point we win, but before that win, there’s always that loss that spurs us on.”
— Dolores Huerta

 

16. “When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.”
—Monica Bellucci

 

17. Cheryl Strayed quote on divorce

 

18. “Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”
— Toni Morrison

 

19. “Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.”
—Amy Poehler

 

20. “I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me.”
—Erica Jong

 

21. “I think that men were allowed to write about their marriages falling apart, but you weren’t quite supposed to if you were a woman. You were just supposed to curl up into a ball and move to Connecticut. But you know, it didn’t really matter because, as I said, I knew what the book was. It’s a funny book, and I was very happy that it sold a lot of copies.”
– Nora Ephron on her book, Heartburn

 

22. “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
— Deborah Reber

 

23. “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.”
— Carol Burnett

 

24. “Don’t be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered.”
— Michelle Obama

 

25. Ann Landers quote on divorce

 

26. “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
— Maya Angelou

 

27. “Perhaps sometimes reminding ourselves that we do have a choice makes it easier to pick the harder one.”
— Eva Melusine Thieme

 

28. “Don’t have regrets. You can learn something from every experience.”
— Ellen Degeneres

 

29. “I learned that it would take more than just the black and white steps of getting divorced, or even finding a lawyer. It would take NOT just facing my fears. It would take walking into my fears — with each step making me bolder and less ashamed, with each step giving me courage.”
— Liza Caldwell, SAS for Women Cofounder

 

30. “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

 

31. “The process of discovering with somebody that you love that you don’t work is so painful.”
—Kate Hudson

 

32. “It was a long time in the making, my divorce. One day became less special than the [one before], and pretty soon we ceased all conversation. It is a sad day when you have nothing left to say.”
—Ricki Lake

 

33. “Above all be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
— Nora Ephron

 

34. “The good thing about getting divorced young—if there is a good thing—is that it makes you realize there’s no schedule in life. It blasts you wide open and frees you to be honest with yourself.”
—Olivia Wilde

 

35. “When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be towards others.”
— Eda LeShan

 

36. “There’s no pain or failure like going through a divorce.”
—Jennifer Lopez

 

37. “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
— Lena Horne

 

38. Sarah Ban Breathnach quote on divorce

 

39.“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”
— Carrie Fisher

 

40. “I used to hope that you’d bring me flowers. Now I plant my own.”
— Rachel Wolchin

 

Is there a divorce quote that’s helped you get through your divorce? Comment below to share. We could all use a little inspiration and encouragement.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. If you are looking for confidential divorce support, take advantage of our six months of FREE email coaching giving you action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your self. 

“Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS for Women

 

Working with a divorce coach ... the good and the bad

What You Need to Know About Working with a Divorce Coach (the Benefits … and the Downsides)

As you navigate through the thoughts of divorce, dealing with divorce, or recovering from divorce, a divorce coach might be your best source of comprehensive support. That’s because an experienced divorce coach knows divorce is not just a legal or financial dilemma.  It’s a whole life challenge that requires your making diverse but smart decision—and not just for you, but for your family and your future.

No matter where you are on your journey, there are two things your divorce coach will consistently do for you. She will help you understand and cope with the wide range of emotions you’re experiencing, and she will help you answer the questions that are preventing you from moving forward.

A divorce coach will provide you with support tailored to your unique situation.

Thinking about divorce? A divorce coach can help you:

1. Gain clarity about your situation and your choices

Just because you’re thinking about divorce doesn’t mean getting a divorce is the best solution for you. Your divorce coach can help you understand what you must know about divorce so you find your way forward with integrity, so you can feel good about the decision you’ll ultimately make.

2. Understand your legal choices if you decide to divorce

One of the most confusing aspects of divorce is how to do it. What model of divorce do you choose? Mediation? DIY? Collaborative? Traditional litigation? Your circumstances and the feedback you receive from a coach can help you choose which model is best for you—and which models definitely aren’t. This saves you from embarking on the wrong and potentially costly path.

3. Evaluate your choices by providing you with unbiased and honest feedback

When you talk with your friends and family about your options, no matter how much they love you, chances are good that they’ll be biased because your decision could impact them or what they want for you. When you work with an experienced and knowledgeable divorce coach, you will have both a sounding board and a guide who isn’t concerned with how your decision might impact her.

