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Being nice when the Ex has a new girlfriend

Playing Nice with Your Ex’s New Girlfriend

When I was little, I used to take the goldfish bowl on our coffee table and wind that sucker down the length of the hall like a bowler on a bender. Off it would fly, water everywhere, mother rabid with exasperation, me laughing (and then crying from the butt swat), and the poor goldfish gasping on the olive shag carpet until my mother finally gave it to someone whose life lacked a two-year-old.

That’s a bit what divorce is like. There you are, swimming laps around your life. Maybe you’re bored and a little tired, but you’ve got your pink castle, plastic plants, and most of all, the guppy who shares your bowl. He may hang out in the tiki house too often and he makes an unholy mess of your carefully arranged blue gravel, but his presence reminds you that you are a cute and loveable fish. You know who you are partly because he is there. And suddenly (even though you know in your heart that it wasn’t really sudden), everything you know is gone and you can’t breathe from the shock and terror of it.

When this cataclysmic upending of your world happens, one of a million horrible-wonderful thoughts you have (in a span of minutes) is that it CANNOT get worse. Well, hello. It can. The universe may not always wear pigtails, but it can add insult to injury any old time it feels like it. For in swoops a seagull, freshly preened and glossy. Yes, this bird has absolutely no place in the living room or anywhere near your pink castle. But there it is.

Where did this bird come from? Back in your bowl, breathing again but still stupefied, you watch helplessly as she lands on the coffee table, and then takes a beady look at your guppy guy like he’s king salmon. Then swoosh, she scoops him up out of the bowl you’ve shared for as long as you can remember and off she flies. With him! And not only is he not afraid or even looking back at you, he jumps right into her snappy yellow bill and appears to enjoy it, immensely.

Your Ex has a new girlfriend, and the seagull is her. Two months after you’ve left the home you bought together 10 years earlier, where you harvested apples and got engaged and made up rich inner lives for your cats, he’s got a freaking girlfriend. She flew in and helped herself to your (Ex) husband and made herself right at home where she didn’t belong—with the person in your life who was closest to you, who listened to your dreams in the middle of the night, and who told you that you are beautiful, that he’d love you forever.

I know the whole goldfish bowl metaphor is oversimplified, and depending on what stage of divorce you’re in, it may even seem glib. But here’s the thing…

It’s temporary

I would not have been able to be glib about giving up my partner—about the dissolution of what I thought was my whole life’s context—two months or even a year later. I can now. You need to know that the ragged terror, the horrible grief, the jealousy, the rage—they really do end. The paralysis, the apathy, the sense that we disappear when our marriage does—all of that is temporary.

Meanwhile, nutso is the new normal for a while. You’re bouncing from bowl to shag carpet, or to just shagging, and back again, and that is not only normal, it’s ok. But when your Ex has a new girlfriend, jealousy can make the shag rug feel like broken glass, though. A friend of mine who’d been married since she was 18 and was, after 37 years, happily divorcing, told me, “You are going to have a different, really intense emotion every five seconds. You’ll go from great to bawling and screaming, and then you’ll be great again. It’s ok. It’ll pass.” But even though this friend was happy to be divorcing, she still hated her husband’s new girlfriend. She knew it wasn’t rational, but she couldn’t help it. I’m guessing this is also normal, but who wants to stay in this phase forever? We want to let our Ex go. For me, that meant letting it out.

Let it out

Let it out, girl, but do it in private. Publicly, fake it ’til you make it, as the saying goes. “You are becoming the version of yourself you want to be,” as a dear friend of mine puts it. Until then, cry in the shower. Scream in the car, in an empty lot. Punch the crap out of your mattress when the kids are at school. Write in your journal about getting her in a headlock and shaving off patches of her hair. Work out hard (I highly recommend cardio kickboxing). It’s a simple matter of pride: keep it civil on social media (or stay off of it), keep it to yourself at work as much as you can, and DON’T do what a friend of mine did, which was to go to the house they still co-owned to pick up some clothes and detour into the bedroom long enough to sprinkle toilet water on their red-clad pillows.

Yep. She did that. She wasn’t proud of it; that was NOT the version of herself she wanted to be. It was a tantrum. It was juvenile, more than a little disgusting, and definitely not playing nice with her Ex’s girlfriend. But eventually she started caring a lot more about who she was becoming than who her Ex was with now. She acted in ways she was proud of, like when one of their dear cats was diagnosed with cancer not long after they ended things, and her Ex wanted his girlfriend there with them for the euthanasia. She said yes, not only because she wanted to be that version of herself, but because she genuinely could be.

Laugh

The pillowcase baptism may not have been the way to go (no pun intended), but it illustrated her to herself. And it sure made for a great story later. Her sheepish telling of that story made her friends laugh their asses off, which made her able to laugh at herself.

You really do need to laugh about any part of this thing as soon and as often as you can. Laughter, like working out, boosts endorphin levels without chemical assistance and forces fresh oxygen into your blood stream. It’s literally a breath of fresh air. It clears away grief, makes recognizing the new world you’re in easier, and it bubbles away fear like hydrogen peroxide on blood. From there, the moments when you can feel your new self emerging grow longer. You become more real to yourself in this context instead of the old one. Yes, your Ex has a new girlfriend, but now you start wondering what the pond might be like too. And as you let it out, let it go, and laugh, you reach the next phase of recognition.

It isn’t her fault

It isn’t. Even if your Ex has a new girlfriend who he was involved with while you were still married, he was the one who committed to you, not her. While we’re still feeling grief and rage, we want to blame something or someone outside ourselves, and it’s a lot easier to blame the interloper than the person who was Our Person. The Seagull instead of The Guppy.

The relationship you’ve left, the one that cracked under the strain of something whether it was a fear of change, denial about being unhappy, or a role that didn’t fit one or both of you well—it belonged to you and your Ex. You shared that fishbowl. It may not seem like it, but no two-year-old in pigtails actually upended it. You outgrew it. It cracked open because on some level you and your curiosity were getting too big for it. Whether you realized it or not.

There’s no comparison

If you truly didn’t realize it, divorce is a rude awakening, to say the very least. Adding in a new partner in your Ex’s life sharpens the pain and turns up the volume on that voice inside your head that tells you “something about me wasn’t enough.” It’s almost impossible not to, but comparing yourself to her is fruitless and damaging, so try not to do it. Stop doing it as soon as you can. You are not a lightbulb. There is no replacement for you.

