How to Plan for a Divorce
Deciding to plan for a divorce is crammed with emotions and black-and-white questions. If you find yourself in this situation, it can feel like you are alone. But you need only read this article and the hundreds of other articles on our website to know that there are a lot of us who have gone through what you are going through today (or tonight?). You are not reinventing the wheel. Instead, you will learn from others as you move forward to take care of yourself.
In this piece, we will guide you through the initial planning steps for a divorce. Our goal is for you to develop a sense of control and readiness as you continue your planning process.
Professional Advice
Learning to plan for a divorce is complex, and professional advice is the smartest resource. You don’t want to rely on anecdotal info from your girlfriend or your mother. Their divorces or stories are “other people’s,” not yours. The right support from a lawyer for legal feedback on your situation; a divorce coach to help you get centered and learn what to do and when; and a financial person who can help you plan for the economic changes as well as how to negotiate your settlement — are all smart keys to taking care of you. This is of course if you can afford these resources. If you can’t then again, we recommend you check out our piece on “Free Divorce Resources for Women.”
We know this is overwhelming, but take another breath, and let’s keep going.
Finding a Lawyer Who Understands the Woman’s Journey
How to find a good divorce lawyer is crucial, even if you don’t use one to represent you throughout the process. As a woman dealing with divorce, you will want to be educated on what your rights and entitlements are before you start negotiating ANYTHING. Consult with someone who has the necessary legal background experience to help you understand what is and is not possible. If you end up using a lawyer, you also want to make sure you feel comfortable communicating with them and that they are experienced in supporting women and providing the advocacy so many of us need during this challenging legal process.
The Benefit of Divorce Coach
A divorce coach can help you understand the now (practically and emotionally), forgive the past, and build for your best future – one step at a time. Divorce coaches offer emotional support, strategic advice, and a clear, unbiased perspective. Especially when you are in the planning for a divorce stage, a coach can help you see where to focus, how to find the right answers, how to sequence things, and what to let go right now. You may want to consider working with a coach who specializes in supporting women through this transition as our journey is different from that of a man.
No kidding, we hear you say.
Financial Advisors for Women
Financial planning is also very important as you’re planning for your divorce. Working with a financial advisor who understands the financial hurdles and planning nuances women encounter is paramount to your plan. Some of the things you will want to work with your financial advisor on are smart asset division, budget planning, and financial goal setting post-divorce. Check out “Smart Moves for Women: A Financial Consultation for a Divorce.”
Read about the financial transaction in divorce and our work as divorce coaches supporting women through the process — in the New York Times.
“Divorce Can Wreck a Woman’s Financial Future: Here’s How to Rebuild.”
The Legal Process
Divorce planning requires emotional readiness along with a deep understanding of the legal process and your rights. This is why it’s important to be talking to the right people.
You are smart, but did you go to law school for matrimonial law? Probably not.
This section of our article is dedicated to shedding light on the legal process of divorce, with a focus on the considerations that are particularly relevant to women.
With knowledge comes empowerment, and as you navigate through this section, you’ll gain insights that are critical for making informed decisions and protecting your interests and your FUTURE.
Understanding the Legal Process
Starting the divorce planning process requires that you understand the laws governing divorce proceedings in your state. While the law applies to everyone equally, the implications and challenges women encounter can be unique.
Check out “Your State Law and Divorce” and “Divorce for Women: Why It’s Different.”
Knowing Your Rights as a Woman
Being aware of your rights and entitlements is especially important for you as you go through divorce. You will want to understand aspects like alimony, child custody, and property division as each of these can present unique challenges for us. This knowledge can help you make sure you’re adequately protected and can effectively advocate for yourself.
Don’t tell yourself you can Google these answers. Those answers are not focused on the specifics of your story. You need direct feedback. (See above.)
Check out “The 4 Biggest Legal Issues in Divorce,” and learn if your story involves one or more of these issues.
Financial Plans
Understanding finances is fundamental when it comes to planning for a divorce. Many women are not the primary financial decision-makers in their families. If that sounds like you, it’s time to familiarize yourself with your assets, debts, and overall financial picture. If you are the primary breadwinner, you will want to learn if and how you can lessen the risk that you may have to pay spousal support.