4. Consider all the practical, financial, and legal challenges you may face regardless of your ultimate decision

Your divorce coach knows the challenges of putting a marriage back together again and of ending a marriage. With her knowledge and experience, she can guide you in defining your values and goals. She’ll encourage you to envision your future, so you can make your decision with a full picture of what lies ahead.

5. Connect you with the right people

You may need the services of a financial advisor, lawyer, mediator, accountant, or a parenting specialist. A divorce coach can attend those meetings with you, if necessary, or join you on phone calls as you gather the information you need to make your decision.

If you’re dealing with divorce, the benefits of working with a divorce coach include:

1. Helping you strategize the necessary steps (and when to take them) so you efficiently move through the divorce process and prepare for your life after divorce

With her knowledge and experience, your divorce coach will be able to help you step-by-step through the divorce process. She will help you consider your options—how they will impact you today and in the future. This saves time and money, so you don’t need to learn things the hard way.

2. Helping you deal with stress and navigate the overwhelming

You’ll experience so many different emotions because of this major life transition that at times you’ll find it difficult to think. Yet you still need to make decisions because the divorce process demands it. Your divorce coach will help you cope so you can make the best decisions possible for your family and your future.

3. Supporting you across every obstacle, challenge, and experience

As part of your divorce journey, you might experience sleeplessness, anxiety, fear, and anger. You might also be at a loss when it comes to looking for a new place to live, finding a job, or juggling the challenges of being a single parent. Your divorce coach will know exactly how to help you deal with every physical, emotional, and practical challenge you face as you’re dealing with your divorce.

4. Teaching you how to communicate effectively with your soon-to-be Ex

Despite the fact that you’re divorcing and emotions may be running high, you will still need to communicate with your former spouse. At a minimum, you’ll need to discuss coparenting and the division of property. Your divorce coach will share tools and tips with you to make the necessary discussions easier.

5. Connecting you with the right people

Financial advisors, lawyers, mediators, accountants, and parenting experts—since it can be overwhelming to keep track of all the details involved with getting divorced, your divorce coach can even accompany you to court and any meetings with other experts on your team to take notes and provide support.

One of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re dealing with divorce is to have the right team of experts support you. Your divorce coach will advise you when and if you need to add additional experts to your team and how best to communicate with them.

If you’re recovering from divorce, working with a divorce coach can:

1. Help you deal with your grief about all that you’ve lost and all that will never be

There’s no doubt that you lose many things when you divorce—including your hopes and dreams for the future. It’s natural to grieve the losses. Your divorce coach will support you as you let go of the past.

2. Help you reboot and create your best life starting now

She will gently remind you of the reasons you divorced so you can focus on the present and your future instead of getting stuck in the past.

3. Help you see the lessons your marriage has taught you instead of allowing you to feel like a failure

Your divorce coach will help you find and focus on the lessons your marriage taught you, so you begin your recovery and healing … so  you can move forward and create your best next chapter.

4. Help you embrace your new freedom instead of fearing it

Divorce is a major life-changing event. Your divorce coach can help you frame your experiences as exciting challenges instead of terror- or anxiety-inducing ones.

5. Help you rediscover your true self

Compromises are part and parcel of marriage, and it’s easy to lose your true self as a result. Your divorce coach can help you revisit and define your personal values and goals, as well as envision and create your future.

Despite all these benefits, working with a divorce coach isn’t always a good idea.

What are the downsides to working with a divorce coach?

1. You will need to take action to overcome the obstacles and challenges you face

Many people just want a sounding board to vent their emotions and thoughts to because doing so makes them feel placated. The problem is these people don’t actually want to do anything besides talk. If this is you, working with a divorce coach isn’t a good idea.

2. Working with a coach can make the conversation about divorce “too real”

Meeting with a divorce coach does not mean you are necessarily divorcing: you are getting educated about your options. But as you learn more, you gain clarity, which may compel you to take action. If you don’t want to change your life, then working with a divorce coach isn’t a good idea.

3. You will need to do your research and select an experienced and knowledgeable divorce coach

Not everyone is a good divorce coach. You want a coach who is certified and experienced—possibly even specialized. (Everyone who has been through a divorce thinks she’d make a good coach, and that’s simply not true.)

4. You will receive good and bad feedback

If you are intimidated by feedback of any kind, a divorce coach may not be for you.

5. You will hear the truth—not just your version of it

If you don’t want to hear the truth, then you don’t want to work with a coach.