“Jealousy, that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation, can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival,” writes author, relationship expert and scientist, Helen Fisher.

When your Ex has a new girlfriend, stop contemplating her in any way that isn’t strictly practical and strategic to moving on. The only valid comparison involves looking back on your old self, not at her. In a future a lot less distant than you think, you will look back at life in the bowl with your guppy and the gull won’t even matter. Because you will have jumped from the bowl into the pond and started swimming.

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer and former journalist living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves word craft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys her cat’s input on her rough drafts (talk about snark), her new guy and the freedom of being her own partner. Connect with Jennifer here.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

“Divorce can be on your terms.” ~ SAS for Women.

Tips for Women for Love and Health

Tips for Women Taking a Holistic Approach to Love and Health

When you hear about taking care of your health, your mind almost instantly goes to tips for women about eating well and exercising—about not “letting yourself go.” The reality is that there is more to people than their physical bodies and digestive systems. There is mental health wellness, like taking care of yourself emotionally and acknowledging that being sexual is both healthy and necessary, for instance.

To take a holistic approach to enhancing your health, all areas need to be addressed. Ensure that your love life isn’t neglected and give it as much care as you do your physical and mental well being. It can sometimes be difficult to determine where to start depending on where you are in life, but these tips for women should be a good jumping off point and hopefully get you motivated.

Learning and recognizing what your sexual needs are

Just as there are people who enjoy hitting the gym regularly, jogging every morning, or doing aerobics at home, everyone has different sexual needs. Human sexuality is intrinsic and natural. Whether you are single or in a committed relationship, you have to make your sexual needs a priority. Human sexuality is based on more than just physical satisfaction. There are elements such as intimacy, variety, and even expression.

Learning what exactly your sexual needs are can be hit or miss. But after divorce, it’s important to experiment and educate yourself so that you can fulfill your needs the same way you do in other aspects of your life.

Enhancing your love life

Besides accepting the fact that all humans have sexual urges and needs and that they’re natural, there’s also the fact that there’s nothing wrong with utilizing enhancements. There are many different items, supplies, and enhancements that can be used to improve your love life.

Even if you aren’t normally the adventurous type, trying out different types of sex toys and enhancements can really change and improve the way you feel about yourself. Some would describe the best strap-on sex toy as one that allows both people to feel satisfied. Wet for Her is a good company to check out if you are looking for sex-positive accessories and toys you can incorporate into your sex life. (Remember, experimentation is good—there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.)

Experimenting in the bedroom

You might have a set routine when it comes to intimacy. Things may begin, proceed, and end very similarly nearly every time. But routines can become habitual in a way that’s no longer exciting, and experimentation helps people have the best overall sexual health.

Now being sexually “adventurous” or even just being open to trying out new toys, positions, etc. isn’t something that you have to do all the time. In fact, many couples choose to experiment only on a semi-regular basis. When you find what works for you, it isn’t really necessary to reinvent the wheel. Instead try to think of experimenting in the bedroom as a much-welcome surprise that you get to endeavor in every once in a while.

Becoming empowered

At times, taking care of your health and love life can be difficult. Especially if your love life might be going through a rough patch. For most people, this can happen during a breakup or even after divorce. When you part ways with someone you have been in a relationship with for a very long time, your sexual health might be something that you put on the back burner.

It’s important during times of difficulty that you take the time to continue to explore your sexuality—empower yourself with it. While exploring you might discover things that benefit you that you were unaware of before. These are tips for women, specifically, because we don’t know often give ourselves permission to be completely selfish.

Just as you should exercise on a regular schedule and avoid eating unhealthily, your sexual health must be a priority. Take some time to be celibate and clear your mind if you’re single or getting over a break-up. If you’re in a relationship, be open to trying new things and listen to your partner’s suggestions.

At the same time, don’t be shy when it’s your turn to speak up. If there is something going on in the bedroom you want to talk about, make your thoughts known. Likewise, if you and your significant other have recently tried something new that you really enjoy, don’t hesitate to let him* know what makes you happy. As you continue on your divorce journey know that when you take a holistic approach to your health, a happy love life naturally follows.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body.  

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

 

*At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

A woman looking for love after divorce

The Blessings of Finding Love After Divorce

Dating has its ups and downs after being divorced. The frustration and fear of not meeting the right person and potentially cycling through a failed marriage again is almost enough to discourage you from the process altogether. Is finding love after divorce really possible? Is the risk of being hurt again worth it?

You want to feel like one of those independent and strong divorced women you’re always hearing about. You want to feel like you’re ready to move on, but you’re not actually sure what that looks like. In fact, you can’t even remember why you shouldn’t give up the search for your ideal partner entirely.

It may take longer and a little more effort than you had anticipated, but ultimately, you’ll be glad you pushed through because there is love after divorce and it’s better than you imagined. In the meantime, there’s nothing wrong with being single and embracing your independence as you continue your quest.

But if you need a reminder of why there are blessings in finding love after divorce, then look no further. We can help you get back in touch with your inner-romantic.

Feels like home

Wouldn’t dates be so much better if you could skip the small talk and just be comfortable with one another? That’s one of the benefits of finding your partner. Conversations become more meaningful, or better yet, you can spend time together without needing to speak non-stop and fill up every silent pause. Your partner can act as a sounding board for how to approach your problems or ideas, and he* can be there for you if you feel out of sorts. When you travel together, you don’t feel so homesick because you’ve brought a piece of your life along with you.


Worried you are “Destined for Rebound Relationships?” You’ll want to learn more about yourself in this piece.


Fired up by the familiar

If you don’t have the opportunity to spend too much time together, the thought of seeing your partner after a long absence is a wonderful feeling. Doing simple things, like being in his presence while watching a movie and eating pizza, can become some of your favorite pastimes. Even mundane activities, like household chores or grocery shopping, become fun undertakings.

And then, of course, there are times when the daily grind of work and life may take its toll, and you may not want to do anything or talk to anyone. That’s when just being together is enough.

The power of touch

Touching is about more than just sex. It includes the small stuff, too. Holding hands and hugging may seem trivial, but they actually have powerful effects on our overall well-being.

Simple human contact boosts oxytocin levels, which is shown to decrease feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. Grabbing your partner’s hand or giving into a spontaneous embrace are gestures that stimulate the pleasure center of the brain—no matter how inconsequential they seem.

