Gray Divorce and Surviving the Holidays
Holidays are coming! Proclaims the iconic advert for a well-known soft drink. Do we find ourselves singing along or frantically reaching for the remote control? The festive period is upon us, and it can be a stressful time, even for happily married couples. However, for those of us emerging from a gray divorce, how do we go about surviving the holidays?
First, let’s define the term “gray divorce.” This refers to someone over 50, and it’s on the increase.
According to research the U.S. has seen gray divorce statistics double since 1990, and projects that by 2030 the figure will have grown by a third.
Secondly, allow me to share that I am a man, a man who has experienced a gray divorce. And I write this piece knowing that you, dear Reader, probably someone who identifies as a woman, may have an entirely different experience than I have. But as humans, I think there are certain things that we do share. Among the many is a possible sense of aloneness or isolation due to divorce, especially at this time of year.
What I’d really like to share is that life’s experiences may have changed our outlook on things, but take heart—we are not alone. With a little forethought, it is possible not only to survive the holidays now and going forward; but to actually look forward to them.
The Holiday Challenge
Typically, the holidays conjure up rose-tinted thoughts of celebration; families gathered together, full of joy and happiness, a time of goodwill. However, if we find ourselves divorced and living alone, these sentiments may be difficult to imagine. And, if we should find ourselves in the gray divorce category, it can become even more difficult to lift oneself and fend off feelings of loneliness, sadness, and maybe even anger, especially when everyone else is so damned happy.
How we approach the holidays depends on numerous factors. If you are recently divorced, you may be at odds trying to decide the best way to tackle them. If you’ve been struggling for some years, it’s probably high time for a re-think to avoid yet another blue Christmas.
It can be difficult not to feel left out and insignificant around this time. I can remember fighting hard to banish thoughts of self-pity from my over-active imagination. In my mind’s eye, my Ex-wife and my children would be enjoying the perfect Christmas with another man. In the meantime, I was alone and forgotten, craving some company and feeling sorry for myself, hence the importance of keeping oneself occupied and socially connected.
Gray Area
Many families have their specific holiday traditions and customs that are unique and precious to themselves. However, with a change in circumstances, it’s not always a good idea to try and replicate them.
Look upon your revised status as an opportunity to create new traditions that reflect your life as you would like it.
As we get older, many find negotiating social circles more of a challenge. I can remember feeling somewhat embarrassed, not wanting to impose myself upon my friends and family and ruin their Christmas just because I felt lonely.
Check out “How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce? And 4 Signs You are on Your Way.”
I’m not sure how the experiences of men and women differ during the holiday season, whether or not men are more gregarious than women. Stereotypically, men belong to golf clubs, meet up at the bar for a few drinks, or go and watch the game together. What do women do? My sister tells me a lot of them are the “choreographers” of the holidays. Women are the ones who make sure everyone else is having the perfect holiday experience. Is that you? Or maybe you used to do that, but now with the gray divorce, and your kids older, you don’t play that role anymore. Or how we experience the holiday may have more to do with personality than gender. Maybe you’re grateful not to have to create the holidays for everyone else. Or because you are not doing it anymore, it leaves you feeling bereft.
You might read “I Wanted the Divorce Why am I so Sad?”
How I Survived the Holidays
I think back to the excitement of my work colleagues as my marriage broke up around the holidays. My colleagues would be full of plans for activities and get-togethers, while I felt like the odd one out and had little to contribute to their conversations. One of the key things to remember is that you are not on your own. There are plenty of other gray divorcees out there going through the same challenges as you.
I would often use positive self-talk: “Nothing is going to beat me; I can do this.” “Think of how much I can achieve in a couple of weeks.” I even tapped into my competitive side, “If so-and-so can do it, so can I.”
In some ways I was lucky, I had activities that diverted my attention and took me out of the house. When I needed solitude, rather than staying in the house, I went cycling, the benefits of which I found to be more mental than physical. I can remember one crisp, freezing-cold Christmas day, setting off in the early morning and arriving home just as the sun was setting, tired, but happy and contented. My other hobby, which kept me extremely busy during the holiday period, was playing in a band. This also helped me escape my four walls and socialize with friends, which helped scratch the itch, whenever I craved companionship.