6. You will have to make your own decisions

If you’d like someone else to make decisions for you, working with a divorce coach is not right for you. A divorce coach’s job is to help empower you, so you become the best decision maker possible.

7. You will have her, and potentially a team, available to support you throughout your divorce journey

If you believe you can and should handle everything on your own, then you shouldn’t work with a coach.

A relatively new profession, the role a divorce coach plays is not widely understood in our culture. But her relevance as a “thinking partner” and guide through the challenges of divorce is making divorce coaches increasingly indispensable as you navigate through a journey fraught with complexity.

And yet, a divorce coach is not for everyone. If you’re ready to face your situation and your possible divorce journey now, with integrity and an eye toward minimizing the impact on everyone, choosing to work with a divorce coach is the best decision you can make.

Whether you are considering divorce, already navigating the experience, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. Schedule your free session to learn about your possible next steps to a better day of living with courage, compassion and integrity.

Woman holding black daisy after divorce

Grief After Divorce: How to Recognize and Move Past It

“After Divorce” or “Post Divorce” are words society uses to capture that phase coming after you’ve signed the divorce document.  You know, when so many people say, you should be “moving on”? We call this phase Stage 3 (of 4) of Divorce, for indeed it represents all that comes after the contemplation and court proceedings; but it is its own tricky stage to be in, full of extreme highs and lows, discoveries, and challenges. Stage 3 also has a lot to do with understanding grief.

We wish we could tell you what to expect while you go through your own Stage 3, what to prepare for with your particular brand of grief (and all the other complicated feelings that will come along with it), but we can’t. Grief is supremely personal, and how it manifests itself is organic to each of us. What grief looked like for us (Kim and Liza) during and after our divorces will look very different for you.

We recognize that you may not call what you are going through or what you are feeling grief. We know this because we didn’t either—at first. Kim found the “after divorce” feelings she was experiencing to be really confusing:

“I wanted the divorce. I initiated the divorce. I knew the divorce made the most sense for a ton of reasons. So, who was I to grieve it or anything when I’d brought the divorce upon myself, upon us? And yet, grieve I did.”

“I would not have called my feelings of relief, of elation, of freedom as bearing any semblance to grief,” laughs Liza, mostly at herself:

“And yet, I know there were — and continue to be even today — profound moments when the loss is there. I feel it deeply, like some delayed response. When I come across a photo of myself—early on in my marriage—I can see that young girl, the person I was trying to be. I was trying so hard to be ‘right,’ to be all the things he said I wasn’t. There’s a part of me today that wishes I could take that girl into another room and just talk to her quietly. I wish I could save her. But then again, I am what I am now because of her failings. And to be honest, I have no regrets.”

We think you are getting the picture, too. The after divorce stage is complicated, rife with the inchoate and very real feelings of loss. If you don’t feel it yet, trust us, you will. We recommend you read The Grief Recovery Handbook to begin to understand your grief after divorce and how you can think about it differently. But right now? We urge you to keep reading, prepare for what comes next, and take measures to understand your reality.

What is grief?

Let’s break down the idea of grieving a bit. Our first instinct is to think grief = sadness, like the death of a loved one. And that’s true of course, but it’s a lot more complex than that. Using the Grief Recovery Institute’s definition of grief, we know that grief is “all of the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

Using this lens, we can certainly see how divorce and the accompanying changes it brings into our lives is a time that’s full of grief. The familiar we know and rely on are no longer, putting us in a state of confusion and pain. So, for example, while you were in a dysfunctional marriage, it was the only marriage you’ve ever known. You may be thrilled, sad, and terrified that it has ended because you don’t know what lies beyond. The loss of the familiar, the dreams you’ve held close, or what you thought would be—that’s what you’re missing. That’s what you’re grieving.

Does it make sense, if we say that your head and heart are at odds with one another?

Perhaps your heart wanted the family to stay together for the kids, while your head knew that his anger was toxic to the family and out of control. Your heart may have wanted to believe that he was going to land that next big job and all would be fine, while your head knew that he hadn’t held a job in 10 years. Looking at the situation now, he had financially ruined your family. Your heart may have wanted him to say “I love you” with that sparkle in his eyes like he used to, but your head knew that he had checked out of the marriage a long time ago. It’s a tough struggle because your head and your heart are both very powerful, so you find yourself in an internal tug-of-war.