Being yourself

We all have weird quirks and idiosyncrasies. When you meet the right person, you can be yourself. You and your partner don’t have to share the same interests or mannerisms to get along. Often, people who have opposite personalities and different interests just click and complement each other.

In reality, of course, not everyone’s peculiarities mesh well over the long-term. Things that seemed endearing at the onset of a relationship lose their charm. But then, that’s what dating is all about—you can figure out exactly what you need in a partner to truly be yourself.

With all the positives that come with finding love after divorce, it’s worth putting in the work. Nothing worthwhile comes easy. If you’re thinking about calling it quits on the dating scene, maybe you just need to rethink your strategy. Not all relationships after divorce will be rebounds. But there are certainly different types of men that youll meet, and not all of them are the right fit for you.

When conventional methods of meeting people are proving to be less than successful, try alternatives like dating sites. There’s no need to settle when you have access to a variety of websites and apps that specialize in everything from certain age ranges and religious backgrounds to interracial dating. Expanding your options will afford you so many more opportunities to find love after divorce.

Being divorced shouldn’t be seen as a failure. It should be seen as a closed chapter and an open door. You’re ready to start this new chapter—you’re brave enough to walk through that door. Your divorce recovery starts now.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce and re-creation. Now you can learn the Art of Reinvention through Palomas Group, our virtual, online post-divorce group coaching class for women only. To promote sisterhood and protect confidentiality, space is limited.

* This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

post divorce

Post Divorce: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Your Next Relationship

When you get out of a long-term relationship or marriage, the newfound freedom can feel both exhilarating and daunting, especially if you’ve felt trapped or unhappy for a long time.

In your post divorce/new found life, you can now do things you couldn’t do before.

You can stay out late when your Ex has the kids.

You don’t have to answer to him* anymore (at least not like you used to).

You can be your own woman and show up in the world in a way that you felt you haven’t been able to in a very long time.

You’re a free agent! Part of you just wants to do something different, have a good time, and be who you really are.

You’re conscious of what happened with your Ex

In retrospect, you realize maybe you kind of fell into your past relationships. And now years later, you wondered what truly happened—what about those people drew you to them—and if that pain could’ve been avoided.

Maybe you’re already in a budding romance. There’s amazing chemistry. Things are moving quickly. And you haven’t felt this deep a connection with any other man before. You’re wondering where he’s been all your life.

At the same time, there’s a part of you that’s scared. You really want it to last. But you’re afraid of making the same mistakes. You’re worried about overlooking red flags and ending up with a different version of your Ex.

I feel you. This post divorce stage in life can be exciting and confusing at the same time. But it doesn’t have to lead to heartbreak.

If you want to avoid making the same mistakes in your next relationship, there are five things you can do to help set yourself up for relationship success and give yourself the best chance of finding a committed relationship that lasts.

To be clear, this is not to say that your previous relationships were mistakes or that you did anything wrong. Every experience no matter how painful can bring powerful new awareness to our life.

The truth is, we don’t know what we don’t know. You’ve already acknowledged that you want to avoid making the same “mistakes,” that you want to be more conscious on your dating journey, and that’s the first step.

So how do you actually get conscious and avoid making the same “mistakes”?

Get a clear vision of the kind of life and relationship you ultimately want

Your vision is the dream that lives inside you for the kind of life and relationship that you ultimately want. It’s where you want to live, how you want to live, and the kind of work or career that’s deeply fulfilling for you. It’s the kind of relationship that you really want.

Not just the qualities you’re looking for in a partner but rather a clear and conscious picture of the kind of experience that you want in a partnership. It’s about knowing what that partnership looks like and feels like.

Having a clear vision for the kind of life and relationship you want—before you start dating—is important because being conscious of your vision will help you avoid getting deeply involved with someone who doesn’t want the same things you want from life.

For example, if your dream is to have more kids or travel around the world, getting deeply involved with someone who is done having kids or who hates travel is only going to end in deep disappointment for the both of you.

So, if you don’t know what your vision is for the kind of life and relationship that you want, take the time to explore and get clear before you date to find your next serious relationship.

In the meantime, take a break from dating or date for fun, and avoid getting deeply involved until you’re clear on what you want in life and in a partnership.

Be aware of your relationship history and patterns

Being aware of your relationship history and patterns is about knowing, for example, why you seem to be irresistibly attracted to guys who [insert bad habit, problem, or “character flaw” here].

It’s about knowing what part you might have played in the demise of a relationship. It’s about knowing where you have wounds or scars so that when your insecurities get triggered (and they will), you’ll know where the feelings are coming from. And you’ll know whether a relationship issue is simply a story you’re telling yourself or if it’s a real red flag.

The saying is true: those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. Without conscious awareness of our patterns, we’re not aware of the whys behind our decisions. But when we’re empowered with awareness, we can consciously make different choices that support our relationship goals instead of detracting from them.

Know your relationship requirements

Relationship requirements are your nonnegotiables. Requirements are what you absolutely require in a relationship in order for a relationship to work for you. They’re your dealbreakers.

They’re qualities of a relationship that you feel so strongly about that you would end a relationship if even one of them was missing.

If you’ve thought about or are living your life post divorce, chances are that you have some idea of what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship.

So looking at your relationship history (all your relationships), in addition to looking at why your marriage ended, will give you valuable clues into what your dealbreakers are post divorce.

We tend to think of relationship requirements as qualities that we want our partner to have.

But the best way to approach this is to think about the experience that you want to have in a partnership.

So, for example, if your Ex cheated on you and you know that that’s a deal breaker for you, then your requirement might be monogamy and being faithful.

Or if you’re thinking you require open and honest communication in a partnership, what’s most important is to know exactly what that looks like and feels like for you in the kind of partnership that you want to have.

In other words: how would you know that you had open and honest communication in your relationship if you saw it?

The incredible value of knowing your relationship requirements is knowing exactly what to look for when you’re dating so that you can more quickly and effectively screen potential partners post divorce.

By knowing your relationship requirements, you’ll know exactly what you’re “testing” for in your relationship as you get more deeply involved, so you avoid wasting your time with guys who aren’t a match and only spend your time with quality men who have long-term potential. The kind of men who vibe with your vision of life post divorce.

Post divorce, get real clear on your needs and wants

Your needs and wants are related to your vision and requirements in that they’re part of what you need in order to have a happy and fulfilling life and relationship.

Your needs are what you need in a relationship in order for the relationship to work for you.