Think Ahead
It’s important to have an idea of what you want from the holidays. Take control, and don’t let them just happen. Think positively and make plans in advance, let people know that you are on your own. You now have the opportunity to do what you want to do. Depending on your circumstances, this might include plans to spend some quality time with your children, family members, friends, or maybe rekindle old acquaintances. The important thing is not to let yourself feel as if you’re missing out.
Accept Your Emotions
From time to time over the holidays, you will inevitably feel some sadness. One of the catalysts for me was certain music, or a good old Christmas movie, which would often evoke memories of previous happy holiday times.
Rather than view this as a negative, I always found a good cry to be therapeutic.
Researchers at Harvard found that crying releases feel-good endorphins, which help to heal emotional pain. For me, one of the worst feelings is holding everything in and pretending that all is well. Remember – it’s okay to not be okay.
A Time for Giving
For me, one of the most powerful Christmas messages is that of “Goodwill to all.” Whether you’re a believer or not, Jesus shared an undeniable truth: “There is more happiness in giving than receiving.” It sounds strange, but If you’re feeling low, probably one of the best things you can do is to try and be of help to someone in need. Look for opportunities to show kindness to a neighbor or stranger. Another way is to volunteer your services by helping a good cause. My uncle, a former army officer, lived alone but would spend a few days every Christmas helping out at food kitchens for the homeless in London. Doing a good deed for others has proven benefits. Not only will it divert your mind from your own problems, but it will lift your spirits and give you a satisfying sense of calm, and who in their right mind would refuse that?
Self-Preservation
Another tip is not to neglect ourselves and mope around the house. It may sound obvious but taking care of our basic physical needs is crucial. It might be tempting to stay in bed, after all, it is the holidays. However, feeling good about ourselves is key to the healing process. This includes not neglecting our personal hygiene – okay so that bit is probably more for men, but getting enough sleep, and ensuring that you eat proper, nutritious meals every day is good advice for everyone.
Wise Words
One of the things that sustained me during the holidays was words of encouragement from friends. The things that stayed with me weren’t that profound, but simple everyday phrases that we’re all familiar with. “There’s light at the end of the tunnel,” – this feeling is temporary, it won’t last forever. Another was “You will love again,” when I lived alone, I found it hard to believe that I would ever cope with the feelings of loss, but of course, I did. Try to keep in mind there’s no such thing as a quick fix, and eventually, you will look upon the holidays more positively.
Feel inspired. Read The Single Woman’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays.”
As One Door Closes…
The extra time on your hands during the holidays could be put to good use. Instead of watching the latest Netflix box set, it could be your chance for self-advancement. Set yourself a goal and perhaps learn a new skill, hobby, or language. Looking back on my own experience, how I wish I had started to learn Spanish back then! The trick is finding that one thing that appeals to you. Learning something new is time well-spent and can give one a real sense of purpose, and if you’re on your own there are fewer distractions!
The Great Escape
Of course, other alternatives neatly sidestep the conundrum of whether to trim the house with decorations: a Yuletide getaway. For some, the ideal holiday treat might be to go away; others may feel the need to switch off with a few days of me-time. This could perhaps be a short trip to a wellness center to reconnect with yourself, regather, and start anew. There are so many “retreats” available, from unwinding at a spa hotel, rediscovering yourself through yoga, disconnecting from the digital world, and immersing yourself in nature, to health management and detox programs.
Get excited about something. Read “Solo Travel After Divorce: Finding Yourself Faraway.”
Looking Forward to the Holidays
As a gray divorcée, surviving the holidays can seem like a fine balancing act. It’s a bit like riding a bicycle; you can only stay upright with forward motion. The holidays will be different from now on, don’t fear them, embrace them. Look forward to a newly reinvented and revitalized holiday with a fresh mindset, to ensure a positive and life-affirming next chapter.
NOTES
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