You can engage in that tug-of-war indefinitely. Grief can cripple you if you let it. And yes, sure, we can recommend more books to read and videos to look up and support groups to go to—but honestly? None of that is going to help you move through the grief.

Have you ever read the children’s book, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt and gotten to the line, “Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, gotta go through it”? Well, what you are facing is not that different. Your grief seems enormous. It seems to have no end. But you must move through the grief. You have to work at it.

How do you work through grief after divorce?

1. Choose to recover. You have to literally make the choice in both your head and your heart that you are going to wade through your grief with purpose. You have to be determined, focused, and persistent in your choice. Once you decide that you have to push through your grief as opposed to letting it drown you, your whole experience shifts, and you take the power back.

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss, so if you know it’s coming and you remember that you can help yourself get through it, you’ll come out the other side. If you do the work, you will be wiser and probably more compassionate to yourself and others as a result.

This is a little simplistic, but we think you’ll get what we mean—think of it like a cold. We all get them occasionally, and once the illness has taken hold of us, there is no quick cure. You have to let the cold run its course. However, most of us don’t simply go to bed and wait for the cold to pass or allow it to worsen and turn into something like pneumonia or bronchitis. No, we take steps to make ourselves more comfortable, to lessen the symptoms, to shorten the duration, and to make sure our body has the tools it needs to kill the virus. Grief can be a lot like that—there are tools you can use to give your heart and mind what they need to resume a healthy balance.

2. Find community. Don’t make the mistake of trying to push through your grief alone. If you’ve read even a few of our articles, this is a drum we beat often. There are so many ways to connect with people—other women out there who know exactly how you feel and can offer you an empathetic ear and a shoulder to lean on.

Lately, we have had quite a few clients who are young mothers, meaning they are relatively young and their children are young—like babies! This is a particularly challenging time to be going through a divorce. There’s the intense physical labor of caring for young ones but also the feeling that no one in their right mind could be experiencing divorce at this juncture of parenthood. It’s a painful, isolating time. They can’t confide in their peer mommy groups. What a relief it is when they found other women in their same shoes!

One word of caution is that if you choose to look for a support group, try a few before you decide to stick with it. Our experience is that some support groups can be pretty depressing, with people telling stories every week but no real help being offered. Hearing each other’s stories can be one way to feel like you aren’t alone, but without taking the next step, without doing something to feel better, mere talk can keep you at a standstill. Understand what you are looking for and try targeting a group that is led by either a coach, a grief recovery specialist, or a therapist who can offer you concrete steps to take in-between meetings.

3. Take action. Take action in new, tried-and-true, or inspiring and challenging ways. Your goal is to put into place a few new behavioral patterns. A great way to do that is to search meetup.com for things you love to do or things you’d like to learn. Go to a meeting and see if you get hooked—or if you meet someone who is looking at the scenario as irreverently as you are. Try volunteering, take a class, start a journal, or plan a trip. The idea is to do something different.

Taking action and moving through your grief isn’t about staying in that dark place in your head; it’s about bringing your head and heart into the light. Moving past grief after divorce is possible for you, but remember: overcoming your grief is a choice. Are you ready to find out what comes after divorce?

 

SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to rebuilding their lives after divorce — on their own terms. If you are discerning, newly divorced and independent, you are invited to experience SAS for Women firsthand and schedule your free, 45-minute, private consultation.  Whether you work further with us or not, we’ll help you understand what your next, black and white steps are for walking into your BRAVE unknown.

 

Luxe, messed up bed

Happiness After Divorce: Your Sexual Reawakening

During the last ten years of my marriage, I had zero interest in sex. Actually, it may have even been a negative amount of interest. Ten years is a long time. I chalked my disinterest up to two kids and getting older (I was in my late 30s, so I was clearly trying to rationalize and ignore the glaring fact that I was miserable in my marriage). All of this didn’t mean I wasn’t having sex. But the sex was, at best, something to check off my to-do list.

Happiness after divorce is possible for you (because it was for me)

One fear I had (and often see clients grappling with) was this: Is bad sex in an unsatisfying loveless marriage still better than the possibility of NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN? It took me several years of weighing the fear—an unlikely and irrational one—of living the rest of my days entirely alone without a loving partner against the increasingly intolerable state of my marriage. I was thinking about divorce. Was that the right choice for me? I finally took a giant leap and moved out, focusing on baby steps like finding my own apartment, choosing a paint color for my new bedroom, and unpacking boxes one by one. But experiencing true happiness after divorce still seemed out of reach.