They’re different from requirements in that requirements are dealbreakers, whereas an unmet need wouldn’t necessarily mean you would end the relationship.

We have functional and emotional needs.

Functional needs are what we need in a relationship in order for it to work. For example, if you’re a punctual person but your boyfriend tends to run late, that’s going to create an issue for you.

It might not be a deal breaker, but it raises an issue because your need for punctuality is not being met.

Emotional needs are what we need to feel loved.

For example, for many people, it’s really important to experience affection and appreciation in a relationship. You might be thinking, “Well, of course! Wouldn’t that be a dealbreaker to not have affection and appreciation in a relationship?”

Not necessarily.

The difference between needs and requirements are that requirements are black and white. They’re absolute, they’re dealbreakers. They have the power to end a relationship.

Unmet needs raise an issue, but they’re not dealbreakers.

So if your honey forgot your anniversary once or didn’t give you a kiss when he got home from work, would you end the relationship? Probably not. But it might certainly raise an issue for you.

And then “wants” are the icing on the cake. They’re the qualities of a relationship that you would like to have, but it’s not critical to your happiness or to the functioning of a relationship for you.

It’s so important to know your needs and wants because, like knowing your requirements, it will help you screen potential partners for long-term compatibility. If you’re not clear on what your needs are, how would you know whether your potential partner can even meet them?

Having your needs met is key to your long-term happiness. So dating with your needs in mind will help you make the right choices with men.

Practice conscious dating

The fifth key to avoiding making the same mistakes in your next relationship is to practice conscious dating, which means bringing all these important elements together—your vision, needs, and requirements—and using them as powerful tools to screen for compatibility and (this is a really big one) to balance your heart with your head.

It’s about consciously taking the time to evaluate whether you’re ready for a relationship, focusing on “getting ready” if you’re dating to find a committed partnership, and resolving anything (like legal ties to your Ex) that might interfere with the growth and success of a new romance post divorce.

When you’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and start dating for fun, or when you’re head over heels in a new romance, it’s so easy to get caught up in the chemistry and attraction.

Don’t get me wrong, chemistry and attraction are important elements for connection and bringing people together. They have an important purpose in dating and relationships!

But we get into trouble when we make relationship decisions based on chemistry and attraction alone.

Having a clear vision for the kind of relationship you want and being conscious of your requirements, needs and wants (and the differences between them) empowers you to stay objective, avoid getting distracted, and ultimately be deeply true to yourself and your relationship goals.

So whether you’re reveling in your newfound freedom or exploring a new romance, I invite you to go slow in your break up or divorce recovery, date with intention, and keep your eyes wide open.

Take this time for yourself to “get ready” for a relationship. Clarify your dreams and goals for your life and the partnership that you ultimately want to have. It can be an opportunity for amazing clarity and deep self-awareness that will help you find and create a life that you love…with the love of your life.

Melissa Josue is a dating and relationship coach for smart successful women who are frustrated that they keep attracting men who are emotionally unavailable or aren’t ready to commit. She helps them spot red flags before they get hurt, confidently know when to stay or go, and attract a highly compatible partner who’s ready to make them a priority, so they can have a happy, committed relationship. Learn more about how to be a “Conscious Dater” and download free resources here.

*This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Online dating after divorce

How to Protect Your Mental Health While Online Dating After Divorce

Divorce is always a very hard process to go through. People feel a lot of stress. On top of that, they face various trust issues, sometimes creating an entirely new circle of people to surround themselves with. When it comes to new romantic relationships, many people turn to online dating. They can easily create a profile, introduce themselves to other people, and try their luck dipping into the dating pool. With so many great websites around today, there are lots of easy ways to filter out the people who don’t share the same interests as you and find the ones who do.

But online dating isn’t for everyone. If not used with care, things can get out of hand. With so many people using online dating apps, there’s a high chance your first few dates might not go as planned. Many men and women have stories of hilarious dates they had while online dating after divorce but just as many have their share of horror stories. Here’s how to manage your expectations and protect yourself while online dating:

1. Don’t have high expectations

Some profiles might seem perfect, but as you venture into the world of online dating, be sure not to have any high expectations. Read all of the profiles fully, and try to picture the person who it represents. In today’s world, plenty of people use filters and layer on makeup, so now more than ever, don’t let looks fool you.

Stay real, and quit looking for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. That person doesn’t exist. Yes, if you’re reading this, you’re likely living your life after divorce—that marriage that was dragging you down, you’re past that now—and you’ve been given a newfound appreciation of yourself. But even you are not perfect, so if that’s what you’re looking for: stop now.

If you have expectations from the people you meet through online dating websites or applications, you’ll most likely also have presumptions. Having presumptions is bad—it can result in huge disappointments and an extremely (and awkward) bad date. Instead, keep yourself cool, be patient, and do not invest all of yourself into someone you may have just met only a couple of days ago. After a divorce, it will be hard not to expect things from your new life, but that’s dating for you.

2. But don’t lower your standards

You just got divorced. In the future, you’ll want to pick a partner who’s a better fit for you long-term. You only now know your true value, and you finally respect yourself as you deserve it. Do not mess it all up by bringing down your standards. Do not let anyone fool you. Go look for someone who makes you feel like a better person than you already are. You do not need anyone who will make you less good.

Your time, your energy, and your heart are priceless things—do not fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Try to show the best of you only after you are certain that someone is actually worth it.

3. You don’t have to reply to everyone who messages you

You might feel like answering everyone who messages you is the right thing to do. But it isn’t. You should actually avoid replying to everyone. When you get a message and the first feeling you get about this person is negative, just don’t answer at all. There are many shady accounts out there and even bots. Listen to your own intuition, and do not fall for any weird ideas. There are millions of people using online dating websites today. If you tried to reply to all of them, you would likely find that the majority of them would not be a good fit for you as a partner. Online dating is part luck, yes, but it’s also about carefully picking the people you talk to.

4. Sparks don’t always need to fly the first date (and maybe that’s a good thing)

Most of your first dates will not make you feel any fireworks, and if they actually do, you should be extra careful. Both men and women know how to create that firework sensation if they want to. Keep this in mind. After all, you now have enough experience not to be fooled. If your first date is all about fireworks, it might be because your date wants it to be. Consider the possibility that a date that’s all sparks flying and no substance is a warning sign! If you want a real connection, you don’t want someone who is all about sex.

