Five Things I Did Not Learn From My Divorce
As a man who has been through two divorces, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Huh, there are only five things he didn’t learn?” Truth be known there’s probably many, many more, ask my two ex-wives.
Having a strictly religious upbringing, I was taught that marriage is a perfect and sacred arrangement from God, and it is meant to last forever. Despite my two divorces I still firmly believe marriage to be so, the problem lies in the fact that it is an arrangement embarked upon by two imperfect people.
In All Honesty
I found the experience of divorce to be very damaging. It made me distrustful and slightly cynical. I suffered mentally and emotionally and even neglected myself physically. After my first divorce, it took me seven years before I could even contemplate another relationship. Similarly, after my second divorce it was another seven years before I met someone I felt I could trust. I recognized that both myself and my Exes had made mistakes, that’s obvious, but on a more positive note what did I take away from the experience, or not, as the case may be? There’s more to it than that.
Knowing and accepting one’s errors and being determined not to make them again is one thing, but like following a calorie-controlled diet, sticking to the plan can be more difficult in practice. Critically, we are who we are, the Bible puts it more eloquently – a leopard can’t change its spots. So here – in no particular order – are some of my reflections on divorce-generated life lessons.
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Comfortably Numb
Childhood fairy stories often start with a “once upon a time,” followed by some wild adventure, and then right at the end there’s just one hackneyed line devoted to the part where the two lovers get married “and they lived happily ever after.”
In comparison, the wild adventure was a cinch, it was the living “happily ever after” that I found to be the most challenging part, is it the same for everyone?
The trouble is, I got comfortable in my marriage, lazy is probably a better word. Everything seems to be going okay when suddenly you wake up and realize it’s not. It’s a bit like floating on an airbed in the ocean, you get comfy, and within yards from the shore, you nod off. You wake up later and find you’ve drifted out of your depth and into choppy waters, and you never saw it coming. Marriage can be like that. It’s not something you can take for granted, and I did. It takes diligent effort from both sides to make it successful. I didn’t put enough effort in, I didn’t water and nurture it, and like a neglected house plant it dried up and withered before my very eyes. Somehow – foolishly – I thought a long-lasting happy marriage would just happen.
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Swallow Your Pride
I’ve since realized that one of my main failings is the first in the list of the seven deadly sins: Pride. I find it immensely difficult to own up to my faults. Oh yes, it’s easy for anyone to admit I’m imperfect, but when it comes to specifics I find it almost impossible to face the cold hard truth. Being honest with myself is one thing, but to have it pointed out by someone else is the height of embarrassment for me. I also found that I was too proud to accept there was a problem. All my peers had gotten married and seemed happy enough, but when I experienced problems in my marriage, I was too embarrassed – too proud – to talk to anyone about it.
Perhaps I could have sought the advice of someone older and more experienced with whom I could have unburdened my fears and who could have offered some helpful words of wisdom. I felt like the odd one out, a complete failure when everyone else had succeeded. At the time, like a coward, I chose the path of least resistance, it seemed easier to cut and run rather than to face the music and try to work through it.
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Can You Hear It?
How well did I listen to my wife/wives? Not well enough it seems. There’s a vast difference between hearing and listening. I heard but I didn’t listen. To listen means to pay close attention; to be attentive. By way of illustration, I perform music with a friend in my spare time. If I don’t listen properly or find my thoughts wandering while we’re playing in front of a live audience, I can guarantee the whole thing will come crashing down. On the other hand, by staying focused, the music remains tight and strong and (hopefully) engaging to the listener. This musical relationship can be so close that when my friend goes off-piste from time to time, I can even predict what he is going to play before he plays it. If only I had applied myself more diligently in my husband-and-wife relationships.
Listening means looking beyond the actual verbal responses.
I discovered a long time ago that when a woman says something she sometimes means exactly the opposite. Answers too can sometimes disguise deeper, more affecting issues. And sometimes I was and still am oblivious to tensions and atmospheres. When I did sense that something wasn’t right I would ask “What’s wrong?” only to be met with “I shouldn’t have to explain,” or “You honestly don’t know?”
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A Closed Book
I also found it difficult to talk openly about sensitive subjects and to be honest about sex and relationships. Growing up, the very subject of sex was taboo in my household, like it was some dirty secret. I never had that talk with my father – he was probably petrified of it, too! Hence, I grew up feeling it was a topic that was off-limits. As a married man I was terrified by the words, “Can we talk?” and hoped she would conveniently forget about it or maybe the issue would resolve itself, of course, it never does. I once heard a saying: “Men think, women feel.” A sweeping statement to say the least, but I think there is some truth in it.
I still find it very difficult to be completely open about my feelings, and I hate myself for it. Do all men feel this way?
The way boys were/are raised may have some bearing on this: To cry was perceived as a weakness as if keeping your feelings bottled up is somehow manly. And, as an Englishman, there was still that claptrap about keeping a stiff upper lip and keeping one’s emotions in check.
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The Writing On The Wall
Like listening, it often pays to look beyond the obvious. Were those petty arguments about not putting the toothpaste cap back on, a sign that hid a more serious problem? Did I paper over the cracks rather than address the real reason we weren’t getting along? Looking back on my failed marriages it’s easy to blame the other person: “She did that,” or “she never once…” etc, but painful as it is, it’s sobering to reflect on how my actions may have impacted the relationship.
To this day I still have so many unanswered questions.
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In Conclusion
People are complicated, and the daily pressures of life in this troubled world are not to be underestimated. When I was in my 20s, I remember being so preoccupied with work and earning a living that I struggled to identify life’s main priorities. Time is the one thing you can never get back, and it is so precious. I wish I had used my time more wisely, spent more time reinforcing my marriage, and enjoyed more time with my children while they were growing up.
Even when writing this article, it dawned on me that I had spent most of the day sitting behind my computer and had barely spoken two words to my wife – yes, I got married a third time. I immediately went downstairs and checked to make sure she was okay and if she needed anything. We had a cup of tea and a chat about nothing in particular, but just like the thousands of tiny stitches that make up a garment, it’s often the little things that help hold everything together.
NOTES
Jack Akehurst is from England and relocated to northern Spain with his wife in 2021.
After a lifetime in sales, John is now a freelance writer and copy editor, with an interest in current affairs, animals, and music.
You can reach Jack at info@sasforwomen.com
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*SAS continues to support same-sex and nonbinary marriage. In this article, however, we refer to your spouse as husband/he/him.