So, it came as a HUGE surprise when I discovered that in addition to unpacking those boxes of belongings—even the metaphorical boxes of emotions I had kept hidden away—I unpacked some interest in sex. Ok, not just some interest. I experienced a sexual reawakening! Just days after moving into my new place, SEX was all I could think about. That’s not an exaggeration. I felt different, becoming very physically aware of myself and my body. I felt so different that I looked different. Friends, family, and other people in my life asked me if I had a facelift or another kind of treatment. It dawned on me that perhaps I looked different because of feelings I was experiencing for the first time in many years: hope and happiness. And let’s face it, happiness is sexy.

Is bad sex in an unsatisfying loveless marriage still better than the possibility of NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN?

Don’t get me wrong—just because I felt a tremendous rush of interest in sex doesn’t mean I wasn’t equally consumed by bouts of pure, unadulterated panic. Sure, I had lots of interest but no game plan and no potential dates in sight. Would anyone find me attractive? Would anyone see me as anything other than a middle-aged mother of two trying desperately to keep her sh*t together? I couldn’t even allow myself to fully imagine the mechanics of undressing in front of another man. It all felt far too overwhelming.

My first kiss as the “new me”

It was a few days after moving into my new home when I received a text from a number I didn’t recognize. It was an old boyfriend I had dated in my 20s. I hadn’t heard from him in years. I knew that he had separated from his wife at some point, but I didn’t give it much thought. The text said, “Happy New Year! Hope you’re well. Would love to grab a drink sometime.” Assuming he had heard about my separation, I immediately called our one mutual friend to see if she had told him the news. She had not. In fact, she also hadn’t spoken to him in a long time. I was floored. What were the chances of my Ex texting me just days after I moved out on my own? We set up a date, and every time I imagined seeing him, I felt nervous.

I felt free and alive for the first time in what felt like a very long time.

When I arrived at Indochine, a sceney NYC restaurant frequented by models and celebrities, I barely recognized myself! I felt like I was 25 again: out at night, in the “real” world, with other people who weren’t parents! While eating dinner with my Ex (we’ll call him Chaz), I remembered that he could never stop himself from checking out every attractive woman in sight. And that he is unapologetic about it. This habit once drove me nuts and was the reason I ended things with him years before. I noted that Chaz clearly hadn’t changed. His eyes skipped from woman to woman, landing on a lanky and gorgeous Afroed hostess, but I didn’t care. I felt free and alive for the first time in what felt like a very long time. And I had a one-track mind . . .

After dinner, Chaz and I walked a few blocks south to a spot we used to go to together back in the day. It was dark, moody, and easy to hide in. I was tipsy by this point, and I think Chaz was too. We sat down across from one another, and he leaned in to kiss me. It wasn’t an innocent, just-for-old-time’s-sake kind of kiss. It was a lean-into-each-other, full throttle make out session. My first kiss with a man who was not my husband in nearly 16 years. It was THRILLING, to say the least.

We finished our drinks, and a cab dropped us off at our respective apartments. No, we didn’t have sex. Kissing someone new was enough for me just then. We furiously made out the entire taxi ride (which would be my first of several kissing experiences in a taxi). After leaving him, I was excited about my new life after divorce. I was single, unmarried, and free.

A lot of women think they cannot become who they are meant to be without another man.

I’ve discovered otherwise. Me.

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce. Now you can find support and learn best practices RE-creating your life after divorce with Paloma’s Group. Decide who you really are. Find IT. Create IT. Own IT.

Classes start September 26 and space is limited.  Visit here for details. 

Alyssa Dineen has been a New York City stylist for close to 20 years. After getting divorced herself, Alyssa started a service to help newly single people get into the dating app world with confidence. She has worked with all different personalities, body types and budgets and knows how to help you stay relevant and current while still feeling like yourself — the best version of yourself. Meet Alyssa this fall and benefit from her personal style and dating guidance through Paloma’s Group, SAS’ post-divorce support group for women.