But give your dates a couple of chances before you erase them from your life. Maybe certain dates will not seem all that romantic, but it’s really all about the personality of the person. Not everyone finds romance to be important.

5. Stay real, and be yourself

Did you know that the majority of Americans claim online dating is a good way to meet people? Dating websites are great, but they can make you forget about your own reality. Be mindful, and do not allow yourself to get pulled into the fantasy. Stay connected with your friends and family. Keep your sanity, and make sure you actually have fun with the process.

To make it all more interesting, try asking someone to help you with your profile. According to Pew research, one-in-five online daters actually asked someone else to help them out with their profile creation.

6. Talk to your friends and family

There is no shame in using a dating website today. Many people have tried them, and they often talk about using them openly. If you are unsure about how some things work or you simply want advice, don’t be shy. Open up! Your friends will appreciate the fact that you decided to be so honest with them. They might even be able to offer you some great advice and help you stay real while you look for a new partner. It is usually our friends and our family that help us go through the whole divorce process. Keep loved ones around and appreciate them just as much as they have proved to appreciate you.

Finding a good match on an online dating website is possible, if properly done. You can find the partner who you’re destined to be with. You can feel sparks fly once again, and remind yourself that you are worth it all.

 

Alan Smith is a psychologist by profession, dating coach by choice, contributing writer of “DoULikeBlog.” Alan helps single moms cope with stress, meet new people, and stay fit. He has helped many families from breaking apart and keeps reducing the divorce rate throughout Europe.

This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you. Schedule you free, 45 minute consultation with SAS. Whether you are coping or already navigating your life afterward, a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.

 

Woman staying safe w online dating

Online Dating: 5 Must Do’s for Staying Safe After Divorce

Online dating makes us feel like we’re being proactive. If you’re “on the market,” you don’t have to wait for a friend to introduce you to so-and-so’s best friend’s brother or throw back one-too-many cocktails as you wait for someone to catch your eye at another bar or party. No, now you can swipe left and right as you wait in line at the grocery store or sit in front of the TV. But there are just so many dating apps out there—Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match.com, eharmony, OkCupid, PlentyOfFish. So many, in fact, that you shouldn’t be surprised if you see some of the same faces on multiple platforms!

The world of online dating is so popular that it’s almost impossible to keep away from, but it’s a world that has a dark side. Using a dating app to “get out there” can feel like learning a whole new language to a newly divorced woman, especially one who married long before the internet was up and running (like me). I’ve had many dates and some relationships through dating apps, and I’ve found most of the men* to be very kind and polite. But that’s not always the case.

I was glad to not have shared my full name with a couple of the men I’ve met online—if I had, I might not have heard the last from them after the date flopped. Some men insisted on knowing personal details early on. Harmless? Maybe. But these men are strangers, and you should always put your safety first.

Although this is a blog for divorced women, men can also benefit from using the online dating safety tips below. So don’t be shy about sharing these suggestions with some of the men in your life. A recent story in Arizona illustrates the importance of staying safe when online dating.

If you are a divorced woman, there are several thing things to keep in mind when gearing up to date online. But for this post, I’m going to focus on keeping you safe when using dating apps and interacting with strangers. These recommendations are in addition to basic safety practices like…

  • Always meeting in a public place
  • Letting a friend know when and where your date is
  • Not revealing personal information, like your full name, too early as this can easily be linked to your home and work addresses

I want you to explore and have fun—you’ve been through a lot, and your divorce recovery has been hard-won. But putting you and your safety first is nonnegotiable, even if it means a bit more work and assertiveness on your part!

So here are 5 Must Do’s for staying safe when online dating.

1. Set up an email account just for people you’re interacting with on dating apps

Don’t set up the account with your full name. For example, create a new Gmail account, and instead of using the name “Jennifer Parker,” use an email address that no one would recognize, like [email protected]

Some dating apps require you to link your account to Facebook. Pay attention to what information is being uploaded to the dating app. You may need to set up another Facebook account with less information (not a “phony” account full of fake information—just less) than your primary one.

2. Do not give out your “real” cell phone number

Instead, set up a Google Voice account (you can do this while you’re setting up your new Gmail account). Many times, a cellphone number can reveal the name of the person who owns the account. If you don’t believe me, type a friend’s cell phone number or your own into Google.

A guy once asked me way too many questions about my cell phone number. Why was it a different area code? (Google Voice can run out of numbers in certain area codes, but you can choose one from anywhere in the country.) Was it a real cell phone number? Why couldn’t I give him my iPhone number? Could I “please, please, please” switch to my real cell phone number so we could FaceTime? This was all prior to even meeting for a date! I politely declined, canceled our date, and blocked him. (Blocking someone on Google Voice is even better than on the iPhone as even voicemails will not come through. They simply get a message that the number was disconnected. Done!)

3. Don’t give out or use your full name on the app

This is especially true if you have an unusual name. For example, if your name is Marietta and you live in Glen Cove, NY, running a search for those two facts alone will likely reveal your full name and address. So, instead, perhaps use Mari and put down a nearby town or large city.


Related:  100 Must Do’s for the Newly Divorced Independent Woman


4. Don’t include pictures of yourself that you’ve posted elsewhere

Thanks to Google reverse image search pictures can be traced back to other sources. If you use your LinkedIn or Twitter profile picture, there’s a good chance anyone looking hard enough could find you there.

But even without Google, posting images you’ve shared elsewhere can be dangerous. I have a friend who used her Facebook profile picture on a dating app. One guy looked through Facebook for people in her town, found her picture, and showed up on her doorstep. So don’t do it. Be safe.

5. Limit what you reveal

If you’re a pediatric dentist and live in Pasadena, that information can help someone find out your full name, address, and more. Be vague about the details of your life and profession. I’m not talking about someone you’ve gone on several dates with but someone who you’ve only just started seeing.

Trust your gut (don’t demand that your gut give you a logical reason). If anything seems off, walk away. If your date reveals his actual name, a simple internet search may tell you some things about him. (Google for yourself to see.) I took this a step further once when a guy I was planning to meet had 12 criminal records, according to my Google search. I told myself, if I couldn’t figure out what that was all about, I was going to cancel the date due to a permanent case of “the flu.” Instead, I bought a one-month membership to Instant Checkmate and found out he’s just a really bad driver (all traffic violations—nothing actually criminal).