Consider reading “Breadwinning Women Face an Uphill Battle When Married and When Divorcing.”
Assessing Your Financial Situation
As you begin planning for your divorce, one of the first things you’ll want to do is take stock of your financial situation. Untangling finances from years of marriage can be challenging.
However, you can begin by listing all assets, debts, and joint accounts. Then, you can look for other items like insurance policies, retirement accounts, and investments. Having an idea of where you will be starting from post-divorce is necessary to continue planning your next steps and future security.
Stay anchored with taking steps.
Read “55 Must Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist.”
Creating a Budget for Independence
Putting together a post-divorce budget requires careful consideration of your financial situation. You need to know how much is coming in, your income, and how much is going out — your expenses. After divorce, your income might consist of your earnings, alimony, and/or child support. Typical expenses could include mortgage or rent, utilities, childcare, and personal expenses.
You will also want to consider prioritizing savings, emergency funds, retirement contributions, and perhaps even investments for future stability. Your budget can be the basis for your negotiation of what you need in the divorce, and importantly, a roadmap to financial independence post-divorce.
Creating a budget is hard for a lot of us. This is why it’s important to be working or consulting with someone who knows how to do this so they make it easier for you. Don’t tell yourself you will do everything alone. At SAS, we urge you to reach out or to find thoughtful mentors who can help you.
Emotional Support and Self-Care
For most of us, divorce is a highly emotional trip. So, when you’re planning for your divorce, consider how you will manage your emotional well-being, too.
Building a Support Network
There’s no doubt you need a strong support system. Friends and family who understand and support your journey can be a godsend. But a lot of them don’t know what you are going through. Identify people who have been through and HEALED from a divorce. You may also want to consider joining support groups where a facilitator trained in supporting women can offer valuable guidance at the same time you benefit from feeling normalized by the words and stories of other divorcing women. These connections can anchor you and also inspire you to keep going … to not give up or to give away too much.
Prioritizing Your Mental and Emotional Well-Being
You know this is a wildly disruptive time for you and your family, so taking care of your mental health is non-negotiable. Working with a therapist or counselor who understands what the divorce journey is like can provide the emotional support and tools you need to carry you from divorce planning to empowered independence.
Self-care is always important, yet many women forget about nurturing themselves when they feel stressed and anxious. Set aside time to take care of yourself with practices that nourish your mind and body, so that you’ll be more resilient through this bumpy road.
Preparing for Life After Divorce
As you progress with your planning for divorce, envision the life you want afterward. As with any plan you need to know where you are starting from and where you want to go.
Setting New Goals for Yourself
Life post-divorce is what you choose to make of it. So, begin setting new, motivating goals for your independence. Whether it’s pursuing a new career, going back to school, or dedicating time to personal development and hobbies, picture a future that allows you to be fully you.
Where do you want to go?
Focusing on Personal Growth and Independence
Too many women discover they gave up parts of themselves to make their marriages work. This makes personal growth and rediscovery especially sweet after the end of a marriage. Explore activities and pursuits that bring you joy and fulfillment. Spend time rediscovering things you always wanted to do. If you can’t do them now, don’t worry. But make a list of them and keep that list somewhere close.
Conclusion
As you move through the planning stages of your divorce, keep in mind that you are taking your first steps toward a new and empowered life. The steps we’ve shared on how to plan for a divorce are just the beginning. As you dive into your story and desire for a new life, you will be challenged. Yet take stock that you are not alone. Many are ready to support and guide you to become an even more vibrant version of yourself.
Explore our SAS for Women website, a veritable library for you, holding still more resources and support on planning for divorce. Although your journey is uniquely yours, our resources have helped thousands of women like you, women who want to do this smartly and healthily for themselves and their families.
NOTES
Are you thinking about … or just beginning a divorce and looking for support and guidance? Annie’s Group provides a confidential overview of what a woman must know about divorce.
Learn more about Annie here.
*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”