Women starting over after divorce

5 Simple Tips for Women Starting Over After Divorce

Marriage should be a mutually beneficial arrangement for two people. Love, of course, matters, but historically, women had finances and their future stability to consider when choosing a husband. And over the past hundred years, our concept of marriage has changed—not just in America, but in many parts of the world. Today, women no longer marry to survive. Instead, independent women tie the knot for love and self-realization. But love and self-realization are also increasingly becoming reasons for getting a divorce.

According to a recent study conducted by WP Diamonds, one in ten marriages ends due to a lack of freedom. Once divorced, this newly-won freedom can seem a little frightening to even the most independent women. The important thing is to stay focused on your goals and assert your wishes. Starting over after divorce is about taking control of your new life.

Fight for your dreams, and take control of your life

Maintain a positive outlook, and when all else fails, remember that independence doesn’t mean never asking for help. Realize how much other people value you—your colleagues, friends, and family. Allow your positive thoughts to fuel you and help you build up your inner strength. If you need more support during this difficult time, you should get that support. Your real friends and family will stand by you through hard times. Talk to your friends, other divorced women, or a professional to get the divorce advice you need. In fact, one out of every four people going through a divorce would consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

And that’s good. For if there was ever a time one should turn to experts, it’s during the life crisis of divorce. Those same people who’d “consider a therapist” might benefit from learning about the steps resulting from working with a coach. For at some point, you want to stop talking about your situation and DO something that is appropriate for your circumstances. And without regret.  Appropriate action lessens anxiety and can relieve stress.

Independent women know this. We know how to make the best out of what life gives us, to speak up, and to take control — all of which takes a certain boldness and action. This also means taking control of our mental wellbeing and making decisions that are in our best interest.

Stand up for your rights, and carefully think about your next steps

Parting with someone close to you can be an emotional and painful process. Making rational decisions during this time is difficult but essential. If you can do so now, your future will be more stable—both emotionally and financially. Many women find it helpful to create a plan to follow during and after the divorce so they don’t lose track of what is important. As a divorced woman, you have rights. Create a checklist of your next steps. Here are a few examples of tasks you can add to your checklist:

  • Seek professional, emotional divorce advice
  • Find a good financial advisor
  • Ensure your children understand the changes they’re experiencing

It is not always easy, but it is ever so important to be honest with your children and to talk to them about what is going on. Your intention might be to protect them, but this is a hard time for them as well. Now more than ever, they need to know that they are loved and that they don’t need to choose one parent over the other.

Not sure what steps you need to take? Here are some more tips for newly-divorced independent women.

Be yourself, and gather your strength for the future

In all stages of life, you should remain true to yourself and follow your own path. This is also very important when it comes to starting over after divorce. Remember: You are not just a wife or a mother. You will always be, first and foremost, you—an individual, an independent woman. You can decide for yourself where to go, what to do, and which values you cherish after divorce.

Sometimes the stress of going through a divorce can bring out our ugly sides, and a person can turn to intimidation and other forms of manipulation to get what they want or to spite their Ex. If you remain fair and refuse to fall into this trap, you will increase your chances of coming out the other side a much more positive and emotionally stable woman. Stay true to yourself and surround yourself with people who are important to you—people who love and support you. Celebrate the good times rather than dwelling on the past.

Take these 46 steps to ensure your divorce recovery.

Be patient—starting over after divorce takes time

Deciding to divorce was likely a long process, after all. The decision to part ways with the person who was once your other half is not taken lightly. The wait for the divorce to finalize can also be excruciating. Depending on how long you were married, the prenuptial agreement, children, and many other factors, the divorce process can take several months or years. This is not always easy so when you hit a low moment picture your life after divorce and what it will feel like to be in control again. If your divorce has just finalized, know that once the dust has settled life after divorce will get better.

Your reward: your new life after divorce

Life goes on. As you contemplated divorce, filed the paperwork, and waited for your attorney to tell you it was finally over, daily tasks and responsibilities continued to pile up. Your job, your children, your home—each of them needs your attention. Divorce is rarely easy. You might have even asked yourself, “How will I move on after divorce?” The truth is that starting over after divorce will bring up a lot of emotions, but mostly, women feel like taking a great sigh of relief. Both before and throughout the divorce process, it can feel like you’re holding your breath. Are you ready to let it out? Your life as an independent, divorced woman is waiting for you.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.“– SAS for Women.