There are men out there who will be insulted or annoyed that you won’t reveal what they want to know before you’re comfortable. (I should know—I’ve met a couple of them.) In my experience, when a relationship moves past the first few dates and I develop a sense of trust, telling my date that my name is Elyse and not Ellie isn’t a big deal. Your date will understand and think: Why, what a smart woman she is. Hiding your full name or your phone number is hardly the same as, say, refusing to reveal your real age. Any date who would make a big deal out of you staying safe when online dating is not worth another moment of your time. So don’t take it personally—just move on!

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. Whether you navigating divorce or already rebuilding your life after the overwhelming experience, one thing making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not reinvent alone. We invite you to schedule a free 45-minute consultation with SAS to hear feedback, next steps, resources and best practices for creating the life you deserve.

*This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

How long does it take to get over a divorce

How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce? And 4 Signs You are On Your Way

There’s a saying about getting over someone—that it takes half the time you spent together to truly move on. That means six months of wallowing for a year-long relationship—time that might drag on endlessly, or time that might fly by faster than you can blink. But for longer relationships? Those marriages that have spanned years and possibly decades? The waiting period is a whole other discussion, a conversation we are going to have now.

Because after divorce, you want your life back. But a part of you is still reliving the past, turning your marriage over and over like a skipping stone in your hand. A stone that, at some point, you have to drop. You have to let it go. For the truth of the matter is spending the next decade missing your Ex—and feeling sorry for yourself—is even more depressing than your actual divorce.

So you aim to help yourself, you start researching. You ask friends, you ask family (or maybe they ask you), “How long is it supposed to take to get over a divorce, anyway?” Yet, you get nothing in return, but differing answers leading to more questions.

Now you’re here reading, and we are with you. We know that sometimes arming yourself with knowledge is the best way you can feel in control, especially when it comes to all-things-divorce. So, how long does it take?

What science says

Past studies suggest that it takes a person, on average, eighteen months to move on after divorce, while others simply leave it at “it’s complicated.” And that’s the truth—divorce is complicated, and because of this, science is only so accurate. Some study participants, for instance, might have been separated before getting a divorce, while others had only just broken things off. Other participants may have wanted a divorce, while others still wanted to try to make their marriages work.

What is clear is that even when marriages look the same on paper, their insides are messy, intricate things that can’t be examined like a math equation.

What experience says

What we know, despite what our loved ones tell us or even what science says, is that people often discover they’ve “moved on” almost unconsciously. They wake up one morning, and the sadness they’ve been carrying feels different, less of a weight than a kind of memory. You’re in the middle of a conversation, for instance, or you are out shopping in the grocery store, and you see the latest tabloid announcing another celebrity divorce when you remember your own divorce, what you’re supposed to be grieving, or “missing” or reverberating from. Only you don’t so much. You feel stabilized. It’s not that you’re unaware of the scars you are wearing, but you own them now. And best of all, you no longer care. 

This not caring is freeing! It seems to happen a little sooner when you have distance from your Ex. That means no “let’s be friends.” No late-night, I’m-feeling-sorry-for-myself phone calls. No hookups “for old times sake.” In fact, to help with your healing, you must consider your past relationship like a drug, for a certain time at least. You have to cut off your exposure to the drug and to its many triggers.

You have to re-circuit your brain and teach it to do new things rather than reach for the phone to “let him have it” or to beg. (Drink a glass of water every time you want to call your Ex!) Limit your triggers of being reminded of him*. Unfriend him, or better yet, block your Ex on social media. Delete his number from your phone. If you are coparenting with him, only communicate through Family Wizard. This is about creating a buffer for the new and emerging you to grow. It’s not about adding to your confusion and grief by constantly being near the man you once thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.

But what if you aren’t grieving your “Was-band”? But grieving the loss of who you were in the marriage? Who you used to be? The lifestyle you enjoyed? The summer rituals you shared? What about the friends and family who played a role in that former life of yours?

Life after divorce is a whole new way of living, and it means almost by definition … change. A lot of change. You need time to grapple with the changes and the many losses you have suffered, ignored, or even, created. So really, when we ask how long does it take to recover from divorce? We are talking about the time it takes until “You’ve Got Your Groove Back.”

But what if you are tone—or you can’t dance? Getting your groove back does not explain what you are striving for?

In our 46 Steps to Divorce Recovery, A Definition and A Guide, we define this moment in time, post-divorce, as a process, a journey of its own within divorce where the  “emotional and practical restructuring and healing” is a “constant, cyclical process in which you are broken down and built back up numerous times until finally, you are whole again.”

Another way of saying this is, you will know when you are healed when all the shattered pieces come back together in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself.

What you can do to help yourself move on

The very fundamental desire to heal is your beginning. Now you must take steps. Try to avoid doing things that smack of those old familiar patterns and people you miss. At first, fighting these instincts will be hard, because during your marriage you probably did everything you could to bring all these things together—the people, the routines, the joys, the rituals. You tried to make the most of your marriage. But now your challenge is to create your “new normal,” and to do that, you’ll have to rediscover yourself and who you are now.

Some women find that their divorce recovery takes years, while others find that they’ve prepared for divorce so long that within months or weeks they already feel better than they have in years. To those in the latter camp, we say, yes, you may be feeling better. But don’t lose sight of the work and steps you must still be taking to ensure your healthy independence. Doing the work and practicing self care, will ensure you start seeing the signs that indeed, you have started to truly move on.

Here are some of those signs.

1. The idea of going on a date is thrilling

If, after divorce, you say to yourself whenever someone suggests you should get back out there,“What? Start all over? It’s so much work…” this is a sign that you’re not over your divorce. The idea of dating feels like a chore, a series of boxes to check off a list someone else has generated, rather than the adventure it can really be. So, don’t do it. Focus on yourself and what you need to discover about putting your life back together. Until you do this work, you will only be showing up half-heartedly or, damaged.

But if you feel a twinge of excitement at the thought of meeting someone new, then some part of you might be ready to move on—at least in the romantic department. Check in with yourself. Manage your expectations of self, what you want, what you need, and what you are willing to share.

2. You feel comfortable in your own skin

You’re feeling yourself. Not just feeling sexy—though there’s no shame in that, you feel healthy and fully of energy. You feel a sense of peace and balance. You have planted your feet in the direction you want your life to take. In short, you know who you are, and you like that person.

