Divorce is always a very hard process to go through. People feel a lot of stress. On top of that, they face various trust issues, sometimes creating an entirely new circle of people to surround themselves with. When it comes to new romantic relationships, many people turn to online dating. They can easily create a profile, introduce themselves to other people, and try their luck dipping into the dating pool. With so many great websites around today, there are lots of easy ways to filter out the people who don’t share the same interests as you and find the ones who do.
But online dating isn’t for everyone. If not used with care, things can get out of hand. With so many people using online dating apps, there’s a high chance your first few dates might not go as planned. Many men and women have stories of hilarious dates they had while online dating after divorce but just as many have their share of horror stories. Here’s how to manage your expectations and protect yourself while online dating:
1. Don’t have high expectations
Some profiles might seem perfect, but as you venture into the world of online dating, be sure not to have any high expectations. Read all of the profiles fully, and try to picture the person who it represents. In today’s world, plenty of people use filters and layer on makeup, so now more than ever, don’t let looks fool you.
Stay real, and quit looking for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. That person doesn’t exist. Yes, if you’re reading this, you’re likely living your life after divorce—that marriage that was dragging you down, you’re past that now—and you’ve been given a newfound appreciation of yourself. But even you are not perfect, so if that’s what you’re looking for: stop now.
If you have expectations from the people you meet through online dating websites or applications, you’ll most likely also have presumptions. Having presumptions is bad—it can result in huge disappointments and an extremely (and awkward) bad date. Instead, keep yourself cool, be patient, and do not invest all of yourself into someone you may have just met only a couple of days ago. After a divorce, it will be hard not to expect things from your new life, but that’s dating for you.
2. But don’t lower your standards
You just got divorced. In the future, you’ll want to pick a partner who’s a better fit for you long-term. You only now know your true value, and you finally respect yourself as you deserve it. Do not mess it all up by bringing down your standards. Do not let anyone fool you. Go look for someone who makes you feel like a better person than you already are. You do not need anyone who will make you less good.
Your time, your energy, and your heart are priceless things—do not fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Try to show the best of you only after you are certain that someone is actually worth it.
3. You don’t have to reply to everyone who messages you
You might feel like answering everyone who messages you is the right thing to do. But it isn’t. You should actually avoid replying to everyone. When you get a message and the first feeling you get about this person is negative, just don’t answer at all. There are many shady accounts out there and even bots. Listen to your own intuition, and do not fall for any weird ideas. There are millions of people using online dating websites today. If you tried to reply to all of them, you would likely find that the majority of them would not be a good fit for you as a partner. Online dating is part luck, yes, but it’s also about carefully picking the people you talk to.
4. Sparks don’t always need to fly the first date (and maybe that’s a good thing)
Most of your first dates will not make you feel any fireworks, and if they actually do, you should be extra careful. Both men and women know how to create that firework sensation if they want to. Keep this in mind. After all, you now have enough experience not to be fooled. If your first date is all about fireworks, it might be because your date wants it to be. Consider the possibility that a date that’s all sparks flying and no substance is a warning sign! If you want a real connection, you don’t want someone who is all about sex.
But give your dates a couple of chances before you erase them from your life. Maybe certain dates will not seem all that romantic, but it’s really all about the personality of the person. Not everyone finds romance to be important.
5. Stay real, and be yourself
Did you know that the majority of Americans claim online dating is a good way to meet people? Dating websites are great, but they can make you forget about your own reality. Be mindful, and do not allow yourself to get pulled into the fantasy. Stay connected with your friends and family. Keep your sanity, and make sure you actually have fun with the process.
To make it all more interesting, try asking someone to help you with your profile. According to Pew research, one-in-five online daters actually asked someone else to help them out with their profile creation.
6. Talk to your friends and family
There is no shame in using a dating website today. Many people have tried them, and they often talk about using them openly. If you are unsure about how some things work or you simply want advice, don’t be shy. Open up! Your friends will appreciate the fact that you decided to be so honest with them. They might even be able to offer you some great advice and help you stay real while you look for a new partner. It is usually our friends and our family that help us go through the whole divorce process. Keep loved ones around and appreciate them just as much as they have proved to appreciate you.
Finding a good match on an online dating website is possible, if properly done. You can find the partner who you’re destined to be with. You can feel sparks fly once again, and remind yourself that you are worth it all.
Alan Smith is a psychologist by profession, dating coach by choice, contributing writer of “DoULikeBlog.” Alan helps single moms cope with stress, meet new people, and stay fit. He has helped many families from breaking apart and keeps reducing the divorce rate throughout Europe.
This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you. Schedule you free, 45 minute consultation with SAS. Whether you are coping or already navigating your life afterward, a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.