 

 

Finding the true you after divorce

How to Move On and Discover Your True Self After Divorce

It’s tempting, and oh, so easy to believe that the hard work of divorce is completing the legal, financial, and practical steps you must take to officially dissolve your marriage. The black and white stuff. And Lord knows there’s a myriad of those logistical, challenges. You have to decide how you will divorce, how, or what kind of lawyer to use. You need to discover your ducks, get them in a row and hunt down papers, file, combine, fill out, let alone try to read.  You must develop your strategy and absorb stressful negotiations. All of which in total and individually is very difficult to navigate. Yet these steps have not transformed you. They have not delivered you to a place called Moved On after divorce.

To move on, to create a life worthy of you and filled with worth for you, you need to accept the invitation. It’s an invitation that is unspoken and easy to ignore. Yet, if you want what’s coming around your corner to be genuine, to be filled with meaning, discoveries, growth, joy, and peace, you must accept the invitation, and do the work.

Allowing yourself to heal after divorce

The unspoken invitation your divorce delivers is the opportunity to discover your true self.

Discovering the true you is a journey that not everyone opts for. Yet, the opportunity is there for everyone who divorces.

The reason so many decline or ignore the invitation is because accepting it first requires a genuine desire to heal. Some people prefer to remain bitter and angry, to remain the victim of their divorce, or to ignore healing in favor of beginning a new relationship as quickly as possible.

Although each of these responses is normal, none of them will help you cope with divorce or move on. In other words, these reactions to divorce won’t allow you to heal.

To heal properly, you need to deal with the emotional story, the wounds created by your divorce and the responsibility you played in bringing an end to your marriage.

Accepting that grief is a part of divorce

You lose a lot when you divorce. Obviously, you lose your spouse, your dreams of growing old together, and your lifestyle. But you could also lose your home, the ability to see your children daily, someone to help with the day to day tasks of living, friends, and so many other things you’ve grown accustomed to, both large and small.

And with the recognition of each loss, you’ll grieve.

Grief is a complicated emotion. It’s unique to each person which means your grief will be unlike the grief your friend may have experienced when she divorced. Grief is also nonlinear. You’ll feel like you’ve moved forward—like you are on your way to feeling better—but then something will happen. Suddenly, you’ll feel like you’ve been thrown back into the abyss of misery and you can’t get out of bed.

…And understanding that grief is complicated

The grief you’ll feel is also complicated by the fact that it isn’t just one emotion you feel before, during and after divorce but a range of them. And you probably started experiencing feelings of grief as soon as the possibility of divorce became a reality: back there when you were beginning the divorce process.  Or right now, after divorce, the grief ebbs and flows. It washes over you …

Thoughts of disbelief, that this can’t be happening to you—that’s shock and denial. Because your mind naturally protects you from taking in more information and pain than you can deal with at once, feeling this way is common when you don’t want to divorce.

You will probably suffer gut-wrenching pain about the end of your marriage and all the changes you must face during and after divorce as you work through your grief. Change is always painful, and changes of the magnitude required by divorce are often awful—at least at first.

As you continue coping with your divorce and grieving, don’t be surprised if you struggle with trying to understand why divorce is the answer to the problems present in your marriage. You might struggle with trying to assign blame.

At first you might even struggle to figure out what you did that caused your Ex to want to end your marriage. And when you think you have it all figured out, you may promise your Ex that you’ll change if he come back to you. But the firmer he stands in their decision to divorce, the more frustrated you’ll become.

Then, at some point, you may get so frustrated that you start blaming your Ex and feeling tremendous anger toward him because, in your eyes, he is the cause of all the pain and torment you’re feeling.

Another emotion you might encounter as you continue healing from your divorce is loneliness. You’re more likely to experience loneliness if you’ve lost friendships due to your divorce or if you don’t know other people who are divorced who are willing to support you through your healing process.

However, not all the emotions you may experience as part of working through your grief are negative. You can also feel hopeful about life after divorce. And when you do, you will begin to make plans for the future. These plans should not be the same as the logistical steps you needed to take to get through your divorce. These plans are things you want to do, things that make you smile and feel excited as you contemplate them.

Your grief is complex, nonlinear, and unique. You may or may not experience these emotions. That combined with the nebulous nature of healing from grief can make it seem never-ending. You can feel trapped in and at times engulfed by your grief.