For some women, this may mean they’ve secured a job (a paycheck!) and routine. For others it may mean understanding at long last their finances, and what their plan is for moving forward. Or maybe the kids are no longer acting out but settling into their new routines at both houses, and this is giving you a chance to ease up in hyper-management of the shifting parts. But that frenzy of survival mode has passed. You are able to look up and consider what else might be possible for you now.

3. You feel positive about you future

Before your divorce and maybe even sometimes, afterwards, it was hard to care much about your future let alone believe there was anything good waiting for you there. But now surprising events or happenings have inspired you. You may be full of hope. Look! There’s so much about your life that’s new and surprising. You never could have predicted or planned for it.

There’s something beautiful about leaning into the unexpected.

Being positive about your future implies that you have taken a hard look at your past and come to a place of acceptance about it, both the good and the bad. It means you no longer carry the past like a weight. You’ve moved past blame. When you are living in the here and now, planning and building your new future, this is another strong indicator that you’ve begun moving on after divorce.

4. Your divorce doesn’t keep you up at night

The end of any relationship generally comes with a certain dose of feeling sorry for yourself. Nights spent crying yourself to sleep and days spent walking around in a daze. But now? You’re tired of being tired. You’re done with being sad. You find yourself making plans for your summer and spending more time with new people and those unbelievably wonderful, stalwart friends. One day you think to yourself, “When was the last time I thought about HIM?” And the fact that you have to think about that puts a smile on your face.

You might never truly “get over” your divorce, but over time, it will become a quieter ache instead of an intense pain. The heartbreak will callus over—you’ll be wiser and more prepared for red flags that may appear again. Experience is a gift that gives you the chance to learn from mistakes and failures. Whether those mistakes and failures are real or simply dancing in your head, time and doing the work you must will give you perspective.

When it comes to getting over a divorce, there’s no rulebook or timeline except the one that feels right for you. If you do nothing about your divorce recovery, you can expect very little to change about the way you are feeling. It will probably become more muddled and less pronounced. But did you grow from it? If you choose to support yourself by finding the help you need to really honor your beautiful life, you’ll discover the time it takes to get over your divorce will be just the right amount of time you need to move forward bravely and with grace.

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you. Schedule you free, 45 minute consultation with SAS. Whether you are coping or already navigating your life afterward, a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.

*This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

After divorce are you destined for rebound relationships?

After Divorce, Are You Destined for Rebound Relationships?

You’ve been warned about them. But here’s what a rebound relationship truly is. It’s any romantic relationship entered into shortly after ending another romantic relationship. Sound vague? That’s because it is. What does “shortly after” even mean? An hour, a week, a year? It’s all a little murky, isn’t it?

And then there’s the whole judgment thing.

Rebound relationships leave a bad taste in the mouth. The general opinion is that they’re never any good for both people involved.

After all, who gets into a new relationship before the ink on their separation agreement or divorce decree is even dry? Before they’re done with their grieving?  Before they’ve figure out who they are now that the dust is settled? The truth is, many people do.

Some people quickly enter a new romantic relationship because they want to distract themselves from the pain of their divorce or remain in the same type of living arrangement they had before their divorce.

Others do so because their Ex is already in another relationship. They believe that if their Ex is already moving on, then they should, too. AND, of course, they’ll make sure their Ex knows about how happy they are with their much more successful, attractive, smart, young, and “sane” new significant other.

Some people enter a rebound relationship because of the excitement. A rebound is a way to explore their newfound independence or to experience what it is to be sexual again after years of feeling unlovable.

Sometimes there are people who are already in another relationship while married, divorcing, or moving out. Those relationships are complicated and fall into their own category—let’s say the ball (sticking with the rebound metaphor) never hit the ground but got passed instead. These relationships may last, or they may be a function of distraction, excitement, and taboo. And when the marriage is officially no more, those feelings may dissipate; with the reality of everyday and its mundane responsibilities making the relationship seem suddenly boring. But if not, and the relationship lasts, a whole new set of challenges are presented for the one who left the marriage without hitting pause to reflect on what really went wrong.

Then there are those who enter into rebound relationships to heal and move on with their lives. These people know that their divorce recovery is textured, a process, and a healthy relationship (see more below) won’t keep them from growing.

So, you can see that not all rebound relationships are the same. They’re not all harmful. Some truly are healing.

How do you know if your rebound relationship is healing instead of harmful?

Honesty about the situation

You and your new partner are upfront about your personal situations, emotions, and what you’re expecting from the relationship. If not, then at least one of you will be very hurt when it ends.

The willingness to learn about yourself

One of the great things about being in a relationship is the ability to learn more about yourself. If you enter this one with an intention to learn more about yourself, your likes and dislikes, and how you behave in a relationship, then you’ll be presented with new opportunities to learn, grow, and move on from your divorce (and maybe, eventually, from your rebound relationships).

Curiosity about your new partner

Being curious about who your partner is means that you’re not using them to make you feel better. Instead, you’re seeing them as an individual with their own wants, needs . . . and baggage.

Taking the opportunity to treat yourself well

You’ll teach your new partner how to treat you by modeling it for them. Do you want to be treated with kindness and respect? Then treat yourself that way in addition to treating them that way.

Dealing with your baggage as it comes up

Healing through being in a relationship means that you’ll discover things that need to be dealt with. Maybe you’ll discover that something your new partner does triggers you. Maybe you’ll discover that you entered this relationship because it felt familiar instead of healthy. Maybe you chose this partner because he seems 180 degrees opposite to your EX. Whatever baggage you discover, your awareness of it and appropriately dealing with it is part of your healing journey.

Most rebound relationships, including the healing ones, are relatively short-lived. The good thing about the healing ones, though, is that each one is a stepping-stone that carries you closer to a good and lasting relationship with yourself and perhaps, if you want, a relationship with someone else too.

Just what makes a good relationship—one that can last? When you mutually agree to and practice the following.

Honesty about the situation

You and your mate are upfront about your personal situations, emotions, and what you’re expecting from the relationship.

The willingness to learn about yourself

Your mate can be your greatest teacher. Your partner will reflect back to you things you do, things you don’t like about yourself, and things about being in a relationship. The key is to have the willingness to learn and grow. Are you listening to what your partner is saying?

Curiosity about your partner

Being in a good long-term relationship requires that you are still curious about your partner. When you believe there’s nothing more to learn or discover about them, you begin taking them for granted. However, if you can remain curious and you both continue to grow, your relationship can keep its vitality.

Taking the opportunity to treat yourself well

It doesn’t matter what type of a romantic relationship you’re in, you’re always modeling for your partner how to treat you. Take care of yourself, and treat yourself with kindness and respect.

Dealing with your baggage as you become aware of it

It’s rare that a person has no baggage at all. So, expect that you’ll have to deal with your own baggage while you’re in your relationship. Because you’re in a good relationship, your partner will likely support you in your efforts to deal with it—just as you’ll support them.

Making a commitment to each other and consistently putting in the effort to create a good relationship

This is key for any long-term relationship. This level of commitment is also directly connected to the other items on this list being in good order (or at least on the way to being in good order) for both of you.

And, no, this list isn’t some giant typo.

There really isn’t too much difference between the characteristics of healing rebound relationships and good relationships. They are both about promoting growth, support, self-love, and mutual respect.

The main difference is the level of commitment and the possibility of outgrowing each other. With a rebound relationship, the commitment level isn’t lifelong. Because you enter these relationships needing to heal, it’s more likely that one or both of you will move on quickly.

So, let’s get back to the original question:

“After divorce, are you destined for rebound relationships?”

Hopefully you are, but not the kind with the bad connotation. Hopefully, you’re destined for the healing type of rebound relationships that you can use as lovely stepping stones toward either a wonderful committed relationship that helps you both blossom as the unique people you are or a lovely life as a fulfilled single woman.

 

Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE — this October. Spots go quickly

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each group-class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a free 45-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.  

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ Sas for Women

 

Luxe, messed up bed

Happiness After Divorce: Your Sexual Reawakening

During the last ten years of my marriage, I had zero interest in sex. Actually, it may have even been a negative amount of interest. Ten years is a long time. I chalked my disinterest up to two kids and getting older (I was in my late 30s, so I was clearly trying to rationalize and ignore the glaring fact that I was miserable in my marriage). All of this didn’t mean I wasn’t having sex. But the sex was, at best, something to check off my to-do list.

Happiness after divorce is possible for you (because it was for me)

One fear I had (and often see clients grappling with) was this: Is bad sex in an unsatisfying loveless marriage still better than the possibility of NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN? It took me several years of weighing the fear—an unlikely and irrational one—of living the rest of my days entirely alone without a loving partner against the increasingly intolerable state of my marriage. I was thinking about divorce. Was that the right choice for me? I finally took a giant leap and moved out, focusing on baby steps like finding my own apartment, choosing a paint color for my new bedroom, and unpacking boxes one by one. But experiencing true happiness after divorce still seemed out of reach.

So, it came as a HUGE surprise when I discovered that in addition to unpacking those boxes of belongings—even the metaphorical boxes of emotions I had kept hidden away—I unpacked some interest in sex. Ok, not just some interest. I experienced a sexual reawakening! Just days after moving into my new place, SEX was all I could think about. That’s not an exaggeration. I felt different, becoming very physically aware of myself and my body. I felt so different that I looked different. Friends, family, and other people in my life asked me if I had a facelift or another kind of treatment. It dawned on me that perhaps I looked different because of feelings I was experiencing for the first time in many years: hope and happiness. And let’s face it, happiness is sexy.

Is bad sex in an unsatisfying loveless marriage still better than the possibility of NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN?

Don’t get me wrong—just because I felt a tremendous rush of interest in sex doesn’t mean I wasn’t equally consumed by bouts of pure, unadulterated panic. Sure, I had lots of interest but no game plan and no potential dates in sight. Would anyone find me attractive? Would anyone see me as anything other than a middle-aged mother of two trying desperately to keep her sh*t together? I couldn’t even allow myself to fully imagine the mechanics of undressing in front of another man. It all felt far too overwhelming.

My first kiss as the “new me”

It was a few days after moving into my new home when I received a text from a number I didn’t recognize. It was an old boyfriend I had dated in my 20s. I hadn’t heard from him in years. I knew that he had separated from his wife at some point, but I didn’t give it much thought. The text said, “Happy New Year! Hope you’re well. Would love to grab a drink sometime.” Assuming he had heard about my separation, I immediately called our one mutual friend to see if she had told him the news. She had not. In fact, she also hadn’t spoken to him in a long time. I was floored. What were the chances of my Ex texting me just days after I moved out on my own? We set up a date, and every time I imagined seeing him, I felt nervous.

I felt free and alive for the first time in what felt like a very long time.

When I arrived at Indochine, a sceney NYC restaurant frequented by models and celebrities, I barely recognized myself! I felt like I was 25 again: out at night, in the “real” world, with other people who weren’t parents! While eating dinner with my Ex (we’ll call him Chaz), I remembered that he could never stop himself from checking out every attractive woman in sight. And that he is unapologetic about it. This habit once drove me nuts and was the reason I ended things with him years before. I noted that Chaz clearly hadn’t changed. His eyes skipped from woman to woman, landing on a lanky and gorgeous Afroed hostess, but I didn’t care. I felt free and alive for the first time in what felt like a very long time. And I had a one-track mind . . .

After dinner, Chaz and I walked a few blocks south to a spot we used to go to together back in the day. It was dark, moody, and easy to hide in. I was tipsy by this point, and I think Chaz was too. We sat down across from one another, and he leaned in to kiss me. It wasn’t an innocent, just-for-old-time’s-sake kind of kiss. It was a lean-into-each-other, full throttle make out session. My first kiss with a man who was not my husband in nearly 16 years. It was THRILLING, to say the least.

We finished our drinks, and a cab dropped us off at our respective apartments. No, we didn’t have sex. Kissing someone new was enough for me just then. We furiously made out the entire taxi ride (which would be my first of several kissing experiences in a taxi). After leaving him, I was excited about my new life after divorce. I was single, unmarried, and free.

A lot of women think they cannot become who they are meant to be without another man.

I’ve discovered otherwise. Me.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce. Now you can find support and learn best practices RE-creating your life after divorce with Paloma’s Group. Decide who you really are. Find IT. Create IT. Own IT.

Classes start September 26 and space is limited.  Visit here for details. 

Alyssa Dineen has been a New York City stylist for close to 20 years. After getting divorced herself, Alyssa started a service to help newly single people get into the dating app world with confidence. She has worked with all different personalities, body types and budgets and knows how to help you stay relevant and current while still feeling like yourself — the best version of yourself. Meet Alyssa this fall and benefit from her personal style and dating guidance through Paloma’s Group, SAS’ post-divorce support group for women.