Why leaning into (instead of avoiding) your grief is crucial to moving on after divorce

When you feel trapped and defeated by all that you’re going through it can be incredibly tempting to self-medicate yourself in order to numb the pain. Some people wind up declining the invitation to discover their true selves by over or under eating, drinking too much, looking for love through sex, or taking prescription and nonprescription drugs.

But the beauty of allowing yourself to experience your grief, so long as you maintain your desire to heal, is that you will continue to make small incremental steps toward feeling better.

It’s the compounding of these small incremental steps that will eventually lead you out of your grief with a new sense of who you truly are. It’s through the testing and trials you survive because of and after divorce that you learn to drop the BS, the masks, and the stories you used to hide behind.

When your emotional wound of grief has healed, you can finally face the world as you truly are—powerful, unique, lovable, and perfectly you.

Whether you are navigating the experience, or recreating after divorce, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Smart women around the world have chosen SAS For Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of Divorce.

Imagining life after divorce

My Life After Divorce: The Unexpected Gifts

For me, life after divorce is when time shifted. In fact, I measure things now in terms of  “A.D.” (after divorce) as opposed to “W.H.” ( — while I was “with him”). And A.D.? It’s my current epoch, and let me reassure you, A.D. is good.

But, you might be in another place right now, and you are not buying it. You wonder how YOU would cope and what your life after divorce would even look like. Understood. I remember all too vividly my imaginings, my fear of aloneness. It was dark. So dark it stopped me in my tracks for a long time. So maybe if I share a glimpse of reality, a few hours in the life of this graying divorceé, you might dare to imagine something else that is possible … for you.

My day begins, whenever I want. This morning it began with the light first filtering through my shade. I roll over. I remember it’s Sunday … also, I’ve peeked at the clock and seen it’s a double-win. It’s only 7:10 am. Not 8:10 am, because I have not adjusted the clock on the bureau since Day Light Savings Time came, and went.

When I do get up I am reminded my space is mine, and that even my bathroom gives me a charge. Not for its plunge pool tub, (there ain’t one) but because I find this room ALWAYS as I have left it. Immaculate (okay, so I am a bit of a neat freak … ). The towels are hung and dry from yesterday’s use. My worn clothes are in the hamper. The sink is clean. The toilet seat is down. My day seems expansive.

Then I look in the mirror. Oh, how easily I forget. I see myself, my age, and the traces of a story I can’t erase. But it was going to be so much worse, I remind myself, and even laugh. I have very much myself to thank for doing the greatest thing I feared and stepping away before I lost more. I pause. I am always pausing to take stock. It is part of my grieving process, my divorce recovery, my ongoing inventory of what has been lost, and what I have won.

Later, after breakfast, I tell myself I will not be married … to my computer today. That it’s all about managing relationships, and my relationships begin with me!! I will not spend my entire day with my computer, sitting, and not living. So I walk over to my computer and (…okay, I digress to boast more: the computer is my new baby. Though I’ve bought it used, I’ve installed it, connected it to the internet, and sunk it to my printer. And by God, the whole system works! Indeed, my entire tech-system (– inside this sweeping apartment of 600 feet) is managed and trouble-shot by me, and it all works. Today!

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES! I never thought I’d be my own Tech Troubleshooter! But like so many things that came my way After Divorce, becoming more tech savvy, more adaptable to what life threw my way, was something I have become very good at precisely because I didn’t have a man around.

These little and sometimes BIG victories make me wonder: if can do all that stuff I loathed and feared in the past, what else is possible?

I unplug my computer — is the point.

For possibility fills me with possibility, which reminds me of the audio course I bought,“An Introduction to Meditation,” and it’s been waiting for me, collecting dust for a good eight months. I wipe the dust from the audio jacket now and without overthinking, head to my stereo (the stereo that, you got it, was installed by me! Are they even called “stereos” anymore?) and I load the stereo pockets with 5 of the 12 disks. I think about when I might play these disks. When can I dedicate the time to really listen? I mean, this is meditation, do I even want to get real right now? It’s kind of early on a Sunday. Maybe I’ll go for a walk? When another button clicks in my head. I must stop over-thinking. Just push play.

I step back. And I am so glad I’ve begun.

What does a divorcée do with the rest of her life?

Whatever she chooses.

SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unique challenges women face when considering, navigating or living independently after divorce. SAS offers every woman a complimentary coaching session to help you understand exactly where you are and what you actually face next. SAS is committed to helping you discover the right step for you.